Thinking of leaving
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| Fri, 04-27-2007 - 8:01am |
I am really torn and confused and very close to leaving my husband. Our relationship has always been strained. I don't think we started with the best of foundations. Long story short: we met online in 1998 through some freelance work I was doing. We worked together and talked for months. I lived in Toronto, him in Seattle. We decided to meet almost a year later, fell in love yadda yadda. I moved to Seattle after 6 months and we lived together for another 7 months before getting married. It was quicker than either of us wanted but we didn't have a choice if I wanted my green card. Anyway - when we got married I signed a prenup. Giving up my half of his company, which I was working for, and any other investment he had. I was given the prenup days before we left for our wedding. I was advised not to sign by my lawyer but went against my better judgement and signed. I figured at some point he would see that I was extremely trustworthy. However this was only the begining of his need to have control over everything in his life and protect his assets, even from me. He even tried to have me sign a NDA and non-compete agreement for his company...we were both from a similar background (different roles, he's techy I'm marketing) and so not only was it completely unreasonable for him to ask this of me as his wife (haven't I signed enough?) but would actually have an impact on my career so I told him what he could do with it. It soon became apparent to me as I got to know his family and learned of his background that my husband has a huge trust issue. He also does not have a lot of people in his life - he is not close to his family at all, nor does he keep many friends.
Through the last 8 years many things have come up. There is a very big double standard that he refuses to see. He's gone to extremes to protect himself from any possibility that I might take advantage of him but when the tables are turned he refuses to provide me with any guarantees or committments protecting me. I found out 3 years ago that he has been having online cyber-affairs. Something that he made clear to me many times, he would have no tolerence for from me. He promises me that this has not happened since...but I'm not convinced. He keeps things from me - like if he's had a conflict with someone we both know, I will hear about it from that person. He spends a lot of time on the computer because it's a big part of his business but in the last year or so it has gone to a huge extreme. Which doesn't help since this is also how he cheated on me and now I am the one with a trust issue. We have a 21 month old son now. He is a very good dad, our son absolutely adores him. But conflict is already starting there too. He expects me to be our sons caregiver - I gladly take that on. But I've had to fight with him just to get one day off a week (something I desperately need) and when I decided to go back to work as an independent contractor - he barely agreed to give me an hour each day to watch our son so I could get some work done (we both work from home), at least until he starts daycare (we're on a waiting list) And even there I only take him up on that hour if I really need it. Our son has had the flu and I had to get up at 3 in the morning the night before with little sleep. Then last night same thing happened and he woke up at 4 am...I asked my husband to please take him this time, it's his turn! Not to mention I am exhausted from the night before and my husband is visiting a friend tonight and likely crashing there so I'll have to get up again tonight...his response was (big shock) I have a lot of work to do this morning....his #^&*!@#^#! work is taking over our lives! Seriously, it doesn't stop there...things have been really surfacing for me lately and I'm starting to realize that it just may not get better. I got upset yesterday - triggered by my walking into his office to tell him something and he couldn't even look up from his computer screen for 2 seconds to talk to me...(I know thats not really a big deal but I'm super sensitive right now) next thing you know I'm in the shower crying like a baby because I'm so torn and confused. I have tried to talk to him. We are in counseling but I feel like each session is the same - he talks about how I never respect his need for a time out and is very good at manipulating a situation where in the end what started as him being jerk ends up being about how I'm always on his ass about things, I'm never happy or appreciative of what he does do and that I need to stop being so negative. One thing he's doing a lot too: is when we have a fight, he will go to his office and literally hide there for days. He won't make any effort to talk to me or make up. He'll wait until I am upstairs before going into the kitchen for something to eat...that kind of thing. I'll email him (because sometimes that feels safer to me and he has agreed in counseling to respond) and I will get no response or even an acknowledgement. Here I am literally spilling my guts and being both fair and honest (thats what I like about email is you can take the time to think through what/how you say) Anyway back to the crying shower - he comes in to find out what's wrong. I'm feeling so devastaded at this point, I try telling him that I am extremely sad because I don't know what else to do, blah blah and what does he say? That he is really busy at work, reminds me that we agreed in counseling to talk about things after 5 PM, that he is willing to setup a time for us to talk but that he is really busy today and if we use the time to talk then he can't take the day off tomorrow to do the stuff around the house that I have been wanting him to do for weeks. WHAT THE?! I mean seriously folks, what do I need to do for him to take me seriously? One one hand, we have been here before. A few times, where we almost separated. But it's at the 11th hour...when something clicks and he realizes I'm not joking....and at the exact moment that I am able to finally detach myself from him and consider that I might actually be ok on my own...start to think clearly and feel strong and capable....it's at that moment that he decides to be there for me, make me promises (empty mind you as he sucks at keeping those too) and listen, and love me and care and all the things I needed before. These are the things I need when I'm in the shower losing my mind because I have no idea what to do!!! Not once I have finally dealt and am ready to move on! UGH!
Most important is how this will all impact our son. I don't believe in staying in an unhappy marriage for your child's sake. I know, my parents tried staying together and it was horrible for me. But our situation is messy. We moved from Seattle to Toronto recently. Just sold our Seattle house. (he throws that at me a lot too lately - how he moved here for me...um yeah, I moved everything for him to Seattle so we're even) anyway...with us being in Canada now, he has nowhere to really go unless he moves back to the states or he finds another place here. Besides which, whenever I bring up separation or divorce he just tells me to "leave then". He doesn't like that I bring that up a lot and I admit that when we fight or I get very upset I tend to say I'm leaving etc...and I know it's not fair and that it is hurtful to him...but yet that is how I feel. I have been on the fence in this marriage since I can remember. I am also very good at being accountable for my actions...I know I am not perfect. I want so bad for us to make this work, I really do but I do not see how. We do not agree on a lot of things...he likes to keep to himself whereas I have a lot of friends and love doing things...he thinks the worst of people and doesn't trust, I am very honest, trusting and trusted...he is obsessed with his work and on many many many occasions has put his work before me...he doesn't help me out enough with our son...he doesn't respond to my many attempts to talk to him or work out solutions and when he does respond it's to defend himself and twist everything so that it's my fault....he claims that he's happy and the fact that I'm not is basically my problem. He hides in his office and tells me the reason is because he is tired of me getting on his ass...I am scared. I worry he'll try to take custody of our son - or try to make it so that I have to move to the states or something. I wouldn't put it past him to try and make things difficult for me. I may be a bit paranoid (he's rubbed off on me!) but he has shown a huge reluctence to leaving...even though it makes sense that he leave since I should have the house for our son' sake...but it doesn't seem like he would make this very easy. I don't want to start over. I don't want to be in this place but I honestly do not know what else to do. If anyone has any insight - especially being that a lot of you have already gone through the process of separation/divorce...if anyone can shed some light or offer some suggestions on how I can keep my composure, protect myself and my son and get the process started...please let me know.

I think he senses that you're on the way out and that's why he's refusing to help in any way... and why he's always putting off "marriage maintenance" until later.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~