Just found out im getting a divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Just found out im getting a divorce
15
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 10:54am
I am just looking for people to talk to that have been there or are going through this. My husband of fifteen years just asked for a divorce on tuesday. I was hurt and angry that he didnt want to work it out, but right now i realize that we are not meant to be married, or at least i have convinced myself of it right now. There was no cheating as far as I know just that he doesnt love me anymore.He has always provided for us ,been there for our girls and been a pretty good man. We are talking and figuring stuff out right now and trying to maintain a friendship. With that said, I am nervous about what will happen when we begin negotiating support payments, bills, etc. He wants to do this with a mediator to save money because we are not well off by any means. We owe more on our home than what we can probably sell it for, we have a huge stack of bills and he just started a new job a year ago so has a little in stock and hardly any in retirement. There just isnt much money to go after. So is a mediator a good idea or not. He has never shown me any reason to think he would screw me over. He has offered to take practically all the bills. I know the divorce is a good idea because we were not good together. any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 1:33pm

I just wanted to say welcome and I am sorry you have to join us. You seem very calm about this which is admirable.

Mediation is much recommended and if your stbx gives you no reason to doubt his sincerity then it is a good route as long as you have a good mediator (feel free to interview a few) and you have your own lawyer to review any proposed settlement and answer any legal questions (often mediators won't opine on the law because they need to stay neutral).

That said we have has a long and not terribly fruitful mediation.

Now that the lawyer bills are really wracking up though I think we are especially motivated to force the process along.

How old are your children? Are you working? You will need to think about a parenting plan as well.

Gl and tell us more when you can!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 3:01pm

Hi, I'm new here too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 6:57pm
I'm glad I'm not the only one with the alimony issue. I ended up taking only 1/2 of what I should have received just to remain "amicable". We probably wouldn't be divorced today if I didn't. My lawyer wasn't in agreement but I mentally couldn't take it any longer.
Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 1:46am
thanks for replying. My girls are 13 and 14. I go from being calm to being scared. I hope that my stbx is being truthful about how things will work out. Sometimes I worry that he is being nice just to keep the peace for now. I am trying to avoid lawyer fees and keep things friendly but I dont want to get screwed over either. anyway I am just venting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 1:52am
thanks for the reassurance. I am really new at this. We are slowly talking things through, but we have a long road ahead of us. I guess it is hard because I am not the one that really wanted it. I am coming to the realization that it is the right thing to do, but I do love him very much and it will take a while for that to change. I am working on it. I am really nervous about being a single mom and feel almost alone through this. Thats why I am on here trying to get the feeling that it is okay and that my life isnt falling apart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 1:55am

I took on the low end for the amount I wanted but I agreed on less time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2003
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 2:02am

Oh sweetie, I totally understand where you are coming from.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 10:51am
thank you for writing. I know I will make it I just want to feel like making it alone.
thank you for the tip on the resource. I will check it out. You seem so peaceful and positive. I hope I can stay that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 4:07pm

Keep it "friendly" if you can. He is probably doing so out of guilt and residual affection for you (he doesn't wish you ill, just doesn't want to be with you kinda stuff) and concern for his kids. I am not excusing him, mind you!

As for your perspective -- keeping it "friendly" can get you the best deal (so to speak) and it best for protecting your children from the worst fallout from the divorce. No matter how it goes down it is still really hard on the kids, mind you.

We are maybe reaching a "friendly" stage, but my stbx is pretty ify so I can't count on him to be consistent. I still find it unforgiveable, but I gotta do the best I can for my children and myself. I especially want to keep things as "positive" as I can in terms of working on caring for our children together.

GL and stay around!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 8:12pm
I could have written your story for the most part (as far as the finances anyway)........we used a mediator and it was the best thing we could have done. Once attorneys get involved is when it gets messy (in my experience)....try to mediate, especially if he is willing to pay your bills without you even having to fight him to. One word of advice, do your homework before you go to the mediator. Every state is different, but you should know what to expect walking into the mediator's office as far as what types of things you need to work out in your agreement......

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