He is MAD
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| Thu, 05-10-2007 - 3:40pm |
I got temporary physical custody and monitoring of his drinking during visitation. He has to take a breathalizer test before/after taking the girls for either of his two evening visits and before picking them up for his EOW and then submit to a urine test that is sensitive enough to detect alcohol consumption for 5 days after the girls are returned on Sunday. He also got a $900/month child support bill. He was COUNTING on 50/50 custody and NO child support or me paying him child support.
He got of easy on the child support. I asked for status quo. I wanted half the mortgage and half of the girls expenses like child care. That would have been $1200/month in the summer when day care bills are high. It's going to be tight in the summer when the day care bill quadruples but I'll manage. Fortunately, they made it retroactive so I'll have two payments from him before the first summer day care bill hits.
We got referred for family counseling and psychiatric evaluations. I am SOOOOO happy about this. He's been lying about me and exaggerating to the point that the ref cut me off when I started to talk about his improper behavior towards dd#1 with a curt "he has lots to say about you too". Fortunately, I had two emails from dd's teacher (she got into trouble but told me not to worry about it bless her heart). One is dd's statement that she was very happy because her dad was moving out on his moving day and the other is a statement that while she has never met stbx in the two years she's had dd in her class, she's been in regular contact with me regarding dd's school work.
Unfortunately, I didn't have the impact statement from dd's counselor because stbx threatened her with a lawsuit if she helped me. Yes, such a caring father there. More worried about his butt than his dd's well being.
I'm so happy about the evaluations. First, I think the picture the kids paint is telling and should be considered above anything else. Second, stbx's recent behaviors have me concerned that he's suffered some kind of mental break down. He's not even making sense sober. The funny part is I'm sure he's happy about this too becuase he thinks I'm nuts, lol. I've been through so much counseling (bi polar dad, juvenile delinquent ss, marriage counseling and now counseling with dd) that my head is on straighter than most people's heads and I know where my rocks reside, lol. We'll just avoid those areas.
Fortunately, my issues (we all have them) don't impact parenting like his do. I know that I'm a worry wart. I have to have my ducks in a row and be prepared for the worst while hoping for the best (think adult child of an alcoholic control issues). Yes, it's a personality flaw but it doesn't have a negative impact on my kids. I'm just constantly tweaking the plan. I had to bring in 6 months pay stubs today and I feel sorry for the person who has to sort through them. I was hitting my 401K hard for a time and then buying savings bonds for the girls for college like mad and then making a large savings deposit because we were talking about buying another house. It's hard to figure out how much I actually earn. My take home and deposits changed from pay check to pay check.
I am, however, really bummed that stbx did not admit to being an alcoholic when hit with the assessment results. The thing that would really make me feel better about visitation would be him admitting he has a problem and seeking help. I just don't feel that he can actually quit without facing up to the fact he has a problem. He's still claiming I'm blowing his drinking out of proportion in order to keep the kids from him and get child support. Truth be told, if I really thought he'd changed his ways, I wouldn't be averse to something closely resembling 50/50 as long as the kids had a regular schedule that didn't require a planner to make a play date. I actually like his orignal plan if we lived closer together and I knew he was really trying to stay sober. As things are now, I can't help but feel that his sobriety is just temporary until we get through the hearings and he has what he wants.

Well, he just left with the kids. He actually went for the PBT and has to show up Monday for a urine test to determine if he drank over the weekend. Poor guy, I get the kids back at 6:00 tomorrow because of Mother's day on Sunday and he can't go tie one on until Monday night, lol. He has to be clean for the test on Monday.
Normally, he will take the test on Monday after having the kids until 6:00 on Sunday night but seeing as this is a short weekend, he has to suffer through a Saturday night with no kids and no beer.
Do you know what I can't believe? I can't believe that after all this. After having two counselors tell him he's an alcoholic. After having an assessment saying he has a drinking problem and review of that assessment saying he's an alcoholic, he STILL won't admit he has a drinking problem. He says I'm the only reason he drank/drinks whichever the case may be. He says he's not drinking but I keep hearing he is from family.
I really don't get this. How many times and different ways do you have to be told you are an alcoholic before you get it? I hate this PBT and urinalysis stuff. Just admit you have a stinking problem and get your butt into rehab already!!!!!
While there is no hope for our marriage no matter how much he cleans himself up, I would feel so much better about the kids if he'd face his problem instead of blaming me for it.
He'll continue to blame whoever he can until HE decides that HE has a problem... no one will ever be able to tell him where he'll hear or understand it.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thanks. Sometimes I need to be reminded that this is his doing.
STBX CLAIMS he's no longer drinking. That it just "poof" went away when he moved out and thinks I should just accept that as fact, drop the monitoring and give him 50/50 custody. He is FURIOUS about the monitoring. He's insisting that I'm just being a witch but I don't believe for one second that his drinking just turned off when he moved out. The professionals I'm dealing with who know more about alcohlic behavior than I do are telling me it doesn't work like that. That alcoholics CAN control it when they feel compelling reason to do so but once the pressure is off, they go right back to their old ways.
Looks like I've lost my step son with the monitoring too. He thinks I'm just being a witch because I can be. That is sad. He remembers what it was like when he was growing up and his father wasn't as bad then as he was the last five years we were married. Yet, he'll support condemning his sisters to his care for 50% of the time. I guess blood is all that matters. Doesn't anyone in this mess care what's good for my girls?
It's not having to play the part of the narc and monitoring their father's drinking, which everyone but him is telling me WILL come back just as soon as he deems it safe and it's not turning them into little ping pong balls to be divided up between mom and dad in a never ending game of back and forth. Who ever drempt up something like 50/50 shared time? My kids won't have a home. They'll just be visitors in two different homes.
I keep thinking there's no way he can win but in this county they want to give the father the benefit of a doubt. Pray the court ordered counseling uncovers the same kinds of issues our marriage counseling and dd's counseling have. Unfortunately, those records are sealed without stbx's approval and he not only won't give it, he's threatened the counseling center with legal action if they do anything to aid my case.
Edited 5/15/2007 2:14 am ET by gr8fulmom1
gr8
i feel a certain closeness to you because both of our stbx's are alcoholics. have you visited the alcohol problems board? they are wonderful and have helped me so much.
what
I'm glad things are going better.
STBX is an alcoholic, an addict. As previous posters have indicated, until he's ready to deal with it, he'll blame everyone else.
Just be careful of the damage he can inflict on those around him between now and when he hits rock bottom.
Its possible he's stopped drinking. Its called a "dry drunk" -- like a drinking binge, but with no consumption. A councelor who has dealt with alcoholics before should be able to distinguish, quickly, between a "dry drunk" and someone who is recovering.
Good luck.