Do I stay w/Ex to have fam 2gether? HELP
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Do I stay w/Ex to have fam 2gether? HELP
| Sun, 04-29-2007 - 3:08am |
Hi I'm Sheila, 37 years old. I've been with Bill since I was 16. Was supposed to be married to him when I was 20, but wedding was called off because I had an affair. 6 months later we got back together, and I thought that I relationship would be stronger than ever. We were married "Happily" April 30th 1994, and Monday will be our 13th anniversary......We have money issues. I contributed to credit card debt 2 years ago that was bad. Bill was layed off last October and finally found a job 3 weeks ago. I have been working full time for 2 months. Before I was a stay at home mom and did seasonal photography as much as I could. While Bill was layed off, he lost 30 pounds cuz he was so depressed from losing his job that he had for 21 years. I kept charging....it was Christmas.....bought only for my 2 kids......Bill received a severence package from his company for 21 weeks. I thought that he would have received a job immediately because he has his Masters degree in Marketing.....months went by and no job......I began to only pay the minimum payment on the credit cards fearing that we had to stash what money we could in the bank in case he never found a job! Credit cards kept going up.....to over 50,000.00. Whenever they came in the mail I hid them fearing he would have a bigger breakdown. I truly thought that the cards added up to be 30,000.00 There were 5 credit cards...I just kept hiding...only making minimum payments...forgetting to pay and getting late fee charges....I was sick....Bill also charged things. We went on a family vacation to Disney last year that was about 8-9 thousand.....He knew that was getting charged....Anyway on April 5th after working 10 hours shampooing my bosses carpet I came home. I layed on the couch cuz I was dead tired. 15 min later my doorbell rang and my 10 yr old daughter looked to see who it was. It was a lady she never saw before. Then My 7 year old son went to the door. I got up to see what she wanted. Bill is in our kitchen. She asked, "Are you Sheila ......." I replied "yes" she then put papers in my hand and told me that I was summoned. I opened the papers and immediately freaded when I saw Petition for Divorce. I started to shake, and just go numb inside. Bill says that he just wants to be financially divorced from me, and that he still cares about me, and wants to live together as one big happy family...I was so hurt that a week later, after I couldn't function, sleep, or eat I drove to work and drove my car off of the road. That night I went to the ER and got some valuum to sleep finally. This man that cares for me....has hurt me sooooo much. I am so bitter and hurt from what he's done. He has lied to me, and told me before the papers that he got money out of his IRA and if I worked full time....made me think that everything would somewhat be ok.....He blindsided me over the head with the divorce papers. My kids lives are upside down. I can't trust him, and he can't trust me. He cares about me, but didn't put me on the health insurance form from his new job knowing that I need counciling, and a cyst removed in my arm pit. He goes through MY purse, my car...WHY? He is is the one that wants the divorce. Bill tells the kids that he still cares for me and wants the family to stay together, and that it's MY choice if I want that to happen or go out on my own. I'm soo hurt, bitter and angry. I can't believe that this is happening. I just want to wake up from this nightmare, but it doesn't happen. When I look at him I see a sneaky snake. There were the red flags but I didn't notice until it was too late. Or I'll look at him and just want to cry, and go up to him, and ask him to stop the divorce...Am I crazy? What the heck is wrong with me????.....Is he crazy to think that we can live in the house happily with our 2 children DIVORCED. 2 parents that don't trust each other. My heart has been ripped out of me and stepped on. Do I struggle after this is over and live in a small townhouse with me 2 children and let him have the kids ever other weekend and be happy. Will my children suffer because they won't see their father every day? Should I swallow my pride and look like a weak mom and stay in the same house with him after the divorce.....I want what is best for my kids.....I loved this man for so many years. If he told me tomorrow that he is calling it off, I'd probably hug him for an hour and never let him go, even though he has hurt me soooooooo much by this. Why couldn't we have separate bank accounts, separate credit cards, debt counciling, marriage counciling???? He just immediately filed for a divorce.....Please help me make the hardest decision that I've ever made in my life. Thank you....

I posted a long reply and my computer knocked me of the internet. So, here, instead, is a brief reply.
Ask your h to use his insurance for you both to go to counseling together so you can communicate. You hid the cc bills; he hid his desire for a divorce. You have to start communicating to work through the past and plan for the future, especially for your children, whether or not you divorce.
Do not discuss the process with your children; they don't need to know all the details -- that is grown-up stuff. You and your h work on it; work through it; make plans; make decisions and when you have a good plan for all of you (or the best you can make) then you tell the children what is up. Read books on children and divorce (Ahrons, Wallertstein, Heatherington) to get some ideas.
I am so sorry it came to this. Maybe from here forward, you can both work together to make the best of a very tough situation whether it leads to divorce or reconciliation.
M
Sheila,
Hi. I'm sorry you find yourself in this perdicament. However, divorcing you isn't going to solve your husband's problem: he is legally responsible for 50% of the debt whether or not he was the one who created it. (Ask a lawyer, they'll tell you the same.)
I strongly encourage you to seek financial counseling. It's obvious you made poor choices about your money and you need some assistance to get back on track. As for divorce, I also encourage you both to see a marriage counselor. Go yourself if he won't go. It's hard to do, but worth it.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020