Am I alone?? I'm scared, lonely, ....
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| Sun, 01-06-2008 - 10:01pm |
I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for almost 4 of them. This year has been very difficult for me. This past year he has told me that since our marriage (and before) he has kissed a few people (and not 'hello kisses'), he has also been having an affair, she gave birth to their son Dec. 1st (I think, or the 2nd maybe). We also have a child together (he's 5). He has also told me he doesn't love me anymore (has stopped saying it for about 4 months now) and we have virtually no physical contact, not even a hug. We are more roommates than a couple of any kind.
I kinda feel stupid but if he was willing to attend counseling with me I would want to stick around and try to work things out. Problem is he absolutely refuses counseling. He has some personal issues he really needs to work on and is afraid to. The other problem with our marriage/relationship is he has not matured at all. I don't expect him to 'change' just mature like everyone else does. He acts like a child. He has told me that he doesn't need a wife he needs a 'mother figure', he needs someone to take care of him. He doesn't want someone to share things with, or talk to, or anything. He is very selfish. I truly believe that it would also be in our sons best interest if he didn't have any contact with him. He is a horrible example, besides the cheating and lying. He teaches him to cuss, calls me names in front of him, doesn't correct him when he then calls me those same names he just heard his dad say, he sleeps and plays video games when he isn't working. It's really torture to hear our son say 'why doesn't daddy want to play with me', 'why does daddy sleep all day', 'where is daddy, when is he coming home?' He isn't even a father to him, he is a friend, at best. He doesn't want to play with him unless its the computer game he (husband) already plays. I few weeks ago we had a huge arguement by the car where he proceeded to tell our son what I horrible person I am and told me to get upstairs so he can beat me half to death. Granted he was upset and wouldn't actually hit me b/c I have made it very clear I would call the cops and have a restraining order on him in a heartbeat, but it's still the point. I know some of this stuff may sound petty but if you were here you would understand. I also know he would never go for custody of any kind for our son b/c he would cost too much (he's very cheap) and would be too much of hassle. I'm certain of all that!
I plan on getting a job when our son starts school next fall. I can't know b/c when I was working my husband would sleep most of the day while our son pretty much took care of himself. Needless to say, I'm done with that! I was working from 8-3 and when I got home would find out daddy didn't wake up until noon or 1! I even got a call from our son one day asking me how to open to the jelly b/c it's lunch time and he's hungry and daddy won't open it b/c he's sleeping!!! Anyways I plan on getting a job while our son is at school and putting away enough money so after our son is done with Kindergarten we (my son and I) can move and get our own place.
I'm currently suffering from depression. I started taking Lexapro which has helped, I no longer cry everyday and don't want to get out of bed. Some days are still really tough, but it helps. I'm scared about when the time comes to actually leave though. I know my husband would never actually ask for a divorce because he's too lazy and seeing as I currently take care of him he pretty much has it made. I'm frustrated that after all this I'm going to have to be the one who really ends it. I shouldn't have to! I don't really want to! I know it's whats best for me and my son and I'm trying to keep that in mind, but it still sucks. I'm hoping through out this year, through therapy mainly, I can gain the self-confidence and everything else I will need to do this.
Thanks for letting me vent a little. I just need to know also that I'm not alone and behind everyone else's closed doors they aren't all cuddling on the couch watching a movie, although I do hope that's true, it sucks going through this! Sorry it's so long also, it just kinda happened!

Hey... no, you are not alone.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hi Tammy,
No you are definately not alone. We all have different situations but the truth is its hard to leave a relationship you've invested time into no matter how obvious it is that its the right thing to do. The only way I managed was to do just what you are starting to do. Plan. Make plans and follow them. Also, start trying to get your support group together. Even if you only have one friend, make sure you invest time with them because you are going to need all the help you can get. If you have to start doing things to make new friends. Your husband may not like it but you have to remember what you ultimately want. A better life for yourself and your son.
The fact is I don't think I could have left if it weren't for the people I enlisted to help me through, in particular my Mom, a friend who lived in town and my therapist. I'd tell them what I planned to do and they kept me accountable. On the day I'd planned to tell my husband I was leaving I wanted nothing more then to not do it. We'd actually had a good week, but I'd already rented a place and told my friend I'd be over at her house that night so I had to do it. It was the right thing, but it wasn't easy, and it wasn't what I wanted to do it. I've had to plan every step in order to get free, its the only thing that allowed me to do what I truly thought was for the best in spite of myself.
Good luck with everything. I do think getting a job will help empower you immensely.