How do u stop feeling responsible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
How do u stop feeling responsible?
2
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 2:45am
We separated because he is incapable of being faithfull, mostly emotionaly but also at times physicaly. We tried and failed, after 13 years I had to stop it, stop not trusting him, stop asking myself non stop if he was telling the truth or what he was doing on line....He has a problem, I know he needs help and that I can't do it for him but when like tonigh he feels to pieces I end up back at square one. I am doing great and feel much better now but he seems to have a hard time. For one he is deployed,his father is pretty sick and now his grand mother (he wasn't close to her )passed away. I am getting ready to move back home to France with our 2 boys (he has agreed to it) and finaly he got himself into trouble with the military so he has had his pay taken away. He says he is overwhelmed by all the events crushing his life. I sit there and think "You have done this to yourself. You had a supportive wife sending parcel, letters every week. You told me you couldn't give up your true friends (girls) as you called them". Yet even though I know I did the right thing, I worry about him, I worry about him being suicidal, I wonder if I should have just sacrificed myself and stayed if it meant him being able to function. How do u stop feeling responsible? I love my husband and I know he loves me but he can't help himself and stay faithfull so else can I do but leave?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 9:47am

Frenchie,


Hi. It doesn't matter why you divorce or who makes the decision to leave and then does. It's a gut-wrenching position to be in and there's no way "out" except to go "through."


You may be feeling codependent, i.e. feeling his feelings, his guilt, and his grief, given the fact you've been supportive of him for 13 years despite his philandering, it's bound to happen. (After all, he got away with it for 13 years because you put up with it. He thought you'd keep putting up to it. Now you've drawn a line in the sand and the consequences of his actions are coming home to roost.)


Stay the course and move forward. A physical separation this time will be different than his military absences because you know he's not "coming home" to you, and so does he. Don't take the ticket to the guilt trip. When you get home to France see if you can find a counselor to help you cope with your feelings and deal with his codependence. I think you'll find relief in both physical and emotional distance. And that takes time. Allow yourself the luxury of that.


In the end, HIS choices put him where he is. You did your best. Who could ask you to do otherwise? Letting him keep playing his games at your expense is going to cost you more in the long run. You've already felt the affects. Let him "own" his issues and deal with them. He'll probably beg you to take him back. Don't. Get the space you need, the help you deserve, and the chance to have the life you want. It will take time, but things will look so different to you a year from now.


Just take it one day a time.


Best wishes,

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Wed, 05-02-2007 - 12:41pm
Thank you so much for your answer. It makes perfect sense! Already I feel much better about myself with him gone even if it is deployement (he doesn't have a job that is that dangerous, he stays on the base)and like you said I know that once back home to France I'll feel even more different. I guess some days are easier than others.
Thanks again.
lydia