New here and newly separated
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 05-11-2007 - 4:29pm |
Hi everyone, I'm new here. 6 weeks ago my husband and I decided to separate and last weekend he moved out of our home into his own apartment. There is no animosity and no battle here, just sadness on both parts that we grew too far apart after 12 1/2 years of marriage to find our way back together.
I have always been the primary wage earner - I work in an office in a major city and make 2 1/2x what he does in our far, far suburban town. Basically our roles have been I have the nasty commute and make the bigger bucks, he makes the lesser salary and is able to drop 11yo DD off at school in the mornings, pick her up after work, and be available if she needed to be picked up from school at short notice.
When we decided to separate I started working out how we would be able to afford 2 households. I realized out of his monthly takehome he could afford a modest apartment, food and utilities, his car payment and insurance, and his student loan payment. I could pay the mortgage, food and utilities, my car payment and insurance, our combined debt payments, and have about the same $.50 left over every month that he had.
Friends are giving me crap about not splitting the credit card payments with him or pressing him for child support. The man makes a little more than 1/3 what I make - am I supposed to see him homeless to make things more financially "fair"? I figure he's about as broke as I am right now and that's fair enough.
I don't know how things will work out financially for us though. He cannot afford to buy me out of the house and I can't afford to sell it and rent something comparable. Plus with the real estate market being what it is houses in our area just aren't moving. And I don't want to have to move out of our home.
I'm just confused. And lonely. And everyone's giving me unsolicited advice on things they know nothing about. ARGH!!!!
Anyhow, glad to be here. lol

If you both are ameniable to the financial arrangements then I say go for it (more unsolicited advice). What is best is to maintain something approximating the status quo for your child and that seems to be both your priorities. What a blessing it is to have at least one parent who can be there every morning and every afternoon! Way to go!
You can write a separation agreement that allows for future payments toward debts, even if he defers those payments now. Or you can have a provision opening the door to cs if the need arises or financial circumstances change in future.
I envy you your relatively peaceful parting.
My stbx and I are trying, but we aren't truly peaceful about this and for some reason are in a mediation that is taking a long time and costing me (I have inheritance I am sucking dry) a fortune.
So, go the peaceful route, if you can and welcome!
M
If you have it worked out, go with what you've worked out. Sounds fair to me. My stbx tried to leave me with a household full of bills, including day care, while he took on an apartment full of bills. He figured that since I could afford it with $.50 cents left at the end of the month I should while he lived high on the hog. I still can't believe he expected that.
Sounds like you have things worked out fairly so both of you can afford to live without one having a lot more than the other.
As to the house, ask him if he'll quit claim it to you. You can't sell it but you shoudln't be forced to make equity payments that he'll get half of after the divorce when it's eventually sold either. We're going to end up taking a bath on our house because I can't buy him out, he doesn't want it and won't quit claim it. So it will be sold and we'll both end up getting a fraction of what we might have gotten in a few years when things start to turn around.
I don't know about everyone else, but money has been the hardest thing for me and my STBX to work out.
hello...i am separated two months and divorced 3 weeks...and i have been crying on and off. i read your message and can relate to your wanting to help w/ the finances. i was the one who got us to the income level we are at (thru a cleaning business) and he could never accomlish along what we did together....friends and family want me to cut him out of the business so that i can have more of the $$$ for myself. i don't want that. we built it together, i can easily start another, he couldn't...being an immigrant, etc., and not as resouceful as I. so, long story short, i absolutely agree w/ you to help out while someone needs it and you want to do it. today, i told my sis-in-law, when she said, 'it's not the norm,' that there is NO norm. today, i believe, you do what you have to do to get where you want to be. that may sound corny and i don't mean it that way. it's just not easy to find others WHO HAVEN'T GONE THRU IT to understand IT. and, "IT" for me is.....the emotional pain of separting, ending and trying to makes ends meet. a life coach once said to me, 'you have to give time to time,' to give yourself time to get there. this weekend i cried a little less that last weekend and i am so happy to have noticed that. and, every monday i cannot wait to see and hug him, even though i never want to live w/ him again. we are going thru the pain together and really only he and i know how much it hurts. everyone else is surprised i haven't 'bounced back' like the old person they used to know. well, i was never divorced before! 10 yrs of marriage, his kids, and i'm 52 now.
i was given a book that has helped a lot: "Surviving the Loss of a Love," and offer it to anyone who wants to heal the emotional pain.
stick to your guns and go by your heart.