Getting Ready,Letting Go--Need Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Getting Ready,Letting Go--Need Help!
11
Mon, 09-15-2008 - 8:21pm

Boy, do I need help and advice ! Here's my story: Married 30 years (I was 20.) 2 kids (son, 26 and on his own; daughter, 17 and in high school). My husband has not touched me in 8 years--yep, EIGHT! He very, very rarely says anything positive to me, doesn't tell me he loves me, nothing. Marriage counseling: him, 4 sessions with me; me, a gazillion sessions to figure out how to cope. Why am I still in the marriage? For our daughter's sake. And I'm sure that was the right decision, but now, the light is at the end of the tunnel, and I'm scared and confused.

I know I'll be lonely at first. Yuck. That scares me silly. Also, I'm the kind who can't bear hurting anyone. I'm afraid to bring up the Big D. I can't imagine he wants to stay in the marriage, but then, I can't figure him out any more. Generally, if he seems hurt or upset about something, I cave. I HATE having someone I care about (and I still care about him.)feeling hurt because of my actions. I don't know when or how to approach him with this. Earlier would allow us to plan but would just make things more tense, maybe a LOT more tense.WWYD?

Also, can anyone recommend a site or something where I can get advice on preparing financially? I'm worried that money will trap me into staying in this marriage for years longer--at least until our daughter gets through college. I don't think I can stand that.

These last eight years have been agonizing. Any advice?

Julie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 8:11am

Julie,


Hi and welcome to the board. We hope you find helpful advice and support here!


First, you deserve alot of credit for investing in marriage counseling. It's worth it even if it doesn't result in the marriage being productive and happy (that takes two people willing to do the work and make the choices to keep it going.) Obviously, your husband doesn't want to take responsibility for his part of the marriage so he "quit" after 4 sessions. Oh so typical!


Second, I'd like to ask you what else you've been doing to make yourself happy?

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 10:46am

First, the financial aspect of this--do you have a job?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 12:48pm

Oh, wow. I can't believe the support you've given me already! Just hearing from caring people is a HUGE help! I'll try to respond to specific points and questions.

First, my husband and I are both teachers, he at a college and I at a high school. We (mostly he; I'm not too good at it) have a small Internet business that helps pay the bills. I have four years of college plus some graduate school. I have a lot of additional responsibilities at work, so life is pretty hectic. I like my job and my students.

I have not done much to develop myself as a person these past eight years. That is such a good observation! I live outside of a remote town in a rural state. I used to roller blade (always the oldest person at the rink by a good thirty years) and go to the movies with my daughter, but now she prefers doing that sort of thing with her friends, which is healthy and good. Since she attends the school where I teach and we have a good relationship, we spend a lot of quality time together. Yes, I think she has an inkling of what's going on, but she struggles with issues of change, which is one reason I've stuck out the situation. But I digress.

I'm shy in social situations and don't make real friends easily. My only good buddy moved away a year ago. I'm close with my 3 siblings, but they live halfway across the country, near the city where we're all from; they do know of my situation. My mom, who lives on the west coast, is 87 and suffers from an anxiety disorder and does not know. So you folks are extra-important to me. Honestly, I don't know when I'd find time to develop a new interest, and while I'd love to make new friends, I don't know where to start. Most women around here who are my age have their own social circles, and it's hard to get in, especially for shy little ol' me.

The other problem is that my husband is a workaholic who seems to resent the time I spend on fun stuff. He says he doesn't, but I know from long history that he gets peeved if he's working and I'm not. I make him sound like an unfeeling monster, which he isn't. He's been in pain over the relationship, too, but in a far different way; he is able to blame me and not himself.

Why did he quit counseling? Well, he SAID it was because he couldn't stand the therapist, who was pretty long-winded. He'd said he'd only go to counseling if we went to a female therapist with an office in the town where he teaches, and she was the only one. The therapist told me in a later session that she thought he quit because we were getting too close to some painful truth. There's a contributing factor: another condition of his was that I not go into a HUGE issue of his that I had to contend with in the marriage. Don't want to go into what it was; it wasn't illegal or anything, but it rocked my world. I thought his revelation to me had a silver lining: if I could accept him as he was, maybe he could accept me as I was. He couldn't, and I was hurt and angry. OK, so the second session, the therapist said to me, "I have a feeling you're holding something back. Is there some other issue that's going on?" Torn between lying and telling the truth, I blurted out the truth--BAD MOVE, and one I've regretted since. That was a real trust-buster for him. Dang, I wish I'd lied. Of course, therapy wouldn't have worked, but it didn't work anyway.

