Thoughts on rekindling a marriage?
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| Wed, 05-02-2007 - 5:57pm |
Hello,
I haven't posted here before, but I'm lost in some thoughts and I'm hoping for a little guidance or at least a reality check.
I've been divorced for four years. We have two kids, 8 and 11, and we both love them to death. We have split custody, and the kids are doing "okay" with going back and forth to mom and dad's houses. The reason for the divorce was mostly my fault, but he shares some of the blame in my opinion. I cheated on him, first emotionally and then ultimately got into a physical relationship with that person. Although it was a long distance relationship and I never intended for it to end my marriage, it did. The reason I cheated was my husband's inability to be there for me emotionally or sexually, and I got swept away by someone who DID give me that.
Anyway...fast forward to now. Things got pretty bad between my ex and I, but now things are "okay" and we actually talk and call each other regarding the kids' schedules, etc. He's never dated. I ended my affair during our divorce hoping we could save the marriage, and since then I haven't dated either. I regret what I did, and wish I could turn the clock back and make the marriage work. I miss being a family. He's a very difficult man to talk to, which prompted my affair in the first place. But I very much want to approach this subject with him. I want to know if he regrets getting divorced, and if he'd want to try again, four years later.
It's much more complicated than I can put into words here. I want to be with my kids 24/7 and I know he does, too. I know that with a little hard work, we could do this. But I'm afraid to approach him, I'm afraid of being rejected. I'm so TIRED of being alone and missing my kids when they're gone. I'm obviously not interested in dating, otherwise I would BE dating or even remarried by now. Has anyone ever heard of divorced couples getting back together to make a family whole again, even when there's really no romance going on? I don't know what to do.
Layla

Hi Layla,
There's something to be said about giving each other space and time. It lets you get away from the heat of confrontation and the strain of living under the same roof. Some people separate and some divorce. Either way, some people find they have time to get perspective on themselves and their lives and they discover they want it to work out after all.
If you are both willing to work on a reunion, I strongly encourage you to enter marriage counseling - together and singly. Your desire to get together is great, but you still have a lot of baggage to deal with and it doesn't matter who is at "fault." You both contributed to the demise of your marriage. A good marriage counselor can help both of you identify those issues and help you work through the aftermath of your affair. Consider going yourself if he won't go with you.
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020