When Closuer seems so far away

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
When Closuer seems so far away
5
Tue, 05-27-2008 - 4:31pm

My husband left me when I was 6 1/2 months pregnant, I had the baby by myself. Those months were very hard on me. I called him when the baby was born, he came to the hospital, though he didn't show up the day I went home, my best friend came and got me and my beautiful son.


After about a week of tension, we talked and we both agreed to try and give our marriage another chance, more so for the baby at least on my part, but I still loved him though the trust had been broken. After about a month, of us basically living together again, with our little one, everything was fine (he still had his place). He stated he was going to start going home, I said ok.


We agreed when I was pregnant that he would watch the baby instead of putting the baby in daycare( he's medically retired from the army). Then told me that Sunday night he was leaving, which was fine. But then he stated he wanted to take and watch the baby at his place (he's renting a room in someone's house). I told him I wasn't comfortable with that since I didn't know where he lived, except for the name of the town (in another state). And he didn't have anything at his place for the baby (crib, swing, bouncy). I told him that he could watch the baby at my place, he said he didn't have the money to drive back and forth everyday. So I called daycare (previously arranged during my pregnancy since I didn't know if he was going to be around) and I got him in the next day.


I sat down and wrote out an proposal to him, stating he could watch him at his place, pick him up and drop him off at work (half way between our places). And have him 2 nights a during the week since the weekends are my only two full days to spend with him. I outlined Holidays and child support and insurance. He refused to discuss, just kept threatening me to go to court. Told me if he watched him I would have to pay him, also threatened Alimony of sorts, kept saying I was financially responsible for him. He quit supporting me back in December and hasn't been financially responsible for his son at all except a case of diaper and wipes.


Since that conversation the attempt at reconciling is over and he has only come to see his son 3 times as of today, one being his 2 month doctors appointment. Last week he served me with custody papers, seeking sole custody. I have stopped taking his calls and asked that all communication go via email. He used the money issue initially and now he says its because we argue, I stopped speaking to him so he cant use that excuse.


He states he wants to see him everyday so I have told him, were home by 5:30 everyday Monday through Friday and I have started bedtime at pm. I also told him via email to notify me on Thursday what times and days he wants for the weekend so I can plan accordingly.


Since the emails, He came on Friday showed up 6:10 and left at 8:10 pm, wanted to discuss Monday since it was a holiday and I told him to email with the times he wanted to come, he failed to send me an email, then on Monday morning at 10 am he sent a email saying he wasn't coming.


I want to ensure that I do everything possible to give him the most time with him, so he cant use it as basis for sole custody. Our court date isn't till August, its going to be a long aggravating summer. Is there anything I can do to help secure my position to keep and or obtain Sole Legal Custody?


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Tue, 05-27-2008 - 8:49pm

Sole Custody is hard by either parent unless there are good reasons such as gross neglect, abuse or "proven" drug/alcohol abuse.


Unless he has any such evidence on you I don't think you need to worry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2008
Tue, 05-27-2008 - 10:41pm

you better get your butt down to whereever your child family services is and file for child support from him, determine paternity and establish custody. at this point, my dear, you are your child's only real parent....we can cry a tear from here to eternity about a guy falling for his baby...but who is there for that person? you....your child will not be less of a person without that guy as a dad...so dont try to over compensate....ever!


but you need to establish custody right now. who provides the health ins, child care, etc...if you have to go on assistance, do it...


you are

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 6:49pm

I'm in VA, if were married he automatically goes on the birth certificate, its up to him to dispute paternity if he feels he is not the father. But he served me with court papers, seeking sole custody, so clearly he's not disputing that. I already filled child support papers. Health insurance is covered via him already pre-paid for the year, he was in the army retired 60% so he is service connected so we keep the "wonderful" health insurance.


I make too much money to qualify for anything, but after bills and daycare and making sure my son has everyting he needs, there isnt a whole lot of money left over to spend for a lawyer. I asked my brother for help, he's looking into his finances and seeing what he can do.


My best friend says hes only doing this to hurt me, it has nothing to do with our son, but he's using our son like he was some dogs pull toy and that is not appropriate and it makes me so angry all i can do is cry. I know I will not loose my son, but I just dont know what to do to make sure I do everything right, give him nothing to go into court with.


I've limited contact with me to email and I dont speak to him the two times hes come to se his son. Should I let him take him out of the house for his visits? I'm hesitant because i dont know if he would return him, and i also dont want him to keep him overnight (he's never spent a night away from me). Also dont want to do that now, in casee he tries to use that in court, but at the same time i dont want him to use the fact i refuse to let him take his son outside my house either, i dont know what to do!!!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2008
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 7:36pm

You are going to have to trust your gut about letting the baby go....does dad have any other support/family to help him with baby?? I work at a Vets hospital...take into consideration what kind of service connected disability he has....hope its not PTSD....but that could help you too..


I just think if you have a fear you have to listen to it...you are going to have to pull on your big girl panties and realize that you are going to have to do this period...you arent the first and you wont be the last...have faith in yourself and God...


Even if you make more than what you think could get you help, there is other stuff out there that helps all single parents....all kinds of grants, "scholarships for day care" etc...check with your job as to what there is to help you...This too shall pass...If God brought you to it, He will bring you thru it....let me tell you...I had to chant some of that stuff in my head...so many times!!


You do what you gotta do, but you are somebody's mom now...that is your job...


And stop crying...you have been blessed with a chance at making a difference in the world with YOUR child!! Put your combat boots on, stomp the floor, do a tai-bo tape, get something pierced or tattooed....You are stronger than this and your child is counting on you to be that strong...Honey, you are a woman and you are a mother!! Trust yourself!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 05-29-2008 - 9:05am

No were both in this area alone, my family is on the West Coast and his family is in PR. So were both on neutral ground there.