kids and divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
kids and divorce
12
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 11:45am

hi all


I don't post here much, but I wanted to toss something out to see if I can get some advice or send me to another board.

what

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 1:27pm

Isn't it always the people who have no kids who are the experts on how you should be raising them?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 1:32pm

Maybe this is an opportunity for you to accept your upbringing that wasn't perfect & not hold someone else's who's "seemed" to be so against them. And there's also something said for not making excuses for yourself or your kids. Either you've accepted yourself, your points of views & your kids for who & what it is or you haven't. If you are okay w/these things - then usually the other person will fall in line w/that.


All relationships will show your similarities & your differences - it's just a matter of how or if you can work through them in a healthy way.


Laurel

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 1:58pm

laurel


thanks for your reply.

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 2:26pm

music


I remember when I was in my early 20s with no kids

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 3:01pm

your welcome -


and yes - acceptance is a huge piece of the pie for all of us - we don't realize how any resistance or anger concerning anything from our pasts etc. can hold us back or create friction in our lives - and relationships are our mirrors - so instead of pointing the finger, we should actually thank the person for creating the opportunity for us to heal & grow - in the end - it's really all about us.


:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 3:24pm

My DH would occasionally say "my father would have done X" which is funny considering his father abused him and DH hated his father.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 4:11pm

music


thanks i am not sure, so your advice has confirmed that i am not losing it, being insecure, or paranoid.

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 8:45pm
Like my friend once told me, which I just love because it's so true
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2008
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 10:34pm
Just went to file for my d today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Thu, 05-29-2008 - 12:31am

whatabadidea, I sympathize with what you're going through. I have two kids, 7 and 13, and seeing someone 12 years younger who has no children nor has ever been married. My son (the 13 year-old) has definitely grown up a bit too coddled. I admit this. I was too protective, and in doing so, have probably hindered his ability for taking risks, and for being able to comfort himself, etc.

At first when the bf would tell me I was being too coddling of my kids and needed to let go I would get defensive. I think it's a natural reaction. But what I soon realized was that although I was not about to go to the hands-off extreme he preferred, what he was saying had merit and it helped me to let go and allow both my kids more freedom. He was genuinely telling me what he thought to help me and them, and was able to see that I was trying to let go and respected what I was willing and not willing to do.

I'm unsure how your conversation went exactly, but did you tell him how what he said made you feel? Maybe he doesn't realize he came off as judgmental.

I think you need to sit down with him and talk it over, explaining to him how sensitive you feel about the issue of your children. But try not to be defensive. If you put up the wall that he is indeed criticizing you, then nothing will get accomplished. And if you discover he is being judgmental of you and doesn't respect you as a parent, then better you find out now and end it rather than go on, getting more and more hurt and frustrated as time goes by.

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