ex wont stop trying to "help" me

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
ex wont stop trying to "help" me
4
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 9:11am

This is getting kind of strange to me... what do you think?

Ex and I split 8 years ago and he has been remarried for 1.5 years. We live in different states and have no mutual friends anymore. In the past he has been very hostile, verbally abusive, leaves horrible voicemail I'm an f'ing b, an f'ing c, horrible mother and he's suing me for full custody ( I have full custody), he has tried for years to get my 16year old dd to come live him him by relentlessly badmouthing me to her,etc.

In the past, I played into his constant attacks and criticisms trying to defend myself. Then over two years ago, I took a college class on Marriage and the Family and the prof was a marriage therapist and we hit it off. She told me to stop defending myself to him b/c he's just looking for a reaction out of me. So I did over a year ago.

Since then, he has emailed me constantly! Sometimes friendly, sometimes angry, but always him telling me how screwed up I am, how I should go to therapy, how I am holding a grudge towards him and it's not healthy for me, etc. I have not responded to any of them. My attorney advised me to read them, delete them and go on with my day, so I do, but they keep coming. About 4 months ago, he took a new angle and has started to call my cellphone and leaves the same type of message there. Again, I do not respond. I listen, delete and go on with my day.

Now, he has begun to send me these web pages from a religious website he has signed up for that sends him daily words of wisdom. He has begun forwarding some of them to me with notes attached saying he thinks I should read them to "help" me and my problems (he feels I have). He feels by me reading this info, it will "help" me become a better person.

I still ignore him, but at this point, I'm finding it odd that a man is reading information everyday that makes him think of his ex-wife that he divorced 8 years ago and he feels the obligation to "help" me?

How would you handle this? I thought by ignoring him for over a year he would get the hint and go away, but I guess not. I feel if I respond, it will just give him another reason to write back.

What do you think?

FYI, I have blocked him from my personal email account after years of hate mail and made a separate email address just for communicating with him b/c we do have children and exchange info about travel plans, plane itinerary's, medical bills, etc.

PS
How ironic... as I was typing this he called my cellphone!!! Oh brother!




Edited 12/16/2007 9:17 am ET by hbean
Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 9:59am

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 10:42am

You are doing the right thing. Please continue to ignore him, hard as it may be at times.

Bear in mind that we are mirrors to one another. We often project things onto others that we are feeling for and seeing in ourselves. I believe your husband is trying to help himself. This would be a good thing, if only he'd leave you out of it.

Continue to be strong, and good luck. He WILL stop hounding you when it no longer affects you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 11:07am

Hbean,


Some people never let go of their anger...like your Ex. Eight years is a long, long time to be angry. He's in a rut. He's spending all of his energy on trying to get some kind of revenge on you for his anger instead of spending it on his new life. (Makes me wonder what the new wife got herself into. It's not fun to be around an angry person all the time.)


My only additional advice is to NOT read his nasty emails or listen to his nasty messages. Indeed, if its possible, please get yourself a new cell phone number so he can't call you. Or, get a throw away cell phone and give him that number. You don't need to subject yourself to his abuse. Not in any way, shape or form.


Indeed, the reason his attempts to attack you have continued or even gotten worse, is because you haven't responded...he's frustrated. He's not getting any satisfaction from his actions but that doesn't keep him from trying.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2007
Sun, 12-16-2007 - 2:52pm

Stumbled across the site through MSN live...having gone through a nasty emotional divorce I paused to look...and although thankfully not the extended time period, I recognize myself in your complaint about your ex husband. For a year after my divorce, I too sent nasty emails, etc.. So why?


First, it's not