drowning slowly

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
drowning slowly
3
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 9:30am

I'm sorry this is long, I've never done this b4.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 2:50pm

The best advice I could offer you is go to a counsellor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 3:20pm

I agree... find a counselor, or at least talk to your doctor to se if you can get some short term help (meds, perhaps) that will help to regain some balance....


Next... you are shouldering WAY too much blame for the issues in the relationship.... for example, obviously he knew that managing the money wasn't something you were good at... he COULD HAVE BEEN more involved to help do that as a team.


Next.... you can't WORK on a relationship when you're having one with someone else.... he's USING YOU... eating the cake and frosting too... by stringing you along telling you that, oh yeah, I'm talking to another woman, but YOU always have been and always will be my best friend.... Best friends don't treat each other this way :-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 3:23pm

Desperate,


Hi. Take Musiclover's advice and get to a doctor for a physical and see a therapist or counselor for your mental health. You'll be in a better position to cope if you get some help. No shame in getting it. Do it today.


My other observation is you're still "people pleasing" because you're waiting on your husband to make a decision. Well, he's not going to make a decision. He's got the best of both worlds: he's still married AND he has a GF. Doesn't matter if he says he doesn't like her or his situation. He's playing both of you for fools. So stop being his fool.


YOU need to make a decision and act. Stay or go you need to set the agenda. That starts with getting yourself some help so you can get through the days better and take care of your kids. Secondly, you need to set a timetable for yourself. Give him a deadline: i.e. "You need to either come home or not by XXX." Then stick to it. Whether that means YOU file for divorce or formal separation (so things are set on paper regarding child support, visitation, bills, etc.).


You also need to take care of yourself regarding your job, living arrangements, etc. Do your homework on whether you can stay in your house or need to move. It's scary, but so much easier than not doing anything.


I also highly recommend you get on a budget and start teaching yourself how to manage money. Alot of things are in control. Cancel your debit cards, put away your checks and do everything in cash. No money in your wallet - no purchase. Got it? Also, gather your bills and add them up. What exactly do you need to live on every month? Can you go to work full-time? Etc.


Consult an attorney so you know your rights and responsibilities in the event of a divorce. This situation can't continue as is (or only as long as you allow it to) and you need to make decisions about your own life.


Start acting and you'll feel less trapped and less at the mercy of a guy who can't make up his mind.


Good luck.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020


Some commonly misspelled words on this board:


You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?

CL-Wisdomtooth2020