letting go
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letting go
| Thu, 05-29-2008 - 12:54pm |
Let's see....I've been divorced now for 11 years, and our children were only 2 1/2 and just over a year old when we split.
| Thu, 05-29-2008 - 12:54pm |
Let's see....I've been divorced now for 11 years, and our children were only 2 1/2 and just over a year old when we split.
I don't know if I can tell you anything from the perspective of another mother, but maybe from the kids' perspective could be helpful.
The kids GET it. I know it has to make you crazy that he shows up out of nowhere, and it's all smiles and fun, but believe me when I say you are the parent that makes the kids feel secure. You are the one they will remember as sacrificing and struggling to make sure they were cared for as they grew up.
My own father pretty much abandoned my mother, sister, and I when I was a kid, and although he would show up now and then and buy us things and take us places, it was our mother we had undying respect for when we grew up enough to understand. My mother never said bad things about our father. She let us sort it out for ourselves, or would answer our specific questions, but she never bad-mouthed him.
Allow him to see the kids. Let them build whatever relationship they can with him. He very likely hasn't changed much, but allow them to be disappointed and hurt because of his actions, and not because you were justifiably angry and tried sabotage. Just be there for them when he begins acting selfishly and never amounts to the father they want him to be.
I'm 38 years old and it took me a long time to figure out my dad was never going to behave like a father, but I am glad my mother let me see him when I could, and tried her best to be sure we could have a relationship with him. The failure of it happening is his fault, not hers.