Make it thru Holidays?
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Make it thru Holidays?
| Sun, 12-09-2007 - 6:11pm |
Hello all...
I'm relatively new to this board. I've been lurking on and off for some time, but had yet to actually post. I didn't really have much to contribute or ask until now.
My husband and I have pretty much come to the conclusion that we can't live together anymore. We have 3 children ages 3-11 and are trying to make this as easy a transition for them as possible. We've decided it best to wait through the holidays, but boy is it proving to be rather difficult.
This is something that, although we agree that we shouldn't live together, I'm more convinced than he is. He's not a bad man, just not a very good husband.

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Julie, proud mama to
Chelsi (10/2/88)
Hannah (7/4/96)
Madison (12/6/98)
Jon Leslie (born sleeping 12/3/02)
Sydney Allison (edd 12/17/04)
Jewlz:
I am in the same boat.
Lynne,
I'd have to agree that I do prefer this over the drama, but at the same time, being reminded of what a jerk he can be seems to keep me on course in terms of my intentions. I have a tendency to be a little weak and listen to the empty promises of change, yada, yada. We separated once about 2 years ago (almost to the day) for about 10 weeks and I ended up falling for the promises and taking him back. Not only did it eventually
Julie, proud mama to
Chelsi (10/2/88)
Hannah (7/4/96)
Madison (12/6/98)
Jon Leslie (born sleeping 12/3/02)
Sydney Allison (edd 12/17/04)
Jewlz-
Sounds like you have tried as hard as you can. My stbx went to one therapy session. When he was confronted (cant think of a better word) He would not go again. I remember the words red flag being used. Selfish or narcissistic or issues BIG or small, there was no effort on his part.
try to have a peaceful day
My H & I have been married for 22yrs. with 2 kids 17&10. For the past 3yrs I haven't been happy to the point I allowed myself to fall into a depression where I could function enough to get myself to work come home & go to bed. Till one day something inside me said "You have 2 great kids to live for get up & do something"
We too did the counseling together & on our own. The times we were there together the counselor would ask my H what he thought about what I had just said & he was like "What was the question again" He didn't even hear what was going on. He acted the same as you say your H did "That I was the one with the problem not him" When you have "THE NICE GUY" for a H it seems that we are not allowed to feel unhappy. I've had people ask me "Does he beat you? Does he drink or do drugs? Is he not responsible & not have a job? Since the answer to the ?'s was no, they would always say "Then you should just be happy"
It's almost like we are in a situation were our feelings do not count. After going to counseling & seeing that nothing was ever gonna change I moved out with my kids (I didn't stay in our house because I would not be able to afford it)I started doing a lot of soul searching & telling myself that I was not going to allow anyone to change my mind & especially if it was because they were giving me the guilt trip & trying to make me feel sorry for them. (If I start to have any dought all I have to do is talk to him for 30sec on the phone & I realize that this is the right thing.)LOL!
I guess what I'm trying to say is "Don't allow anybody to make you feel anything different then what you in your heart feel" Try & do some soul searching. What do "YOU" want out of life. They say communicating is key for marriage. I think it can be key for a Divorce (If that is what you want) that can end in a peaceful way & everybody being happy. I know my kids would rather have 2 Happy Parents than 2 Miserable Parents. Sure they would love for us to all be in the same house, but if that's not possible they can deal with things a lot easier if they see us getting along even if we are not married to each other anymore.
My H is still in denial thinking that we will get back together, I know that's not what I want.What you said about him being use to the idea of being married to you was such an eye opener for me. I didn't know how to word it before but that's exactly how it is with my H. I feel my H & I love each other but are no longer "IN LOVE" with each other (I use to hate when people would say that, now I see what they meant)If we were really still in love with each other we would not do the things we do! He will tell me he loves me so much & in the same breath he tells me I need to make up my mind so he knows what to do with the house & being able to go out. I know that it's more about finding someone to have sex with, but he can't even be straight with me cause he doesn't want to end up beeing the bad guy & that way he can blame everything on me! Well it takes 2 to make things really good or really bad & if the H's can't deal with accepting their 50% of the responsibility we have to do what we need to make ourselves happy.
Having to deal with this during the Holidays is very hard, but time will pass faster than you think & you can make the choices you need to. Just remember that you are not alone there are others going thru the exact same thing you are. I feel there is no better person to talk to about an issue we are dealing with than someone who is going thru the same thing. You know where to go if you need a sounding board. I know that by reading your post you have helped me very much.
I wish you the best!
Lola.
Lola,
I'm glad I was able to help you in some way. I'm pretty much taking things one step at a time and doing the best I can with what I've got. Focusing on making Christmas nice for the kids helps. He just wants to be in this state of denial and pretend nothing's wrong. I'm not fighting it because, as I said, it's better than the alternative. I just know, though, that when the first of January comes around and I tell him I'm ready to go, he's going to go balistic as if he's hearing it for the first time.
Please feel free to share you thoughts and feelings with me either here on this board or through email. I've been a member of other ivillage boards for years and it's amazing how these communities have helped me through so many difficult phases of my life. Just knowing you're not alone and there's someone to share in your turmoil (and joys!) makes all the difference in the world.
Take care of yourself and your children. ((((HUGS)))) to you from me...
Jewlz
Julie, proud mama to
Chelsi (10/2/88)
Hannah (7/4/96)
Madison (12/6/98)
Jon Leslie (born sleeping 12/3/02)
Sydney Allison (edd 12/17/04)
I am also new to this site, I am also going through the same thing. My husband wants to file & take the 6 months you have to wait & seperate. He seems to think that absence will make the heart grow fonder. Well I dont thinks so, we have 3 children ages 2 1/2- 11. My husband says he doesnt feel that I love him which is so untrue & says im not affectionate enough. Well his idea of showing love is sex only. He doesnt show alot of respect for me so it makes it hard to be all lovey dovey with him but he doesnt understand. He wants me to move out, I wouldnt be able to afford our mortgage on my own, I have a home daycare also, which I would have to move. We have tried counseling & my husband quit going after the 3rd visit, I went to the last one by myself. I am still living here because I cant afford to move out yet & with the Holidays here I am trying to keep things as "normal" as possible for the kids sake but it is very hard sometimes pretending that things are ok when they are not. I have some days where I dont no how I will make it through the day but I know I just have to take things one day at a time & just be there for our kids because they need us regardless of what we are going through with our marriage.
Sweetie, I could have SO written your post!! I, too, am being accused of not showing enough affection and I, too, am treated with very little to no respect. I'm not feeling much like being loving toward him when he disrepects me the way he does. He doesn't get it. Even when I try to explain it to him, he says it's because I have low self-esteem and I'm "too sensitive".
Hang in there and know that you're not alone. Having an outlet like this to talk and listen makes a huge difference and, if nothing else, helps me get through the day.
((((HUGS))))
Jewlz
Julie, proud mama to
Chelsi (10/2/88)
Hannah (7/4/96)
Madison (12/6/98)
Jon Leslie (born sleeping 12/3/02)
Sydney Allison (edd 12/17/04)
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