Been 5 years and i'm still angry (LONG)
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Been 5 years and i'm still angry (LONG)
| Thu, 09-11-2008 - 11:18am |
As some of you know I got married at 23 and was divorced by 25. The marriage lasted a year until he told me he wanted out. He called me on the phone from another state to tell me, did not want to work on things, just wanted it to be over. He had a dangerous job in the military, our country had just gone to war, I didnt handle being a military wife very well...my biggest fault was that i complained about his job. I also never wanted to have sex with him towards the end. So I can certainly see where he was unhappy. But as for me, he could have punched me in the face and i'd still have tried to work things out to save the marriage.
Overall it was a traumatzing experienced. For the past 5 years i've had lots of ups and downs. I had to find myself all over again and I still dont think i have found myself. I really turned to booze and did things I never thought I would (sexual things) I just lose myself when I get drunk. I have driven drunk, I jumped out a window, I've sworn at my mother, I just get crazy. I've had many times where i've said, stop stop doing this...but i dont.
I've had some wake up calls lately and I really feel ready to put the past behind me. After 5 years of being in denial and trying to cover things up i've realized that I still think about my goddam ex and what happened EVERY DAY. I have been to therapy, I've dated other people, I've tried to reach out to family and friends. Why do i still feel this way? People get divorced and break up all the time and they move on. I just cant seem to get over this. I'm ruining my life. It's like I dont know how to live...I dont even know how to help myself anymore. I could have killed myself drunk a few times...and I cant help but feel a bit horrified over some of the things i've done (like driving home and not remembering it) but the sad thing is i still laugh about it. Just last night a good friend came over for dinner, i told her my troubles, she told me she is there for me and wants to help me and we will do other things that dont involve alcohol...but we still laughed at the things i've/we've done.
On saturday i talked to a guy i dated when i was 18. 18 was when i first started drinking. he didnt drink and he hated when i did. We eventually broke up over it...and i was only getting drunk about once a mont at this time, but i guess that was enough. 12 years later he said to me, i cared about you so much back then and i hated to see you do that to yourself. I woudl just get drunk to the point i couldnt stand up....I didnt drink during my marriage...i barely got drunk the 4 years i was with my ex...but once that ended I sure did.
The thing is after all this I still dont even think i'm an alcoholic. I just think I have a 'problem' with alcohol. I am sitting here now and i dont want to drink...i havent had a drink since friday. The guy i'm seeing told me he would take a month off with me. It was one of the nicest things anyone has said to me.
Why do i still think of my ex every day though? Why do i still feel sorry for myself every day? I feel like a victim. I know people have had worse things happen to them...but i feel angry and sad still about this all the time. My life was not supposed to turn out this way. I never thought i'd be divorced. I come from a nice family...i always thought i'd just get married around 25/26 and have a couple kids. Now I just feel so damaged...I dont know that I"ll ever be able to move on. I feel angry watching other people do now what i thought i'd be doing (marriage/kids) but then there's a part of me that thinks i'm not cut out for that now...all because of what my ex did to me. I dont know why he ever married me in the first place, i dont know why he didnt want to work on things...but he messed my life up. I wish i never met him. I heard he got remarried recently...so it's like, how nice that things have worked out for him.
Overall it was a traumatzing experienced. For the past 5 years i've had lots of ups and downs. I had to find myself all over again and I still dont think i have found myself. I really turned to booze and did things I never thought I would (sexual things) I just lose myself when I get drunk. I have driven drunk, I jumped out a window, I've sworn at my mother, I just get crazy. I've had many times where i've said, stop stop doing this...but i dont.
I've had some wake up calls lately and I really feel ready to put the past behind me. After 5 years of being in denial and trying to cover things up i've realized that I still think about my goddam ex and what happened EVERY DAY. I have been to therapy, I've dated other people, I've tried to reach out to family and friends. Why do i still feel this way? People get divorced and break up all the time and they move on. I just cant seem to get over this. I'm ruining my life. It's like I dont know how to live...I dont even know how to help myself anymore. I could have killed myself drunk a few times...and I cant help but feel a bit horrified over some of the things i've done (like driving home and not remembering it) but the sad thing is i still laugh about it. Just last night a good friend came over for dinner, i told her my troubles, she told me she is there for me and wants to help me and we will do other things that dont involve alcohol...but we still laughed at the things i've/we've done.
On saturday i talked to a guy i dated when i was 18. 18 was when i first started drinking. he didnt drink and he hated when i did. We eventually broke up over it...and i was only getting drunk about once a mont at this time, but i guess that was enough. 12 years later he said to me, i cared about you so much back then and i hated to see you do that to yourself. I woudl just get drunk to the point i couldnt stand up....I didnt drink during my marriage...i barely got drunk the 4 years i was with my ex...but once that ended I sure did.
The thing is after all this I still dont even think i'm an alcoholic. I just think I have a 'problem' with alcohol. I am sitting here now and i dont want to drink...i havent had a drink since friday. The guy i'm seeing told me he would take a month off with me. It was one of the nicest things anyone has said to me.
Why do i still think of my ex every day though? Why do i still feel sorry for myself every day? I feel like a victim. I know people have had worse things happen to them...but i feel angry and sad still about this all the time. My life was not supposed to turn out this way. I never thought i'd be divorced. I come from a nice family...i always thought i'd just get married around 25/26 and have a couple kids. Now I just feel so damaged...I dont know that I"ll ever be able to move on. I feel angry watching other people do now what i thought i'd be doing (marriage/kids) but then there's a part of me that thinks i'm not cut out for that now...all because of what my ex did to me. I dont know why he ever married me in the first place, i dont know why he didnt want to work on things...but he messed my life up. I wish i never met him. I heard he got remarried recently...so it's like, how nice that things have worked out for him.

Corbeach..I think that you never truely mourned your marrriage. You got married (every girl's dream) and figured after that a couple of kids, the white picket fence and live a good life. When you get D it is like someone has died. Actually it the "us" that died. There was you and him then both of you became US. US went shopping, laighed and had fun. Us has been gone for a long time.
You have turned to alcohol to avoid feeling the pain of loosing Us. The more you think about it the more you hurt whcih means the more you drink. It is a lousy cycle.
Its OK to mourn your marriage. Learn from what was good and what was not.
Please get back into therapy.
Sorry to hear that you're having such a difficult time. Have you considered counseling? Talking to an objective person who can also look at your history might be helpful. I also had a short term marriage at age 22. We were young and just didn't know how to be married. I am much older now and still wonder "what if?" but it doesn't help to wonder.
It sounds that you, like me, didn't know how to be alone and happy with yourself. Do you question your worthiness? If so, remind yourself everyday that you are wonderful, amazing and awesome. He just wasn't ready and may never be. It's time to figure out what you have fun doing without drinking or drugs of any kind. Figure out who are without being part of a couple.
It is hard not to be angry, you probably feel like your dreams were crushed. Unfortunately the road isn't always straight. You will get there because you will find the person someday who deserves you.
Corbeach,
I think you seriously need to confront your alcohol abuse. Look in the yellow pages under "Alcoholics Anonymous" find a chapter, go to a meeting. Defeat your addiction and you'll be able to deal with all the other disappointments in your life. Alcohol isn't the answer. Go today.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Some commonly misspelled words on this board:
You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Corbeach,
Only you can make the changes necessary in your life.