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| Wed, 05-09-2007 - 2:05am |
Hi All, nice to find a forum for chat and mutual support/venting. Been separated over a year and still living in the same house. He vowed he would spend every cent we had so that I would never get the kids. Imagine fighting that out in court and returning home and acting as if all was OK (for the kids). Sometimes I think lawyers don't get it: advice was to NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES leave the marital home. This has been hell. I don't want the home. Of course, after we had spent 20,000 he dropped that foolishness and we are trying to work out a settlement. Kids will be one week at each place. Peace of mind is worth me being generous, but on the other hand, my children deserve what I am entitled to to provide for them. Just bought a mobile. 12 yr old daughter is mortified and is taking her anger out on me. I am trying to be understanding, but I feel at a distinct disadvantage. My "home" will never be considered "their" home. They have lived here all of their lives. My 14 yr old son is fine with it, Thank God.
Sorry, this has turned into more of a vent than an introduction. Just want to know if any others have dealt with a 12 yr old daughter who is trying to call the sots and has slammed into puberty at 100 mph. I understand, but she is saying hurtful things (not to her father) and it has been so hard not to lose it during such a stressful year. I figure my job is to make then adore their father, but the temptation to tell them what he has done to lead up to me asking for a divorce after 15 years is sometimes overwhelming.Thanks for listening. Jaye

Hi Jaye,
Don't take anything personal the way your daughter is acting. Also, don't allow her to treat you badly. She will test you time and time again, but hang in there. She has no way to comprehend what you are going through so definitely keep her out of the marriage battle.
I went through alot with my daughter and I have a girlfriend that has been facing the same battles. It all works out in the end. If I could go back and do it again, I definitely would change alot of things. So take my hindsight and use it.
Don't worry about their dad, don't even talk about him unless they bring him up and be very truthful to them, not spiteful. Be your true self to your children and create a relationship just with them and forget about their father. You will get jealous at times because they will seem to favor him, but remember there are times that he will get jealous too.
Hang in there!
Terry
My older DD, Rosie is 12 1/2 now. She definitely takes her anger about anything and everything on me and my parents but never, ever her father, who is the main cause of all her frustration.
Why? Because she trusts us. She trusts that we'll keep her emotionally safe. She trusts that we won't hate her for what she says. She doesn't trust her father at all!
And I remember about 6 months after I moved into my house (he stayed in the marital home until he remarried) having a huge fight with her that culminated in "Well why don't you just let us stay with Dad? You didn't want us, anyway, that's why you moved here." Nothing was further from the truth and I explained that.
Be patient. Her anger is just covering up her love ( as hard as that is to grasp )
Edited 5/9/2007 12:14 pm ET by callalily65
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
I agree. Your DD trusts your love for her. Even a child can tell who is "for real," and who will cut them off or dump them if they don't behave. It is also true that, even if your home were intact and perfect, the hormonal girls pick on their mothers the most. They say it's an identity thing, becoming her own kind of woman.
I hope that you love your new home. In your shoes, I think I would see it as quite the haven, your own, your escape from divorce jail. Make it nice, just the way you like it!
Thanks everyone. Nice to hear this is normal. And yes, I am thrilled with my new little piece of real estate. Now I can fold my own towels the way I want to, not have to alphabetize my pantry, and actually shop for my own groceries! Anyone else dealing with an "engineer" type of guy?!
Again, thanks for the warm welcome and words of wisdom. I hope I will be able to help others as we all journey through this.
I am also new to this whole experience. I was married for 17 years. We have an 18 year old daughter and an 11 year son. I always say "everyone needs a teenage daughter." I've been divorced for 7 mos. I'm still having a real hard time, that's why I came here.
My daughter is an adult and always tells me she wants to be treated like one so she and discuss some of the things going on between her father and myself. She's alot like a friend, but sometimes she doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I don't tell her everything, only the stuff she either knows or will soon find out. I'm slowly learning to stop telling her things and stop asking her questions about her dad.
My advice to you would be just let her vent. My daughter still tells me she's going to stay with her dad for the summer because I am too controlling. Oh yeah, she's a senior in high school. Don't give in to her every little whim. She loves you and she'll one day see the sacrifices you made. She's going through puberty so she's not the sweet and loving little girl you once had, but she'll be back soon enough. Hold on, it's going to be a bumpy ride for awhile, but it will be alright.
My thoughts and prayers are with you
Thanks for sharing your experience. Every story helps me see that I am not the evil being I feel like most of the time. My insecurities come from the last few years of my husband trying to isolate me: he constantly told me that the kids (now 12 and 14) didn't like me, or didn't like being with me. He also told me lies about how my own family was saying all of these things about me. When your self esteem is in the toilet, and hubby is your only link to the outside world, you believe it.
Anyway, it was MY initiative to separate and divorce. My self esteem has risen tremendously, and I went back to school. Funny, but my daughter's response to this at first (after the intial shock was over) was to tell me that "divorced kids are spoiled kids!" My husband and his family (who live 30 mins away but never ever call the kids or had visited in a couple of years) suddenly decided that she needed an expensive digital camera for her 12th birthday last Sept. My poor son, who turned 14 in Feb., got $5 in a mailed card. It backfired though, because they still never call them or ever see them. He took them to his mom's on Boxing Day and that was the last time they saw her. My parents are always available for love, not bribes, and I keep telling them to keep it on an even keel, don't indulge them because you feel badly for them. I had to decide that I was going to continue to be the parent, and not the "good time guy" my hubby was trying to be. Once this divorce goes through, he won't be able to afford all of the things he is dong now.
I did have the worst Mother's Day, though. After telling them for a week that all I truly wanted was 30 seconds of their time to write a little note to me, with "I love you Mom" or something similar, I got an inappropriate card hubby ran out and bought that morning and not even a mention of Happy Mother's Day. My insecurities were in overdrive and I bawled. My husband took my son out to his soccer practice (that I had planned on taking him as it seems to be the only time we get to spend together)and my daughter spent the day on the pc. She would only talk to me on MSN! AAAARGH! Only 6 more years of this, you say? yippee!
J.