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| Fri, 09-12-2008 - 12:48pm |
My husband and I have been married for about five and a half years. For most of those years I felt that we had the perfect marriage. We truly seemed like soulmates, and would always have the greatest time together.
Things we both did contributed to the disintegration of our relationship. I went through a time of depression regarding a job search, during which I slept constantly. He began to feel abandoned and neglected, and started a Myspace profile where he met women online. He never met them in person, but began an "online-emotional" relationship with a woman in Germany. He justified his correspondence with her by saying that she lived in another country, and they would never meet. Anyway, we both did things that worked to destroy our marriage, but I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until recently.
A few months ago it all came out, just that he wasn't sure if he still loved me "romantically". We still love each other very much, and get along great. We've never really fought, but the spark is gone. I feel that I deserve to be really loved in a marriage, not treated as a sister. The other night I asked him if he was still sexually attracted to me, and he hesitated. Our sex life has been pretty non-existent for quite a while.
So we are discussing separating for a while. Back in June I stayed with my parents for a weekend, as a sort of "trial separation" which really didn't do anything. My parents are incredibly supportive. I am only 25, so they are welcoming me back with open arms, and have told me I would be welcome to stay with them in their new house, which is six hours away from here. DH and I are both leaning toward separating for a while, to see if some time apart will help us see our relationship more clearly.... so we would be giving up our apartment and he would move in with his dad and I would go up with my parents. It really feels like the right thing to do. I feel like I need to move on, and spend some time apart from him. But I still love him so much, and we get along great. But living as brother and sister is getting old. I am afraid of being apart from him, but excited too...
sorry if this doesn't really make sense, I am just looking to see if anyone has any advice or experience in this... we are not planning on divorcing, not yet anyway. I am just very nervous about taking this step. I would be quitting my job and completely leaving this area...

Sure it makes sense.... and you both should be commended for at least thinking about trying a separation to see what happens.
In some ways, it's GREAT that you two get along on the level that you do, but completely understand that when passion is missing, that's a HUGE piece to just "live without".
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
First off, thank you very much for replying to my post! I appreciate your insights very much.
Well, in regards to the job situation... I haven't been happy at my job for quite a while. There wouldn't be any way for me to transfer up to where my parents are, I work for a semi small business. I haven't spoken with anyone at my job yet, but I am fairly sure that they would hire me back if I decided to move back to the area. As long as I leave on good terms, which I am trying very hard to keep everything on good terms. : )
As far as staying in town goes... I think I might be able to afford our apartment on my own salary. But the kind of state I am in right now I feel like I need to be around my family. Once my parents move to their new house, which I mentioned earlier is six hours away, I won't have any family in the area, and the thought of being separated from my husband, and also having my parents move away is very tough to think about. My thinking is kind of like, if he doesn't love me anymore, than there is no reason for me to stay here. I have only lived in this town as long as I have because this is his home town. We very rarely ever leave town, because he is an extreme homebody. Yes, a job is very important, I know. That is a major consideration in my decision making. I won't have a whole lot of expenses if I were to live with my parents. We haven't talked it out yet, but I think my parents would charge me a small rate for "room and board" and I would have my student loan payments, and car insurance, basically.
So I guess I just have to make a decision... talking with my husband about where to store our furniture, etc., and taking my car off his insurance policy is scary... but I know it's a part of the process.
Has anyone ever filed taxes while separated? I am also worried about that.
Could it be that you both could use some friends to do things to have some "time apart" from one another without doing anything so drastic?.... one of the things in my marriage that was severely wrong was that my EX wanted me under his thumb all the time... and if he agreed to go somewhere with me, he acted like it was pure misery the entire time.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
That is a good idea, having some time apart by doing things with friends. He has never been that possessive of me. And the thing is that we have very different schedules, so we don't actually see each other too often during the week, except for when he gets out of work around 9:30 or 10. He also goes to visit his great uncle in a nursing home just about every day, and is usually there for an hour or two, so I definitely have some resentment for a situation that seems like he puts his uncle before our relationship.
But you have definitely given me another route to consider. : ) Thank you.
And thanks for the tax tip. I appreciate it!