Filing for Divorce in January - long

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Filing for Divorce in January - long
5
Thu, 12-27-2007 - 11:04pm

Hi


I am new to this board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 12:05am

Sorry to hear that you have been through a lot of challenges. Congratulations to not having a drink for 10 months, way to go! and keep up with your AA meetings, don't let them go. When someone suffers from some type of addiction, it really changes the person (they become a whole different person, they can't even see the wrong they are creating/doing, and are in denial until they seek help) - this is all part of people who have addictions and have no control of their behaviors. Your husband needs to try to understand that you had no control of your addiction and he had no reason to bad mouth you, if anything he should have tried to go with you to get help, or he could have researched addiction to see how he could have helped you and understand the behaviors. Sometimes it takes people to hit bottom to finally seek help. Due to your husband bad mouthing you I can imagine hurts a whole lot and that will take time to heal and to face those people again.

You need to do what's best for you, follow your heart. It sounds like you are better off without your husband from what you stated in your post, and unhealthy relationships drag us down. Write a list of the positives and negatives, weigh them out to see what's best for you. One main thing to remember is that if your husband continues drinking and getting drunk, that will be a big challenge for you to deal with because of the temptation. If you want to continue the marriage you can try marriage counseling and you both need to attend AA. AA will help you both, you both need to work on this together, support each other emotional/physically. And if you do end the marriage, you will definately be sad, it's hard to end a marriage with someone who you fell in love with. With continued counseling will help you through the sadness/grieving process. Just follow your heart and what's best for you - focus on yourself right now, don't worry about making him sad because you are going to end the marriage. Not that you are playing games with him because of what he's done to you - if you want out, you want out, that has nothing to do with you playing games with him to make him sad intentionally. You need to be with someone who will support you during your weaknesses, not throw you out; and if you don't have anyone to support you during your weaknesses seek help of AA and one-on-one counseling on a regular basis to help keep you strong, confident, and sober. I wish you well. Keep us posted. Congratulations again on your healthy start - keep up the good work!!!

Anna


Anna

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-28-2007 - 8:41pm

There is always another side.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 1:55am

Hi


I repsect

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 9:56am

HI


Way to go!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
Mon, 12-31-2007 - 6:47pm

I have not read the other replies yet, but just had to jump in.
When I found out my ex was having an EA with a woman at work, I started cutting again, haven't done that since I was 18! In the weeks leading up to that, I had told him I was depressed pretty bad and needed extra support to get through this. Support I never got. Two days after I found out of his EA, he tried to take our girls and run off. He told everyone about my cutting, told the police I was a danger to the girls, that I would hurt them! He said horrible awful things! Things about me, my family and everything he could think of. He and his family... I went to the hospital to get checked out that night since he told the cops of the cutting. I was sent home, absolutely no danger to the kids.
I felt like I was going through the worst of my life, and he (the person supposed to be there for me through "better or worse") ran off, and tried to make it worse for me!
Now he tells everyone we know that I am a danger to the kids, he is in fear for their safety, I am nutts... everything you can think of. AND HE DENIES the affair.

I have daydreamed about being in your shoes, about him telling me he wants to get back with me and he is sorry for what he did... and I have thought about it long and hard. I would suggest couples therapy, for a LONG time. Its worth exploring, but not without having all the dirty little details ironed out. BUT even having said that, I doubt I could ever forgive him. I would never "kick 'em when they're down" like he did to me. If I wanted to leave someone, I would not do it when I saw them suffering so badly. Thats not me. To do that is a HUGE character flaw. BUT BUT BUT maybe he was so hurt and ashamed about your relapse, he wanted to hurt you in return, passive aggressive...

There are so many reasons he may be doing this, you need to sort it out with a couples therapist. Then you will never look back and wonder "what if"

Liz