Need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
Need advice
7
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 4:20pm
Hello,

I am new. My story is long, but I will try and condense.

About two years ago my husband and I moved cross country for his job. We had a new house and baby. The opportunity was a great one for him. I quit my job to be a stay at home mom. The move was good, but had some stresses. We could not sell our old house, hastily bought a new one, and I was adjusting to not working, leaving family and friends. All pressures fell on my husband's shoulders and we were all alone.

We've always had a great, strong relationship. He came from broken home. Parents unreliable, with both essentially abandoning him as a child. He was a delinquent teenager, had to deal with an evil stepmom, etc. I thought he had risen above these issues.

With the added stresses we would fight more than usual. One resulted in my husband saying sometimes he can't handle the marriage and felt he did not always love me the same. He was afraid our marriage would only get worse.

I tried to make things better for him, but he began to regress. He started putting up walls, becoming introverted, hanging out more with friends and drinking.

We tried counseling. He was committed to making things work. He always expressed he didn't know why he was doing what he was doing. He was constantly confused. We established there was/is no one else and I believe all that would have come out in the wash.

After a couple months, I concluded he may be suffering from depression. After three good counseling sessions and one bad weekend, he said he was done with the marriage. He had become unreliable, selfish and increased drinking. He was hanging out with much younger coworkers and ditching his family responsibilities.

Unfortunately, I could not fathom being alone. We agreed to work on ourselves and decided I would need to move back home with our daughter. He said he needed to try and "get better." He agrees he does not want to be rash with his feelings and began individual therapy. I have asked many times in anger, etc. if he does want a divorce now, and he says he wants to go to therapy and see what happens.

So now we are six weeks into our separation. My daughter and I are back west. He is tortured with being lonely, but continues to go out and drink. I trust him when he says he is faithful and not in that frame of mind. He says his feelings haven't changed, but he is enjoying therapy and it does seem that he is coming to some realizations. He says he sees a light at the end of the tunnel but doesn't know what it means.

On top of this, my company offered me my old job back and due to an uncertain future I took it. He agrees he needs to move back. His job may accommodate a closer transfer, but not in the same city. I guess it is the best we can do for now. He says if we get back together we will make it all work.

As you can see, this is a long story. There are many holes to fill. I just need advice on how to deal with all of this. He came to visit this weekend. We all hung out and it was great. Our foundation allows us to continue a close, friendly relationship. I believe my husband cares very deeply for me. I am just not sure why he is doing this. He said he is has not fixed the issues in his head yet. He also believes sometimes he does not deserve my love. All this hurts. I feel in the end, I believe he broke our marriage, I am not sure if I want him back, and that he is destroying his life.

Thank you for reading... if you have made it this far.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
In reply to: cleococo1
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 8:32pm

My heart goes out to you. While our situations are not exact, they are similar at the core. My husband and I have been married 15 years and have 4 young children. He started a text relationship with a co-worker who has no children and came home one day and said he never realized all he gave up by being married with children. Now we are 5 weeks into our separation and he is out living the single life with none of the responsibilities of a married man. We are going to marriage counseling and he is seeing her individually as well. He also says he doesn't know why his feelings changed. He doesn't think he is ever coming back home but does admit that some days he thinks about it. He never talks about if we get back together.

I know that I am feeling as if I am living in limbo, waiting on him to sort out things in his head. I'm sure you are feeling this way too. I also don't believe my husband is dating or sleeping around - he has made the comment that it would take a while for him to get to that.

I am feeling the same things as you. I really love my husband, but I am afraid that he has broken our marriage. He is my best friend and I miss him so much, but I also don't know if I want him back. I think I do, but will I ever trust him fully again or will I always think that he may just up and leave again some day? I also am so angry at him for the pain he has caused our children. One of our sons is really having a terrible time dealing with his "disappearance" and feels angry and betrayed. All of the kids still cry every day. It's all so complicated and emotional.

Are you happy that you took your job back? I have a job offer on the table too, and I don't really want to take it, but at the same time I wonder if I should.

Like yours, my husband also numbs his pain and loneliness by drinking. I tell him this makes it harder for him to see what he really wants, but he doesn't agree.

