Was a mess when he finally left

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Was a mess when he finally left
4
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 2:56pm
I decided about 5 weeks ago that my husband and I needed to seperate for a while due to all of the problems we have had the past 2 years. We have been married 5 years and dated a year before that. he is a really good guy, just has a lot of control issues and addicition isses that I can not deal with. For 4 weeks I prayed the day he was moving would come. I was cold to him and just could not wait to have some freedom. Then he moved out and i went to pieces. I cried for 8 hours stright. I have never felt so helpless and breathless. I told him I was having second thoughts after he moved out. He got excited as he never wanted to seperate to begin with. I spent 2 of the next days with him and then said what am I doing. I feel so bad becuase I think I have gotten his hopes up and it was just a moment of weakness for me. I love him, but he will never change and I know that. I feel so bad. He wants to move back in and I have not told him yet that I dont want that. I am such a bad person for jerking him around like this. Help! Please tell me I am doing the right thing by taking time apart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 3:03pm
From the person on the receiving end of the separation, yeah, I can imagine he will be heartbroken over you telling him you still want out after telling him you had second thoughts. But I do understand how you feel and I hope you are able to break it to him and just explain that you had no idea how hard it would hit you and that a moment of weakness came and you responded wrongly to it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 6:11pm

I don't think you're jerking him around unless you're doing this to manipulate him. There's nothing wrong with needing space and time. There's also nothing wrong with being usure. In a lot of situations space and time is helpful.

Why not get a good book on marital separation? I read "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by Lee Raffel when I was still with my STBX and it seems like a useful book for those who are in that place (not me). Maybe a trial separation would be a good thing. Don't rush any decisions based on guilt. You will just find yourself in a bigger mess down the road.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 11:51pm
I know exactly how you feel. I went through a very similar situation last year. I was separated for months and struggled with needing him everyday. I am now divorced and am learning that life can be guilt free and happy again. It took months of therapy and a lot hard work, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is normal to feel confused and cling to the things you are used to. You will find that you need to be completely honest about your feelings towards him. If you have not tried counseling I strongly suggest that you do. It is so important to deal with your own issues before you can try and deal with separation or divorce. I feel your pain and hurt for you. It is a struggle and it will leave you wiped out emotionally and physically. BUT... I am here to tell you that I am a survivor of divorce and everyday I get better. You will figure it out. You are on the right track by reaching out for advice. Good luck and stay strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 11:49pm

I only have one word of advice, because I am living a very similar situation. My H is also very controlling and he wanted a divorce. To make a long story short, I moved out (bad idea) with the kids, went to the lawyer was ready to move on. In the meantime I did alot of crying begging etc. Finally I got used to the idea of being divorced I felt better. I felt alive again. Well he begged me to come back, he did a lot of things to manipulate the situation to make me feel like I had no choice but to come back, So I went back and guess what the man who promised me the world was gone. So anyway make sure you work out all the reasons you wanted a divorce out before you let him come back. Be honest with him and let him know that you are confused and that you are not trying to hurt him just to figure it all out. Make sure that you are the one that is in control and that if you do not get what you want 100% that you are strong enough and independent enough to leave. (unlike me).

best of luck
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