I can relate. My stbx has a job and gets paid so there is income, but ... he has gotten himself into HUGE debt since deciding he wanted out of our marriage and is not a safe driver (fell asleep at the wheel on his way to get my dd the other morning) and while married, rarely lifted a finger except when I "demanded" and then was so unpleasant about it ... well, I could go on and on ... passive agressive, irrational around money and narcissistic (I guess).
He has his life now: huge debt, squalid apt. and who knows who sleeping with him (I am sure an affair took place around the time he wanted out).
Mine does see his children, but I take *care* of our children, iykwim.
So, why am I so sad ... for me, it is mostly about what this does to the kids and how it is changing my life with them. I SO don't want to work full-time. Part-time leaves me drained and distracted and my kids lose out as a result. But, the economic consequences of this divorce require me to work.
I really recommend therapy and also DivorceCare which is a wonderful program sponsored by local churches (check on the web).
I hope both you and I can get past this sadness and regret and move forward into a new and happier life!
Never a fool. No. Just someone who gave of themselves and believed their partner had similar integrity. Seriously, this isn't so much about you as him -- he lack integrity and dedication to his family's well-being.
Now you are taking the next step in taking care of yourself and your family.
Way to go!!!!
DivorceCare would be wonderful, btw. So helpful to have talented people say "me too" and grow past the suffering with you!
You have all my empathy for your pain and loss. Divorce is very hard yet you can survive.
Here's my advice for what it's worth:
First, I really encourage you to seek counseling for yourself. You need help taking care of yourself. I suggest this because while the legal process of divorce has a definite "end date" the ending of a relationship isn't so clean.
Both of you are in denial about your divorce. He simply won't acknowledge it (hence not telling his family, etc.) and you're in mourning.
Second, it's up to you to set boundaries. That means YOU TELL HIS FAMILY YOU'RE DIVORCED. I suggest you write a letter, photocopy it and send it to his parents, siblings, and whomever. That way they all get the "announcement" in the same language. Let HIM deal with the fallout.
Three, YOU need to take action. Gather up your husband's things and get them out of your house. Rent a storage unit for 30 days and tell him where to find his stuff. Take no responsibility for his property thereafter.Change the locks on your house and don't hand out any keys.
Four, revisit your divorce agreement and make an appointment with your lawyer to enforce the terms. If your husband can't buy you out of the business, then see if there's legal recourse for you to take possession of 100% it and all future revenue in return. He shouldn't be having a free ride on your hard work.
Five, while you can't force him to take his visitation (because he's apparently in complete denial your divorced) don't make any special accommodations for him. If you have plans, and its his weekend with the kids, don't wait around for him to pick them up. Keep your plans.
All these years he wouldn't take responsibility for his role in your partnership. You decided you needed to break away from that. Now you need to decide you really have control of your life and do the things that need to be done. Stop going along to get along with this man. Take care of yourself and set the stage for the future.
I can relate. My stbx has a job and gets paid so there is income, but ... he has gotten himself into HUGE debt since deciding he wanted out of our marriage and is not a safe driver (fell asleep at the wheel on his way to get my dd the other morning) and while married, rarely lifted a finger except when I "demanded" and then was so unpleasant about it ... well, I could go on and on ... passive agressive, irrational around money and narcissistic (I guess).
He has his life now: huge debt, squalid apt. and who knows who sleeping with him (I am sure an affair took place around the time he wanted out).
Mine does see his children, but I take *care* of our children, iykwim.
So, why am I so sad ... for me, it is mostly about what this does to the kids and how it is changing my life with them. I SO don't want to work full-time. Part-time leaves me drained and distracted and my kids lose out as a result. But, the economic consequences of this divorce require me to work.
I really recommend therapy and also DivorceCare which is a wonderful program sponsored by local churches (check on the web).
I hope both you and I can get past this sadness and regret and move forward into a new and happier life!
M
Thanks so much for the reply.
Never a fool. No. Just someone who gave of themselves and believed their partner had similar integrity. Seriously, this isn't so much about you as him -- he lack integrity and dedication to his family's well-being.
Now you are taking the next step in taking care of yourself and your family.
Way to go!!!!
DivorceCare would be wonderful, btw. So helpful to have talented people say "me too" and grow past the suffering with you!
M
Hi Delta,
You have all my empathy for your pain and loss. Divorce is very hard yet you can survive.
Here's my advice for what it's worth:
First, I really encourage you to seek counseling for yourself. You need help taking care of yourself. I suggest this because while the legal process of divorce has a definite "end date" the ending of a relationship isn't so clean.
Both of you are in denial about your divorce. He simply won't acknowledge it (hence not telling his family, etc.) and you're in mourning.
Second, it's up to you to set boundaries. That means YOU TELL HIS FAMILY YOU'RE DIVORCED. I suggest you write a letter, photocopy it and send it to his parents, siblings, and whomever. That way they all get the "announcement" in the same language. Let HIM deal with the fallout.
Three, YOU need to take action. Gather up your husband's things and get them out of your house. Rent a storage unit for 30 days and tell him where to find his stuff. Take no responsibility for his property thereafter.Change the locks on your house and don't hand out any keys.
Four, revisit your divorce agreement and make an appointment with your lawyer to enforce the terms. If your husband can't buy you out of the business, then see if there's legal recourse for you to take possession of 100% it and all future revenue in return. He shouldn't be having a free ride on your hard work.
Five, while you can't force him to take his visitation (because he's apparently in complete denial your divorced) don't make any special accommodations for him. If you have plans, and its his weekend with the kids, don't wait around for him to pick them up. Keep your plans.
All these years he wouldn't take responsibility for his role in your partnership. You decided you needed to break away from that. Now you need to decide you really have control of your life and do the things that need to be done. Stop going along to get along with this man. Take care of yourself and set the stage for the future.
Good luck,
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Dear Wisdom,
Thank you so much.