I'm just about at the end of my rope

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
I'm just about at the end of my rope
5
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:40pm

I know I come here and vent a ton, but I am totally overwhelmed these days. I got a call from STBX today telling me that he has to go out of town for a work thing this weekend. He told me that he had arranged for his parents to watch the kids while he's gone. He has the kids every weekend and he lives with his parents, so he thinks this is just fine. But he said he was being "nice' in offering to "let" me have them for the weekend as long as he gets them for the entire 4 day long weekend next week.

I am pretty enraged. He thinks that leaving the kids with his parents is superior to leaving them with me. I never get the kids on weekends because he gets them every weekend and one weeknight a week. I told him that I expect that if he is away I should be with the kids, not his parents. I also told him that I wasn't going to give him the entire long weekend in exchange for being able to see the kids on Mother's Day. I explained that I only have the kids on weekdays and with our older son being in preschool 5 days a week, I only get the business end of time with them- getting them up, fed, dressed, and ready to go to school with no time to go out and do fun stuff with them. But he wants the 2 days my son has off from school in exchange for half of Saturday and Sunday this weekend. I'm very frustrated. I feel like I can't stop him from leaving the kids with his parents instead of with me.

I also went to see a new lawyer today. Our collaborative law hasn't being going well at all- he hasn't paid much in support and he hasn't listed our marital home which has been sitting empty for months. The new lawyer suggested that I lay it on the line at our next collaborative meeting on Thursday, and if that doesn't motivate all parties involved, that I'll have to proceed with court.

My entire life is up in the air. I don't know what will happen if we end up in court. He's planning on quitting his job, and if he doesn't pay any support I will be forced to drop out of school to get a job. I'm already in debt to my parents for the lawyer that I've been seeing. If this carries on even if I do get a settlement out of the house I'll have to give it all to my parents to pay them back. I feel like he is doing a bang up job of making sure my life is ruined for leaving him. Everything is such a mess that I don't know which way to turn anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 9:09am

Well, not to stir the pot here.... but I couldn't wait for the day when EX took responsibility and made care arrangements for the kids on his days when he had a conflict.... besides expecting me to be available.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 9:33am

Well, yes of course I want them. That's not really the issue. The problem is that he wants a 4 day long weekend in exchange.

I suppose in the end the REAL issue is that thus far he has had every weekend with them and I would like that to change. I feel that I don't get enough quality time with them. Of course, he's not prepared to change it because he's happy that I'm unhappy. He repeatedly states that this is all my fault and it all ends up in a big argument.

Overall, the stress of not being able to deal effectively with him and the failure of the collaborative process is wearing me out. This weekend thing is just another drop in the bucket.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 9:57am

With my EX, it really helped when I started acting like he was doing me a HUGE favor to keep the kids.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 3:54pm

cbote I guess I'm not understanding why you continue to try the collaborative way. It's not working. For weeks now I think you've been saying going to the collaborative meetings haven't been working so I think it's time to hang it up, it's time to get a lawyer and go to court I know it's not what you really want to do but it's the way it's going to have to be, collaborative meetings are not going to work for you and your spouse. By the way who thought up this "custody" agreement of him getting the kids EVERY weekend??? I really don't think that's fair either for you to get no fun time with your children.

I really think you need to stop with the collaborative. I don't mean to be harsh but you need to poop or get off the pot. Collaborative meetings aren't working for you and hemming and hawwing about quitting them are not going to make them any better, I know you talked to a new lawyer but making some grande stand at the meetings I really don't think is going to work either. I would just quit them and start working towards your court case.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 10:59pm

I appreciate your honesty and assessment of my situation. Frankly, the reason I haven't quit the collaborative meetings is because I'm afraid to go to court. I've had so many threats hurled at me and sadly, I've bought into them. But, you're right, the current course of action isn't working and I don't see that it's likely to. I just really have little to no backbone when it comes to dealing with my STBX.

As for the visitation schedule, that was a demand made by my STBX and I went with it for the sake of peace. I've given in too much for the sake of peace and it hasn't been beneficial to anyone involved. I've short-changed myself and set a precedent for my STBX that has given him a lot of power. It's a continuation of the marital patterns that we lived with that I thought I was leaving. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a victim. I'm actively creating this as much as he is. It's up to me to put a stop to it. I just have to find the fortitude to do so.