i want out...he won't let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2008
i want out...he won't let go
5
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 6:28pm

i'm new to these boards and i am just looking for some support and maybe a little advice. here is the background...i have been married 3 years. six months into the marriage my husband told me that he didn't love me and prob never did. needless to say, being a newlywed, i was a wreck. at that point i was doing anything i could to keep things together to no avail and we went

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 05-18-2008 - 8:53pm

Hi Sox,


Your husband is a manipulator. He figures if he can't get you to come back by begging; he'll threaten worse and guilt you into "saving" him (again). Don't take the ticket for the guilt trip. He'll survive; he'll have to decide what it is he wants without you.


Like most manipulators your husband got exactly what he feared most. (Make sense?) In other words, he pushed you away, pushed for behaviors you weren't comfortable with (manipulation in another form), and tried to hold all the power in the relationship. That worked as long as you "went along to get along." Somewhere along the way most healthy people say "enough" just as you have and they want off the merry-go-round. That's when the manipulator's worst "fear" becomes reality. Except YOU don't have anything to do with that. You're just finally taking care of yourself first.


He stayed in the marriage only as a safety catch, i.e. he had a ready sex partner and warm body to come home to. As soon as you put boundaries in place by saying no to the swinging, he did what most manipulators do: withdrew which he figured would bring you back around.


My advice is twofold. Consult with an attorney to learn your rights and responsibilities in the event of divorce. Gather up all your financial information: bills, loans, mortgages, insurance policies, investments, paystubs, 1040 forms. Make sure you have your own SSN card and your birth certificate. Only a qualified divorce attorney can tell you what your rights are in the event of a divorce.


Second, get yourself some counseling. I see many codependent behaviors in your post. The one thing that's the most difficult for anyone to learn is this: YOU are not responsible for anyone's else happiness. Your husband will now have to live with the consequences of his actions; you must learn to make good choices for yourself and stop feeling responsible for him and his choices.


I highly recommend the following books:


"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie


"Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend


"Rebuilding: When your relationship ends" by Bruce Fisher.


Good luck and let us know how you're doing.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020


Some commonly misspelled words on this board:


You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 11:26am
Get an atty ASAP and file for divorce as soon as possible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 3:22pm
Oh my gosh.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 6:05pm

My ex did that "i don't love you and i'm not sure

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 05-19-2008 - 6:24pm

You do not need to "ask" him for a divorce. You get yourself an attorney and you file. Period.


Your husband sounds mentally unbalanced. A restraining order may help, or it may make it worse. You need to talk to an abused women's center about abuse and how to best protect yourself. Are you alone in your current city? Do people know where you are all the time, and are you alone a lot? Men who are prone to abuse (your husband has many of these traits) may be inflamed by restraining orders, and women have been killed after they've filed for a restraining order. Be smart, and protect yourself.


Your husband is manipulative at the very least, and quite possibly dangerous. Be very, very careful, and get yourself some legal representation. You cannot be rid of him until you file and get the process going. You are absolutely right to feel used. At some point, you will need to figure out why you have tolerated this for so long, and how you've contributed to the situation.


Best of luck, and please be very careful.

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Cat

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7