As for finances...thank you so much for all those tips. My husband wants to retire where we live (if he can ever afford to retire) and stay in the house we own (in another six or sevenyears) for the rest of his life. No downsizing in his plans. I would really like to move back to the city I"m originally from, but EEKS! Real estate prices anywhere near there are astronomical. Don't know if I could afford a cardboard carton in someone's yard. We've been saving for our daughter's college ed. for a long time--with that, her wages, and hopefully some scholarships--oh, who am I kidding? She'll need more help from us. My H. doesn't make enough to pay child support, let alone alimony, which I wouldn't want, anyway.

Sorry this is so long. I wanted to answer questions and say how much I appreciate the advice and insights, especially now, when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Thanks!

P.S. He told me eight years ago that if there were ever to be a divorce, I'd have to initiate it. He also threatened to take half of everything I owned, including my mother's engagement ring--but I think that was said in the heat of the moment. He has a lot of integrity along with that temper.

Julie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 1:52pm

Some observations:


First of all, I know it's hard to make new friends, you do tend to spend most of free time w/ the husband & kids, then when they are gone, it's like who's left?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 6:27pm

Ah-ha! Those are great suggestions!

I like to write. That's my big interest, and I've had some success with it in the past. There aren't any writers' groups around here. My H. (who teaches writing) started one some years ago, but it eventually lapsed when he had less time to put into it. Maybe I'm going to have to start one of my own? Yikes. That's pretty scary. OK, that's terrifying. I'm trying to mull it over and not panic. Not working. Maybe I just need to let it ferment in the back of my mind for awhile.

Your suggestions about financial aid are helpful. I have many fond (NOT!) memories of that FAFSA website from when my son was in college. I'll have to gather info. and get on their to see, like you said. That really would give me something concrete to work at.

I wish it were easier for me to say, "To heck with that jerk!" and find a good attorney. Maybe if I had been able to leave eight years ago, I would have had enough hurt and anger to do that. The thing is, he's worked really hard all his life, first to support his wife and son from his first marriage (both events when he was 19), then to pay child support and help support us both while he was in grad school, and then in working ever since. It's not like we have a lot: this house (which neither one of us could afford on our own), our two old cars, and some really cruddy second- and third-hand furniture. He loves our house--not a luxurious house by any means, but a good, solid house. Effectively taking that away from him would be a killer.

I don't think I could do it. I don't want to live like this the rest of my life, though, either. Aargh! This is way too hard. Why couldn't he be the one who was initiating this?

Julie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Tue, 09-16-2008 - 10:57pm
Musiclover, I'm ashamed to admit I was pretty self-absorbed in my reply to you. What I want to say is that I applaud your courage in calling the AAUW. You are obviously a smart lady who's able to ascertain her own needs and take care of herself. Please let me know how your first meeting goes.
Julie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 1:31pm

When I read your last paragraph, I thought that was how I used to feel--we would have these arguments and STBX would say that he was going to the lawyer the next day to get a divorce, and I would say go ahead, but I knew he would never really do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Wed, 09-17-2008 - 9:12pm

You sure had some good reasons for filing for divorce. You're right: he had plenty of opportunities to change. Yeah, if he had already asked around about attorneys, he must have known something was coming.

You seem so calm and resilient. Those are qualities I want so badly to have. Were you just born that way, or did you learn how to be like that?

Julie
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-18-2008 - 10:45am

I really had to laugh when I read your last paragraph.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Fri, 09-19-2008 - 11:56am

My hat is off to you. I see how that unbelievably horrible time in your thirties helped you realize your own strength, but even with therapy, a lot of people don't get to your state of acceptance and fortitude; you did that on your own.

Last year was my annus horibilus. One of my students died of a sudden illness, and two friends died, one (who'd moved away some years ago) died of cancer, the other of a sudden massive heart attack. One of my sisters was diagnosed with breast cancer and the other had a long bout with a kidney ailment. My MIL fell and fractured her spineand...well, there were lots of other things of a similar nature, but why go on and on? The point is, what I learned last year is that I could get through a whole lot of grief, but I do not feel stronger, and I can't say that I sweat the small stuff any less. I did go for therapy, which I have done at various points in my life. I suffer from anxiety; I seem to have been born that way. At 51 (52 as of tomorrow), I can say that I've accepted that I'm going to have to deal with anxiety all my life. My dream is to attain the kind of calm wisdom you have.

It sounds like you went through your first divorce at a time when your life was already pretty rough. Isn't that the pits? I used to have a friend whose husband left her right after her mother died. When my dad died, my husband got really ticked at me because i wouldn't go shopping with him while we were in California for Dad's funeral and spent most of our wedding anniversary sulking over it. When I got the news that my student had died, I sobbed uncontrollably for an hour. My husband expressed heartfelt sympathey and turned me over to our teen-aged daughter, who was kind of at a loss. All of this makes me wonder if death just doesn't make the worst come out in some men. I wonder why that is.

Julie

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