After a huge fight the night before.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
After a huge fight the night before.....
1
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 9:36am

Who knows what his mind is doing? He called me yesterday to say hi and to check on me to see if I was okay. I told him yes, I was fine. I was. I just told him I needed some closure and that this holding off on filing was not fair and that he needed to talk to me about what he is feeling and stop putting me off. I said to him that he always mentions how I used to be and the woman he fell for 4 years ago and I said I was working on that but that it takes time and that he's changed too. I asked him if I were to manage to get back to that person, which I really do anyway, would it make a difference to him and could we be happy again? He said it may make a lot of difference but he was not at the point where he could say yes or no. He said right now he did not know if he wanted a divorce or not and that he still had a lot of thoughts to put together. He said he was really trying to work through a lot. I do understand that, but what I don't get is that he refuses to tell me as he comes to conclusions. All I can gather is that he just isn't into seeing me or speaking to me. If he would just say, "Melissa, I cannot see you for ____ days/weeks." I'd get it. But he calls, comes over, etc. I let him because I think that maybe THIS time will will talk. But we never do. Last night he called again to check on me and said he was sick with a fever and was going home. He did not ask me to do a thing for him, but I did offer to bring him something to eat because I felt bad that he was feeling sick. I mean I do still love him and care for him. That has not changed. I always will. He said no that he'd stop and grab dinner and some Theraflu and he was going to bed. An hour later, he called me to say goodnight. He sounded tired. He said he had been asleep for about an hour and that he woke up and thought of me and wanted to say goodnight. I told him to go back to sleep and rest and I'd talk to him later. He's supposed to watch Emi Saturday night. I hope he's better so he can. I need a break and he needs time alone with his baby girl. Neither of us have been well through this. I've been coughing nonstop to the point of gasping and I've been rundown and exhausted. My eyes have really dark circles and I'm not sleeping. He's feeling it too. He said it has not been easy for him either and that leaving us was harder than I give him credit for. I realize that but he chose to go anyway, you know? He could have decided to stay and fight for it. He runs away. Always has. We'd fight and he'd run off to the bookstore. I am the type of person that walks toward you when I'm fighting, cornering you...he hates that. I want to change that because it probably isn't attractive, but it will take time. All I know is that I will make sure I am taken care of and will have a lawyer in place just in case we do divorce. I know this...I want this to work. But after a while I may realize it isn't worth it. I guess time will tell...

~mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 5:18pm

I think being in limbo is one of the most difficult, painful things to endure. It's so hard when you don't have concrete answers.