Main concern is the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
Main concern is the kids.
6
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 7:34am
My husband told me a few days ago that he wants a divorce. I'm stunned. I know things have not been good and I have thought about leaving several times, but to have it staring you in the face is a lot different than what you might imagine in your mind! I have two boys, 7 and 3. Can anyone offer me any advice on how to tell them and what to say? We are not going to tell them until school is out. Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 4:57pm

My heart is with you. My stbx did the same thing - out of the blue and we have two small children as well.

The professional advice I have recieved is to focus on the fact that the divorce has nothing to do with them- that they are loved and cherished by each of you and this in no way changes how you feel about them nor is it in anyway their fault.

Also remember that this is not a conversation you have once. It is one you will have over and over again as they have questions and need reassurance. You will talk to each of them differently as your seven year old will understand somethings and have some concerns that are very different from your three year old. Children tend to have some practical questions about where you will live, when they will see each of their parents and who will take care of them.

Obviously, you want to keep any animosity or blame out of the conversation. Although, it is find to tell them that you are sad - it gives them permission to be sad as well. But remind them that it doesn't change how you feel about them.

That is my 2cents. There are a lot of great books out there as well for you and for your children which might help as well as professionals who can provide you with guidance. I've been consulting a child psychologist for help.

I am sorry you and your children are going through this. If you and your husband can keep them as your first concern in all of this, they will be fine.

Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 4:33pm

I fully understand. Things hadn't been good between us for a while but I was ok with staying together for the kids. He was not. He announced he was leaving on March 23rd and moved out on the 30th. I don't miss him but I do miss knowing what the structure of my life would be and I'm dreading the 50/50 custody arrangement he wants.

It is different having it staring you in the face. <<<>>>

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 9:37pm

I echo Yayafan. Ahrons, Heatherington, and Wallerstein have written extensively on children and divorce. Go to the library for helpful reading.

Wait until shortly before stbx moves out. Telling them too early creates stress and anxiety.

Have a plan so you can tell them what to expect.

We are working with a child psychologist on our parenting plan, mostly to keep my stbx based in reality. It is slow going and not always going the way I think it should for the children.

Also, hope you find a counselor to support yourself. This is really really tough stuff.

Stick around -- lots of good advice and support here.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 11:01pm
Thanks everyone for the advice. I have read about not telling the kids until close to when he leaves, but I don't get that. Wouldn't it be best to tell them a few weeks in advance that way you can both be there to help them deal with it rather than telling them and then bam, everything is different before they have a chance to process everything? I don't want them to not deal with the emotions of it because of everything changing at one time. Isn't that too much for them to handle at one time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 7:27am

They say you can give them a warning -- like "You probably have noticed mom and dad are having a hard time and we are working together on grown=up things. It is about us; we both love you etc ..." Then, about two weeks before the actual move out you can sit down and tell them the hard news with all the right language. The two weeks should be enough.

Otherwise their wild and wonderful imaginations and emotions will have too much time to get really worried and out of control; anxiety will go up etc.

Also, as they say, this isn't a one time event. You will have these conversations with them over and over again as they hit sad sad moments without one or the other parent. Children live with divorce every day. As for you, their pain will renew as they hit bumps in the road and they will need that comfort and support.

Counseling can be a very helpful element. I am trying to find one for my 6 1/2 yo now so she has a comfort level when the s hits the fan.

Just my 2 cents.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Tue, 05-01-2007 - 8:00am

Dear txmom,

I am nearing the end of my experience with this. I have an adult daughter as well as a 9-year old daughter. Our state requires minor children to attend a "Sandcastles class". Even before I knew about this, it was recommended on this site that I read M. Gary Neumann's book on divorce and kids and his Sandcastles program. I got the book from Amazon for like three bucks or something. Anyway, it's GOOD. Real (which can be hard to read), but practical.

Remember too that only you know your kids. Although you can listen to advice from others, only you and your STBX (presumably) best know what they can handle and what they cannot, and you can watch them after for signs that you need to let them talk or vent. As the book says, and other posters, and common sense parenting, the most important thing is to let them know over and over until it sinks in that THEY are not the cause of this, and that they have permission to love both parents as deeply as they would have had you not split up.

Divorce itself does not injure kids. Our petty and immature response to it as adults does. If both you and your STBX can be on the same page about that, your kids will come out of it just fine. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done.

Having had a child at the age of 19, I was told that that event would make me grow up very quickly. It absolutely did. However, as my legal separation comes closer, I cannot believe how much more "grown-up" I have become as a result of this highly charged and emotional experience. I feel at peace most days, and so much wiser than when I first blubbered my thoughts on this web site last summer.

Know that although this may be one of the hardest things that you have ever done, like all difficult life experiences, you will survive if you choose to.

HUGS!!!