I'm sorry I don't have advice for you. I just decided to reply because I think we are going through very similar feelings of betrayal, confusion and anger and I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in those feelings. I often feel very alone and that my friends are uncomfortable talking about it, plus I feel guilty if I talk about it too much - I don't want to bring other people down.

I hope everything works out, please feel free to contact me if you want to talk more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
In reply to: cleococo1
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 10:52pm

I am sorry for your situation. I have one daughter and could not imagine a husband leaving his four children. I don't think they truly realize how much this impacts their entire family.

Our pain is definitely similar. I am working through it, but wouldn't want to wish it on anyone. It gets better and as I take more control of the situation, I actual am beginning to notice some positive changes in my husband. Not sure if they are enough for him or I to change, but he needs to get better for everyone. I feel in the end, my daughter and I will be fine, but he will be the one who has realized he made a serious mistake. He truly seemed to love being a family man before all this started.

Anyway, I did take the job. I started yesterday and I am so glad I did. I have to ensure the future is secure for my daughter and myself. Plus, it gives me additional self worth and self esteem during this tough time. I think it also showed my husband that I am also taking control of the situation, which I think is very important.

I am willing to talk. I understand how hard this can be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
In reply to: cleococo1
Tue, 09-09-2008 - 11:07pm
I think I'm you! At least my situation. My husband and I have been dealing with weather or not he still wants to stay married. We are separated now (it's been 1 1/2 weeks). He sold the house and I moved back to my home town. We were separated this summer, I worked at a summer camp. After camp was done he said he wasn't ready to end the separation. So here I sit all alone feeling sorry for myself. I have been seeing a therapist here and he is dealing with his issues there with his therapist. I also am on medication, it takes the edge off doesn't make it all better. After 25 years of marriage I'm lost. I do question why it is I feel I can't live without him? I have been reading alot of books on the subject, that helps. I keep saying out loud the things I would like to do. I think this helps me convince myself to get up and find me! What is it that I need to feel good (besides my husband). Why am I giving him so much power. I need to stand on my own and know that I can be by myself. I can feel sad sometimes and thats ok because thats the way I feel, but I only allow myself to be there for a short time. I/you can't control how he feels you can only control how you choose to deal with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008
In reply to: cleococo1
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 2:09pm
One thing I want to point out to you that may or may not be obvious to you.

Rachel

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
In reply to: cleococo1
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 2:26pm

That is an interesting point. I believe there is some truth to

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008
In reply to: cleococo1
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 2:37pm

Ah Ha, he is making a preemptive strike, one that he controls, so he doesn't get the rug pulled out from under him unexpectedly as he is anticipating.

Rachel

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
In reply to: cleococo1
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 7:47pm

I definitely think there is something to what you are saying. It is almost a form of self sabatage for him. I don't know what to make of it all.


I know we all can contribute to issues within a marriage. I had some with the stress of the move. I may have even in advertantly given him the impression I was upset with the situation - which I was not. When he expressed his concerns, I did some soul searching and made some changes. I was feeling better for them. He acknowledged them, but got frustrated because his feelings were not changing within weeks. I told him I did not expect it, but he kept building walls.


It took me a few weeks to subside my guilt about moving away. But he gave us no choice. He knows this. My daughter and I are in a better spot to heal from this situation. Plus, he and I agree, this can give him the necessary space to know we are OK and focus on healing himself. He now admits the issues may be his.


I always continue to tell him I love and miss him, even if he doesn't reciprocate. He tells me that sometimes he feels he doesn't deserve those feelings from me. Again, I believe classic signs of depression.


I should also add he is not wearing his wedding ring at this time. He is always honest with me and we had this discussion. Honestly, I don't always wear mine. He said it doesn't quite represent how he feels right now and with us being so far... I know him and that this is the reason. I feel if the motives were different he would have not told me at all. He did wear it this weekend when we were all together. Strangely enough, I am OK with this because I know his feelings are genuine. When/if it goes back on, it will be a big deal.


I do have doubts about trusting him for the future. I have no idea how long I will wait. I guess if I continue to see some improvement that is good, but I also feel I will know when its time, either way. He did express some fear when I told him I may not be there when he is ready. I believe in some ways he will have to court, date and win me back.