Maiden Name...or not??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Maiden Name...or not??
34
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 4:14pm

I am in the process of getting a divorce after 35 years of marriage. Yes, believe it or not, it CAN happen to anyone! I found out my soon-to-be ex was having a three year affair with a person I once considered a friend. Not just an affair...but a disgusting, kinky, unbelieveable connection. I have come to the point of accepting the finality of it. I do NOT want this marriage or him back! Too much betrayal!! We have three grown children (26, 23, 21).

My question is.....alot of people are asking me if I am going to take my maiden name back. I guess I never gave it much thought until they mentioned it. I've had my married name longer than my surname! I keep thinking I have to go back and find out who I was before my marriage. I got married so young, high school sweethearts...you know the story.

Plus the fact that he and this other woman are still together, the absolute betrayal of it all and trying to start a new life makes me feel that I should take my maiden name. New life, new beginning. My kids are all for it and said they would have no problem with it.

Opinions????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 4:26pm

The only reason I'm keeping my stbx's last name is it's the same name my 11 yo and 9 yo have. I'd love to hyphenate the kids last name and take back my maiden name but I think the kids are too old for that.

I will keep his last name until the kids are out of school and then I'll change it to get rid of the last remnants of him.

Take your name back. While you have had your married name longer than you had your maiden name, that life is over. Just as you dropped your maiden name to take his married name, it's time to drop his name.

BTW, welcome. I'm in the process of divorcing after 28 years so yes, it can happen to anyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 7:58pm

Suzie,


We're glad you found us here at Surviving Divorce. Yes, divorce can happen at any age and for any number of reasons. It's a great challenge to start over no matter what your story or stage of life.


Keeping your married name or changing back to your madien name is totally up to you.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 10:02pm

Well... I can answer this on two fronts... first of all, my parents divorced after 29 years of marriage... and when they were in the process, I asked Mom if she was going back to her maiden name or not... My mom was in a similar position you were, having had the married name longer than her maiden, but she was not proud of that name at all... my father really did her wrong on a number of levels, and she said that she wanted a name she was proud of again... so she went back and there has been no looking back...

On the other hand, I divorced and kept my married name... I do have a young one, so some think that's part of the reason I kept it, but I'm not so sure... if I ever do remarry, I probably would take new guy's last name... leaving ds and I with different ones... but truly, I can't say that I was very happy with my maiden name's history (with my father) either... plus married name is an easier name than married, so while I still have xh's name, is the right choice for me...

If you're considering it, I saw go for it... its an easy change to make at the time of the divorce--in fact the judge hearing our case asked me if there was a name change during our final hearing...

Good Luck with your decision...

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 5:11pm

>>>By the way, the number of divorces among long-time marrieds is rising.<<<

I'm not debating this because I think you're right. I was just wondering if you have a web site or something that will show this??

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 9:58pm
My soon to be ex and I have no children, yet I feel so comfortable with his surname. I don't know if it is just that I am not ready to let go of the last thing or what. Also, i have a lot of issues with my father's family and (father died when I was a baby and I was never close to them, still am not) and I don't feel connected to that name, even if it hasn't been that long since I had the name (4 yrs). I agree it is a very personal decision. As of now I plan to keep my married name, but later down the road that may change as I go through more of the process and the healing. I feel like since we don't have kids though ppl will think I should change it back (sis has already made this comment to me) but I am not ready yet. AS you can see, I am quite confused as well LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 10:05pm

After that long that is a tough call.

I have been married almost 10 years. I would revert to my maiden name in a flash -- very proud of it and my heritage -- feel no connection to my stbx's heritage. But, I have two little girls and it would hurt and confuse them if I changed my name, so I won't, at least for now.

Hugs to you -- so sorry you were betrayed after so many years together.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 1:00pm

Am,


My "sources" are antecdotal and a feature newspaper story I saw in the Chicago Tribune a couple of years ago.


I am sure the Census Bureau may have some numbers as well.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 4:51pm
I was reading this thread again today and thought of my maternal great-grandmother. Grandma Hazel was the 13th child of her family. Shortly after she was born, her mother died. At that time her last name was "I." Her father quickly remarried, took off, and left her with her SM. SM remarried and Grandma's last name was changed to "R." Grandma married when she was very young to Mr. "S." They had four daughters in quick succession. When the youngest dd was about 3yo, her husband drove her and the girls to the opposite side of the country, dumped them on the side of the road, and was never seen again until my grandma V went to see him when she had four children of her own. After Grandma remarried a few years later, her name was then "B." She had one more dd who lived until she was 12yo due to many medical problems she had at birth. Years later, when I was a child, her last husband died. By the time I was in my pre-teens, Grandma had her bank account set up in the VERY small town she lived in under her "B" name. However, Grandma was a talker and knew everyone and everyone's business. LOL She would go to the store to buy something, pull out her checkbook, and write her check as she was talking. The bank quickly figured out what each of her last names throughout her life had been because she would sign with any of them at any given moment any time she was distracted (by talking!). The moral of the story for me was that my last name really was never going to be as important as my first name. People identify you by your first name. IMHO, last names are only as important as you make them.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 10:00am
I took my maiden name back. It was great for me, it was a truly liberating experience. I had a true transformation with my divorce that I don't think I would have been able to have had I kept my married name.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 7:50pm

Thanks for the input.

I have heard that from alot of other women. But the one that really hit true for me and to the core was one basic question....

"Would you be proud to keep your married name?"

My answer is definitely no, especially under the terrible, sick and betraying ways my marriage ended. I should be proud of my birth name. So right now, I am seriously considering changing it back.

But I know exactly how my soon-to-be ex will respond.........he will be SOOO mad and find it really disturbing. Well, what he did to me and this marriage is even more disturbing!! And he has no say in my life anymore!! And I have carried that married name around so long and been a wife and mother to everyone, except myself. I have to go back and find out who I am.....aka my maiden name and the name I was born with!!

And again, thanks for your thoughts............

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