When will I stop dreaming about him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
When will I stop dreaming about him?
2
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 10:11pm

I've never truly introduced myself, but I needed to write. I asked my h to leave just before xmas last year and has been living with his parents ever since. Our (his) history in our almost 7 year marriage includes alcoholism, infidelity, etc. His last "friend" broke this camel's back when I asked him to leave. We have 2 children, almost 4 year old twins. He has seen them almost every day since leaving and we have been getting along very well. The process has gone smoothly and we are going to court this Friday (gulp!) What I want to know is when will I stop dreaming of him? I don't mean bad dreams...which finally stopped a few months ago...just regular dreams. He's in every one of them and in my dreams it's like nothing ever happened. We are together, parents, lovers, and friends. Almost every dream I have he is in. Now, since he left, I have given him one hug when his father was diagnosed with cancer. Otherwise it's been purely platonic and friendly. I actually avoid touching him. I have my moments of pure hatred and betrayal, but my good days are finally outweighing my bad days. But, why do I dream like this??? Will there be one day where I will dream of us actually divorced? Or dealing with visitations? Things that are actually going on in my real life. I'm just confused and its beginning to make me wake up sad. It's like throwing it in my face what I no longer have. What my life is no longer about. Could this be happening more because court is coming up?? Because our (would be) 7 year anniversary would be in 2 weeks?? Maybe that's why. Oh who knows.

Just wondering if I'm the only one.

Thanks!!
Karie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 11:15pm
Karie,
Oh my Gosh no you are not the only one who dreams of the former every night. I was married for eight years.
Our issues were very similiar alcohol except his affairs were with the internet. At least prior to the separation. He then moved half way across the US to chase his music career(he was in his mid 40s). He left me behind with our then four year old son and all the household bills. He felt I made enough money and could survive. Unfortunately, durring this time one of my old boyfriends from way back called and I started an emotional affair with him. HUGE MISTAKE!!! I first asked for the divorce because I was tired of supporting him and did not want to move to Vegas. I also thought my life would be so much better without all the emotional abuse. We were separated 3 and half years, but had a revolving door. We actually were back together about a year of that. Of course I then found out after a couple of his girlfriends calling my house he wasnt Mr. Innocent. Then last March he gave me divorce papers. Our divorce was final in August but we were dating eachother and more until the weekend before Thanksgiving when he told me he met someone on Match.com and wanted this new relationship to work. Now mind you during the month of December and January he was still affectionate towards me. Our six month waiting period was over February 25th and on February 26th he married Ms. Match.Com...whom has two kids two years apart and two different dads. But their relationship was centered around the Lord. I suppose that made it ok to have my son see the two of them in the same be prior to the marriage. They did not even invite our son to the wedding. He told our son when he picked him up from school.
They bought a home(the one I originally wanted but was told we could not afford) 15 blocks west of my home. NICE.
Ok so enough of the background. I think about him all the time and as sick as this may be still love him very much. I have had to build some strong boundaries. I dream of him every single night. I tell myself when I go to bed that I am not going to dream of him and sure enough I do. Sometimes it is like nothing ever happened. Other times I am fighting to tell my side of the story and plead my case of love for him. One time I even dreamed I was at their wedding and I started spitting all over them. I wake up often in the night and say ok you are NOT going to dream of him. Then of course I do.
I have been told it just takes time. Well this time seems to be the longest time ever. I have also been told I just need to find someone to replace him with in my dreams. However I dont want anyone else. Now that is very sick.
My mother thinks I am crazy because I tell her I dream about him. She replies how can you even think of that monster they must be nightmares.
Not really a solution more of just a yeah I totally hear you.
Avatar for hwh50
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2001
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 4:20am
I'm 57 years old and my h of 30 years left me and divorced me. I never stopped dreaming about him or loving him. He came back 3-1/2 years later and asked me to marry him again. I took 3 months to think about it and finally said yes. It lasted 2 years and he left again, that was 2 years ago. I still dream of him and I'll always love him. During our first divorce I dated 1 guy for 3 months and couldn't have sex with him the first few times because I felt like I was cheating. I finally got past that, moved on and it was great. But I never stopped loving or thinking about my husband, he was and still is in my heart. I haven't even made an effort to date during this past 2 years because I still think about my h constantly. But I know when the time is right, my heart will let me know, just like before. If it weren't for the good dreams about him I don't know if I could go on. Hope this helps.