when does the pain stop

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2007
when does the pain stop
11
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 9:22am
My husband of 5 yrs told me Christmas night that he has never been happy since we've been married and that he was leaving. We have been together for 11 yrs..since high school, thank God we do not have children although just last week he was talking about starting a family, now that I have finished grad school. I can't stop crying, can't eat, sleep...function. I thought we were happy. I have to focus on passing my board exam to start my new career in a week. I know we had our arguments but I thought we talked through them and worked them out...I was soo wrong. He

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 11:38am

Maybe this will help you at least understand but it certainly won't stop the pain you are feeling. I'm sorry for all your pain - I know I have caused the same pain for my husband of 9 years.


Three months ago I told my H that I didn't want to be M anymore. For many, many reasons, but some of the things you listed your H said about you were right up there. Not feeling supported, him yelling all

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 11:56am

Crying,


Glad you found us here at SD. I'm sorry you find yourself facing this situation. It's never fun to be on the receiving end of the words "I'm leaving."


I do recommend you make an appointment with a marriage counselor for yourself. You need objectivity and help coping with what your husband has told you. Indeed, as BTDT points out, your husband probably checked out of the marriage emotionally some time ago. It may indeed be impossible to get him to talk with a counselor, but you need that assistance as the person being left.


I also want to say when a spouse wants out of a marriage they do something called "villianization." In other words, the villianize the other person - you - and say all kinds of terrible things to you and about you. This allows them to be emotionally distant and also makes themselves feel less guilty about leaving. It's easier to leave when you can say nasty things to the other person.


Please find a counselor to help you through this tough period. Also, consult a divorce attorney about your rights and obligations. That doesn't mean you file any papers, just get information.


This process isn't quick and you'll need to give yourself a lot of care and attention while you're going through it.


Let us know how you're doing.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 6:41pm

My STBX said the same things to me when he left. And we have 2 kids together and I have 2 that he has raised like his own for over 6 years. He said he never loved me, only stayed for the kids (even before we had any together) and all that jazz, and I agree with Wisdomtooth, that he has made you the villain, that way its easier to leave. He has been digging for reasons, and has warped reality in his head to make it look like he was a "poor victim" Its pretty common.
It does not make it hurt less. I know, I am still only 2 months into this, from the day my STBX tried to take our girls and run off. His family is all up in arms on his side, so I cant imagine what he has told them.
It takes a pretty sad and sick kind of person not to tell their spouse how they are feeling and basically just biding time till its time to go.

*huggs* I am very sorry to hear. I wish no one had to feel how I feel...

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2007
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 8:04pm

If I did not know better, I would think I wrote this post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2007
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 9:16pm
I can relate to you. I found out that my wife of 21 yrs. was with another man on Chritmas Eve while our 3 kids and I were at home waiting for her. I confronted her and she told me she wanted no part of me anymore. We've had our share of disagreements and cold shoulder treatments throughout the years, but this night knocked the wind out
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2007
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 10:03pm
I have been divorced now for 6 months and still don't have the answer when the pain stops.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2007
Sat, 12-29-2007 - 10:30pm
Hi, I am going through something similar, my husband of 15 years decided to dump me via voicemail, he rented a place 3 days before Christmas and told me he was leaving 2 days after Christmas, says life is too short, not sure if he loves me and wants a trial seperation so he can figure things out. Says he has been feeling this for a long time and there is nothing I can do to change his mind, I am literly sick to my stomach I haven't eaten in 2 days and it feels as though someone is sitting on my chest and its difficult to breathe, I am so confused, we are still having sex and he still wants to spend New Years with me yet he is moving out on Jan 2nd, part of me wants him to go now as I can't deal with the fact he is leaving and wonder if he should just go, but part of me is scared to see him go. I don't have a clue what to do, he says he needs time to think and if he realizes he wants home he will come home, is this a midlife crisis? what do I do? let him go and see what happens? I know how you feel, I am so scared right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2007
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 12:12am

the pain doesn't stop, but luckily, memories fade and we all wake up and get to have another day to laugh, breathe, and bask in the things that we can find that we do love.

just take it day by day, that is the best advice anyone ever gave me when i left 2 months ago.








life isn't always by the book....


http://life-by-the-book.blogspot.com



life isn't always by the book....
http://life-by-the-book.blogspot.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Wed, 01-02-2008 - 6:46pm

I'm right there with you, only it's 6 months and 2 days later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 01-04-2008 - 3:47pm

If I didn't know better I would think you are me.

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