OW's Children.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
OW's Children.....
12
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 6:00am
Hello, Im looking for some advice on how to handle a certain situation, Ive posted many times before , my original post was a few months back in BSS, Husband in Love with Another. I received alot of replies and help and I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 1:07pm

Do you know how to say, or spell - self-centered. Your ex is moving on, has a relationship, and is fulfilling then needs of a small child. Is it his relationship with the child or the OW that really bothers you. Your ex is living with OW who has a 4 year old daughter. It is natural for her to feel that a man living with her mom is her dad, or technically a "step-dad". Why in the hell do you need to mess with a 4 year olds perception? Your kids correction of her calling him dad is simply mean and cruel, where did they get this from?

My ex-wife is married, and has a new baby with her new husband a little after a year from our divorce. My three kids call her their sister, even though technically she is their half-sister. I would never correct them, as it serves no purpose except to make me look like a total idiot. I asked my kids how they refer to their new dad, or technically "step-dad' They call him by his first name, but they are teen-agers. They told me that I am their father, and that the divorce did not change my role. Maybe this little girl needs a father, and it makes her feel happy and that her family is whole again. I think your ex's ability to move on, and establish a new relationship bothers you more than you think. You need to let go and move on. Try to figure out why you need to hurt a four year old to make you feel better.

Magic

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 4:31pm

I agree that a mother should not be encouraging a 4 year old to call a new boyfriend "dad", heck, she should not even being exposing her to him since she hasn't known him long AND HE's MARRIED to someone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 7:49pm
Hey magic, I was looking for advice
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 8:10pm

You asked for advice and I gave it. You called him STBX which means you do not see a future together. Why does it bother you what a 4 year old calls him. In reading many of these postings I see people looking for advice, support, as long as it gives the poster the support of their side. Was your STBX a good husband and father to your kids, and if so, he has the potential to help out a child, only 4 years old. If it makes the little girl feel better to call him daddy, why does it bother you?

Try holding a small child again, say 3 or 4 years old. They are all loving, trusting, and wanting to feel safe and secure. I am sorry he left you, but trust me, it is much better to move on and let him go than be bitter at his new situation over yours. It took me almost a year to move on, and now that I have, life is so much better. I have seen my ex-wife's new baby, and it is so cute. My kids love her, play with her, feed her. When my kids refer to her as their sister, I would never correct them with half-sister. BTW - Daddy can be term used to describe a dominant figure in a parental role. This sounds like exactly what he is doing.

Magic

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 10:32pm
If you had read my post correctly I never referred to him as my STBX...we havent discussed that yet.......
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 10:51pm
Marylee, I think few people would share Magic's views.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 11:06pm

OK, how do you refer to your DH? Since he is living with OW, and brings the OW and her daughter to an outing with your two children, it does not appear to be temporary. Time and time again I see posting of people clinging to a relationship that no longer exists. You need support, but in reality you need to face reality, and deal with the issue. You have hope that the relationship between the you of you is not over, hence no discussion. She moved out and into her BF's house, leaving me with three kids, 12, 10, 9. Before she moved out I decided if she left it was forever, and I stuck to it. I went that way with my ex for 5 ~ 6 months, before she served me.

I see your issue with the 4 year old calling him daddy as a "wake-up" call that it is over, and you refuse to accept it. Don't blame it on a little girl who may have been told by her mom and new "dad" what to call him. Obviously he has no objection, and as I said, dad can refer to a parental role, biological or not. You have not addressed this issue in your postings, why does it bother you?

Magic

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2003
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 11:23pm
Yes I have an issue with it because we are not Divorced!! And that relationship isnt going to work in the long run, why lead this kid on??
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2008
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 11:30pm

As far as I see it, their relationship is over and Marylee refuses to accept it. During my divorce I took a friends advice, and focused on the children, and what they wanted. I never used the kids to fight, I asked them what they wanted, and had them tell the ex the same. It kept us much more civil. The kids dictated the custody, which is just about 50/50. The kids are free to see the other parent during visiting time, with just a courtesy notice. It happens frequently as things come up. All of them are teenagers and trying to tell them what to do, when they can see mom or dad is just plain stupid.

I think a lot more is going on between Marylee and her H then she is telling us. What caused the separation, how did the move-out happen, was it amiable, heated... If the H is comfortable combining OW, her daughter, and his two kids, then this new relationship sounds serious.

As for being mature and moral, her kids telling a 4 year old not to call a man daddy, that is something they should discuss with their dad, in private, and respect his decision. Rubbing it in to a four year-old is more damaging than letting her call him. It is clearly what the name implies, that the dad has a new relationship with a woman other than their mother that bothers them. If they do not want to hear her call him that, then do not spend time with his new family.

My ex G/F asked me why I waited to get served, and why I did not serve her first. It was just easier to go on living a lie than it was to take the first step. This sounds like the situation Marylee is in. Each party is just waiting for the other to file to get moving.

Why ignore my views, or tell others to. No one ever gets anywhere when surrounded by yes women. The longer she keeps clinging to a relationship that is obviously no longer there, the longer she will be in denial, and the harder it will be to move on.

Magic

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-27-2008 - 10:31am

Magic,


I think you are missing the point--the OW has a history of love 'em & leave 'em when it comes to men.

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