I want to let go, but I can't
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| Sat, 01-19-2008 - 7:34pm |
I'm the Anna who posted just a joyfulsoul. I have a new name because at some point soon I want to be a Mommy too.
I'm in a pickle. A little history about me and my STBX. I was very young (23) when I married X. He was 34 1/2 years older than me. At the time I did not think marriage could last forever due to the fact that I had spent my youth in the middle of my parents ugly divorce. But, I wanted desperately to be married and so when my X asked I said yes, knowing it would not last forever. Well, it didn't...we married in April of 02 and split in April of 04. At there time I married him I was VERY thin. During the course of our marriage I developed an eating disorder. In 03 it got really bad and I lost 30lbs and almost died. (I was five feet eleven inches tall and 84 lbs.) So, I went into the hospital my X was not supportive of me in the hospital. While there I gained 35lbs. When I got out I thought I was fat. My X likes skinny people and told me I was fat too. This was deep emotional abuse!!!! He made me feel miserable. So, after quitting eating when I'm around him and hating his controlling ways I left him in April 04. We briefly got back together around Thanksgiving. I left him gain and since then we have been though.
Fast forward to now...I'm with someone who I love. We are talking about moving in together in April, getting married in Dec 09, and having a baby in July. So I'm in love a seriously with some else, but I still can't get over my ex. I'm caught up in the hurt EX cased me. Something stops me from going through with the devocice. I just can't. It's like I trapped in the pain and hurt causes by my ex and I just can't get out. Something about the dream of being married to ex is stopping me from ending it and moving on. It's like I can't break this dream up with the reality that it is over. I can't get over or let go of the abuse ex cased. So, as much as I want to I can't move on. And it sucks!!! I'm hurting DF and stopping myself from living only in the present where I would like to be. Yet, it feels like to let go of the pain is to let go of my dreams and my husband's love. And I just can't do it!
Wondering if others have had a hard time letting go, and how the finally did it. Also, how did you get over the broken dreams that happen with divorce and move on with your new life?
Peace and Love,
Anna

It's not about wanting to let go, its about wanting to be happy. I was finally able to let go of the dream when I finally realized that I deserved to be happy, when I accepted that suffering wasn't going to earn me any happiness, Happiness is always there for the taking, just let yourself have it. I can tell you from experience that getting what you want doesn't guarantee that you will be happy, if you held out and your X finally gave you what you wanted - in this case it sounds like acceptance - you'd realize that it wouldn't help, you have to give yourself that. Besides, he needs to control you, if he accepted you he wouldn't be able to do that, so he doesn't dare. Accept yourself as being just fine the way you are, accept that its okay to be happy, that not getting what you need from others has nothing to do with what you do or do not deserve and everything to do with what they are or are not capable of, it has nothing to do with you and its unfair to both you and them to put that on them.
To let go you need to put all of your energy into what you really really deserve, and give none to what you don't. Everytime you find yourself thinking about your X or what you lost, you need to refocus on what you would really like. It sounds like you've made a good start by changing your display name. Keep doing that, and it will eventually come. Someone once told me there is no such thing as Karma, it's always your decision to stay embroiled.
Also, I really need to say that you are dealing with some serious emotional issues, don't feel you have to fight them all on your own. If you don't have a counsler to help you figure this stuff out, then find someone. It really helps to have someone good on your team to help you sort through these things. I know its helped me figure a lot out.
Keep working towards it, you'll get there...