Visitation while separated
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| Fri, 06-13-2008 - 11:51am |
We decided last night to separate. We have three kids, one of whom is under one and is exclusively breastfeeding. He emailed me this morning to say that he wants me to move out for the next few weekends while he stays with the kids. He said he will stay with his parents 1.5 hours away during the week (this is very close to his work). I emailed him back and said that this might work for this week and next (the kids are out of school, so I would be able to spend 24/7 with them during the week) but that it presents an issue as far as the baby nursing, and that it would not work in the future. I also told him that a traditional shared custody arrangement would give him every other weekend and one weeknight a week. He told me such an arrangement would be unfair to him.
I will be going to my oldest son's little league game and party (that I arranged) tomorrow. He said we will work something out with the baby. However, I am very concerned that if I leave this weekend I open myself up to him either taking the kids or screwing myself out of the house. I am waiting on a recommendation about an attorney and am hoping for a phone consult as I cannot bear to leave the kids for the day (assuming I can even find someone to take care of them).
I don't want to make things unnecessarily adversarial at this point, but I also don't want to be blindsided. Thoughts? Any suggestions on how to keep a middle road?

The other alternatives I see are 1) he just comes & visits w/ them during the day out of the house or 2) takes them to his parents' house overnight.
I want the kids to see their dad as much as is healthy for them. I'm all for facilitating visitation between them. He is a good dad to them...thank God for therapy the past year. It was dicey before that. I am concerned that he will get some bad advice and try to take them. I don't know if that's me being paranoid or what, but I am concerned about my whole world disappearing in a matter of seconds. I do believe he is mad at me for wanting to leave the marriage and might be vindictive, but I also believe (also due to him telling me) that he knows I am an excellent mother to our children. I also know he believes I am the better parent, as he has told me. I am slightly concerned about them being at his parents' house with him since they have financial resources, are vindictive as evidenced by their relationships with other family members and are slightly shady (not to be sensational, but they have ties with illegal activity). I'm just concerned the morals may not all be there.
I know in the future we will be able to work out something fair as far as visitation, I'm just afraid of what can happen before everything is in writing.
I wouldn't leave the marital home. I also wouldn't let him have every weekend.
I ended up taking the baby with me to my mom's place last night. Tonight he is taking the two older ones to a friend's house about 2 hours away and will come back early tomorrow, spend the day with the kids for Father's Day and then leave them here and head back to his parents'. Right now they all just went to the pool and I am staying home. I would have gone with them, but my husband would interpret that as us "getting back together." I hope one day he will understand that our being in the same room is for the benefit of the kids. I have to keep reminding myself this may never happen.
Tonight, I am staying here alone with the baby. I miss the boys so much already. It is so odd to me that I miss my kids, but not my husband. This is going to be a long, tough road ahead. In the future, I will not leave the house so that my husband can stay here with the kids. The baby does not sleep well outside of her crib, and with all the stuff that a 6-month-old requires, it is really ridiculous for me to go somewhere else with her for more than an hour or two. So, I will not be leaving the marital home in the future. Next weekend, he can take the boys to his parents' house. I actually get the feeling he will want his parents' help next weekend anyway. Our middle son is very active--has a personality like mine, too--that my husband cannot handle or tolerate for too long. He was yelling at him already this morning when I came home to go to our oldest son's baseball game. Ugh. Last night, we went to dinner and I sat back, I really want him to get a taste of what having all three kids will be like, and he basically ignored them. They were out of their seats, running around, no discipline whatsoever. Just the occasional "WHAT are you doing?" or yell. Ugh. I really hope it doesn't come to the point of bad parenting with him.