15 years thrown away
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15 years thrown away
| Sat, 12-15-2007 - 11:29am |
I am 36 years old been married to the same man, who I love with all my heart, since the age of 21. I have two children ages 14 and 15. Background: I was my husband's rebound girl who got pregnant after a year of dating. The previous girl was what he called the love of his life and I think that he hardened his heart since they broke up. At first, I thought he married me because he loved me but later found out that his parents forced him to marry me or they would have cut him off financially. We argued on and off for the past 15 years (what married couple doesn't)and tried to make the best of it for the children's sake. I even gave up my college education so he could continue with his (someone had to look after the kids and bring money into the house). I moved several hours away from my parents so he could get a better job. Every bit of money I ever made has went to either the children or to him. I hardly ever bought anything for myself. Basically, I sacrificed everything for this family even enduring my husband's constant mental abuse-which he called joking around (making fun of my weight, calling me names, treating me like his personal servant, undermining my authority, yelling at me, making fun of my intelligence, etc.). Fast forward 15 years later, my husband is suffering from depression and stress. My husband blames me for this. Our marriage has been really strained for the past year and it is taking its toll on our children. He has been to the doctor and has gotten medicine but it has not helped much. A few weeks ago he told me that he is unhappy and wants a divorce. Imagine my shock when I asked him why and he said that he does not love me and never has loved me (he told the children this before he told me). To make matters worse our children want the divorce too because they are tired of all the fights and they also want to live with their dad instead of me. That was the worst of all, my children don't want me around even after everything that I do for them such as making sure they have everything for school even if it means sacrificing something that I need- help with projects - taking them to and from school functions, sports, doctor appointments, parties, etc. I don't know what to do. I love my husband (if he would just open his heart I know he would love me, you don't just throw away 15 years of marriage) and want our family to remain intact. My family is my life and without them it is over. I have nothing to live for--no children, no husband who loves me, no relatives in the area, no decent paying job, no higher education, nowhere to live, no decent mode of transportation.

Imno,
Hi. I'm sorry you find yourself in these circumstances. Sometimes life's "wake up" calls come in harsh forms. It sounds like you've been putting yourself second, third and fourth to everyone else for a long time. I suggest you take this as the opportunity to become selfish in a very healthy way. Time to put yourself first.
First, please seek legal advice so you know what your rights and responsibilities are. Don't let your husband dictate the terms of the end of your marriage (if it comes to that). That includes not allowing him to dictate custody of your children nor is it your children's place to determine who they live with. It sounds like they've only heard his side of the story, plus they've watched you subordinate yourself to them and their father for 15 years. Many attorneys will grant a free consultation. Write down your legal questions and take them with you. Bring a friend along if it helps to have them take notes.
Second, is there anyone you can talk with outside your family? A clergy member? A counselor? Please find a way to vent your fears and frustrations with someone who can be objective and perhaps guide you in finding professional help. This isn't a do it yourself project.
Third, many times when people suffer from depression they perceive everything as wrong in their lives. Are you sure your husband is taking his medication? How long has he taken it? Sometimes it takes weeks or months for medication to kick in with mental illness, plus, I always recommend counseling for that person while they're taking it. Medication helps ease the physical causes of depression but it doesn't address the day to day business of living. That's what a counselor is for.
You'll need to learn to stand up for yourself now more than ever. It will feel odd to you after so long after putting everyone else first. But, if you don't do it, no one else will.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Thank you for your advice. After going through and reading previous post, I realize what he has been doing to me all of these years. I was being emotionally and mentally abused and didn't truly realize it.
Imno,
I am right there with you. My husband who I've been with for 18 years told me two weeks ago that he is leaving after the holidays.