ex dating-divorced on 12-4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2007
ex dating-divorced on 12-4
5
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 4:07pm

Hi, just need some advice and help, (sorry so much info-lots to cover)


My ex and I had been married 10 years, and have a 4 year old daughter. We have had many times or stress and struggle, he also made comments that he thinks marriage is a bad idea because it makes people not work as hard in the relationship, they let themselves go etc. they

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2007
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 8:39pm

I feel your pain. I want you to know, that you are not alone. My advice? Tell them both to take a hike. There is no reason you should put up with that kind of abuse - and it is abuse. Let me tell you my story - which is similar to yours. I married my husband almost one year ago - his second marriage, my first. We went to Mexico and had a small ceremony. This year, 2 days before Christmas, he left. He's been staying in a hotel contemplating his life. It has come to light that he never really wanted to get married in the first place but he didn't want to hurt me - what the heck does he think he's doing now? It has also come to light that there is another woman involved. She is studying to be a minister! Can you believe it?? He met her at school - he was attending to get a masters degree. So now here I sit - alone. Crying all through Christmas - trying to make sense of my life. How does a person move on??? We've been together 6 years...I can't eat, sleep - nothing.

You should cherish your precious daughter and shield her from him. Even though he is her father, I would make sure he doesn't see her when he's with another woman. That is too confusing for children - even if she knows the woman. Eventually she'll make the connection and start asking questions that you won't know how to answer. Hang in there - join a support group. It is not a good idea to be isolated. Best of luck - my prayers are with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2007
Wed, 12-26-2007 - 11:13pm
Let me start off by sending you and Melanie12007 my condolences in your respective relationship break ups. I am also going through a break up right now (with my fiance) and fortunately no children were involved. Anyway, I really recommend that you take your daughter out of that situation. How you allow yourself to be treated will be the biggest indicator of your child's self esteem and how she allows herself to be treated as a woman. I'm sorry to say it but your ex was using you... for sex, emotions etc during the period of time that seemed as though he was seeking a future relationship with you. Your ex does not want a friendship with you. Is he/Has he treated you like a friend? No. He has been cruel and selfish. Has he stated an interest in keeping a connection with your daughter? I wouldn't be surprised if he truly just wants to be a "free man" with some fake boobed bimbo on his arm (no responsibilities, just lots of fun). Truthfully, if he has no interest in having a relationship with her then I would be thrilled and run with that (I would not want my daughter knowing her father to be such a selfish jerk). If he does want a relationship then you need to do that with compromise and remember that YOU have her best interests in mind (NOT YOUR EX, he does not deserve your concern. He has not been concerned for you or your daughter!). I would not allow sarah to have anymore of a connection with her. I don't care if you deem her family, she is not behaving as family should. Also, one of the most important things to remember is you can no longer live in the same as him or them. That's not healthy for you or your child. You need to start clean else where. As far as dating? Don't you date until YOU are good and ready. Don't date just because THEY tell you to! That's ridiculous. You know when you're ready, don't listen to their messed up judgement. Good luck and please love yourself! You are too good to go through this crap, trust me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 6:28pm

When,


Hi. I'm sorry you're heartbreak is so recent. It's very, very hard to deal with divorce and its aftermath.


That said I have the following advice for you:


1)Stop having sex with your Ex.


2)Stop living in the same house as your Ex.


3)Don't try to be friends with him right now.


4)Don't try to remain friends with Sarah.


You're divorce is very recent so all your emotions are very, very raw. It's obvious you're still hopeful or you wouldn't be sleeping with him. Unfortunately, many men take advantage of that vunerability and use you - yes even your own ex. He's getting off, you think he still feels something.


Friendship is a great goal to strive for in a divorce but its not realistic right away. You've been through litigation on opposing sides. This isn't a fun thing to do. So back off your expectations of being his buddy. That goes hand in hand with finding your own place to live (or him finding his.). It's not emotionally possible to separate yourself from him so you have to have physical distance. Don't try to be friends with Sarah because you're still too emotionally attached to your Ex. You can't be objective about his new relationship.


As for whether you should date? Nope. Not yet! I get the feeling he wants you to date because it would make him feel better. You're an emotional wreck right now. This is NOT the time to start a new relationship.


Distance and time are your friends here. So start doing something about that for yourself and the sooner the better. This process is painful enough when you go through the legal stuff, but living that

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 11:36pm

I recommend revenge and online dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 8:50pm

He does not deserve your