Giving him the gift he really wants
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| Thu, 12-20-2007 - 11:50am |
I am just devastated and cannot seem to stop sobbing. I am in such mourning, and it feels as if it will never pass.
My husband of nearly nine years moved out six weeks ago tomorrow. For the first few weeks, we spent more quality time together than we have in the past two years. He called me daily, inviting me to lunch or dinner or to movies. He said he wanted to get to know me all over again, and that though he did not feel romantic love for me anymore right now, that didn't mean we would not resdiscover it later.
Then things shifted about a week and a half ago. He became angry and started snapping at me. Last night, things came to a head. He expressed his anger that I got what I wanted--that his "great friend" is out of his life--but that he is still in the same position that he was before, not quite married, not quite divorced. He said he wants to be free to live his own life, and that I am not allowing that to happen.
So I am going to go and give him what he wants, what he has wanted since July, when he told me he no longer loves me in "that way." I called the courthouse today and got all the details on filing for a divorce, and if I can stop crying long enough to go and file this week, I will. I am just sickened, because I know the chance that we will ever reconcile will go from 1% to 0 at this point.
The horrible thing is, we are a great team, and there are clearly very deep feelings there. But he simply cannot forgive me for what I have done. When things started falling apart due to horrible stressors in our shared life together, he did not touch me for a year, much less make love to me. I was crushed, and then I made a horrible mistake. Someone came onto the scene who saw me as a vibrant woman, and in one stupid move, I destroyed my life as I know it. I lost everything for nothing. He cannot forgive this. He said if I did it once, I will do it again, and that he'd be a fool to trust me again. So here I am, alone and in seemingly insurmountable pain, all at my own hands. I cannot do anything to make him forgive me. (Trust me, I have tried.)
I do not know how I will have the strength to divorce, and to lead my life without him. What do I do with all this love?
