WHY!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2008
WHY!!!!!
2
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 10:12am
OK lets see how can I start this without getting so angry. I have been married to this man for almost 8 years and a total of 15 all together. I have been thru so much with this man and yet still I can't see if he actually LOVED me. He would tell everyone else but me about how much he loved me..but never showed me. Like a normal guy he figured putting a roof over his families head and giving a vehicle to us to get from point A to B was sufficient enough. Obviously not!!
His job has always been priority to him and we agreed that I would be the stay at home mom for our children. I obliged without hesitation. Love being with my children. He continued to work more and more out of town. No he didn't have an affair. He just made work his main and only concern. I have been left hanging so many times I can't even count anymore. I have made SO many excuse for our children about why their father can't be there on special occasions or even at bedtimes. Why he can't be at home for dinner time or even why he can't be at family events with the extended family. We have never gone a family vacation that didn't include his family..( sorry ladies and gents..but vacation is meant to be somewhere you don't have to asked to work or baby-sit your kin).
I knew when I began this relationship with him it would be hard but I was willing to work at it. Having to compete with something that takes him away from the kids all the time is hard. I pretty much conformed to his lifestyle and his family. I thought thats what you did in a marriage and you compromised. Yes I compromised...not him. I learned about the business he was in just to know what took him out of town all the time and why. I went to his family outings without hesitation because I loved him. I loved the same vehicles because I loved him. I would leave him notes of affection and letters and buy him things when I was out because I loved him. I would drop everything for HIM when he asked. Anything for him...I did without question. THen I realized I was forgetting who I was. The goals I had in my own personal life..the life separate from the family and kids.
I deserved to feel love on a daily basis not on special occasions or b-day's. I had every right to want to be loved and shown it ALL THE TIME!!! THe right to have my own opinion. THe chance to have someone support me 150% on everything I dreamed and thought of whether it was wrong or right or even rediculous. I wanted someone to care about how my day went .
I don't even want to get into the whole relationship he has with our children. Here's a hint though. My kids love their father unconditionally. THey are at an age now that they notice how often he is gone. They notice he doesn't call home to check in with them. He has to be reminded about the time they go to bed so that he can call and wish them goodnight. He lets them do anything they want when I go and run errands because it's easiest for him not to have them mad at him. They make a mess he makes a bigger one and never does anyone clean it up. Thats my job. When he gets home from being away all week he sleeps on the couch because he's tired and the kids come back to me asking when will he awaken. He'll let the tv be on all day just so they aren't bugging him. When all they want to do is spend some time with him.When he IS with them and I call to check on them or ask if they need anything before I arrive home...He doesn't pick up the phone. Blames it on the phone. Which obviously irritates me even more because I don't know whats going on or where they are.
I told this man almost 3 weeks ago I couldn't continue this way. I told him we should separate for awhile and see how things go. He refuses on leaving the house. We are having more emotional stresses from that decision though. He has told me nothing yet. He has had no reaction except for the occasional" I don't know what to think of this" or "I don't want to fight or argue". He has had no response to the situation at all...We have had good conversation in front of the children and others.When it comes to just him and I being in the room he avoids the conversation completely. He says" I don't want to deal with this right now". Except for the conversation I had with him I have heard no comments on how he feels or what he wants to do. He has said nothing to fix this or anything. I have asked to go to counsling with him every year we have been married and he refused.
How do I go about this without trying to see what I did wrong? He had a responsibility in this marriage and he didn't do it. He was supposed to love us unconditionally without thinking and doing it 24/7. Not when he felt like it. It's an automatic for me to make excuses for him and it's an automatic for me to say" when he's done being busy he will have time for us". I don't want to do that anymore.
HELP!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: lanenasmama78
Wed, 09-10-2008 - 11:39am

Seems like you & your DH have different views of what a marriage & family should be like and he doesn't seem willing to change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2008
In reply to: lanenasmama78
Thu, 09-11-2008 - 3:57pm

If I didn't know better I would think you were talking about my marriage, soon to be divorced.

The work, never attending family functions for my family, falling asleep on the couch, vacationing with his family (a lot of work for me), the emotional unavailability.

My husband was also emotionally abusive. It became much worse when I started realizing how alone and lonely I was in my marriage. As the children got older he became more of a bully and would rage at them when I left them alone with him (I found this out accidently). He should never have had children.

I tried talking to him again and again saying things in different ways but never accusing him. He would ask me why I was trying to start a fight, which I wasn't, I just wanted him to understand and care about how unhappy and lonely I was.

A new friend finally told me that how he treated me was wrong and I just broke down. No one ever understood before because he behaved differently in front of people than he did behind closed doors. I went to see a therapist who suggested I read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. It was an eye opener. That was in 1997. I became the strong individual that I was before I married this person.

I learned that I needed to treat myself better and not let other peoples expectations of me define me. You can never change another person but you can go to counseling and talk to a professional. You may not hear what you want but if you start to make changes a ripple effect is created. My husband did eventually go to counseling with me but he never engaged he just went through the motions and kept saying that I had a wall up that he couldn't get through.

I was defensive and it took a while for me to see that he was the one with the wall, creating distance between us with all his actions. I kept listening to his words instead of watching his actions. He doesn't really know how to be close to anyone and has relied on me to create and maintain a life for him.

I wanted a trial separation but he just didn't think it was a good idea (of course he didn't then he would have to take care of himself). I wanted him to get counseling on his own but he wouldn't go until I finally hit bottom and said I wanted a divorce. He had a few months of really attentive behavior but it didn't last. I have now filed for divorce and we told the children a year ago. He told them he was moving out a year ago but changed his mind because in his words he doesn't know anything different. He probably won't leave until the divorce is final and he is forced out.

My children are now 15, 18 & 19. I and they wish I had pursued the divorce years ago but I thought I was doing the right thing trying to keep my family together. All I did was prolong an already non-functional relationship. It was not a fun happy household. They love their Dad but the oldest really have no connection with him and now they aren't interested in spending time with him. It is sad because they don't really feel loved or safe with their Dad. He is now making more of an effort with the children but it may have happened sooner if I hadn't let things go so long.

Please seek counseling for yourself, read the book "Boundaries".

Be strong for you.