Is it worth saving?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2008
Is it worth saving?
4
Fri, 09-19-2008 - 4:27am

We are high school sweethearts, together for 15 yrs, married for 6, have a 2 year old. To everybody, we are the perfect couple--good careers, nice house, happy. The problems started even before the baby was born, and having the baby did not help things. We'd have our blow-out fights, and they intensified over time, but we always had hope that it would work out. At the end of the day, we still cared for and loved each other. However, now it's different. Where to start? For one, everything about me seems to annoy him, and it's manifesting itself in blow-out fights over the smallest thing. Like the other morning, when he got annoyed at me because I asked him to hurry since I had a train to catch. Slightly irked at his annoyance, I suggested in the car that he let me know if he planned to drive me, so that I can accommodate him and leave him some time to get ready. No reply. My annoyance level increases. I start saying that it makes me sad that we can't even work out simple logistical things without fighting. He tells me to stop talking, that he needs to process what I said. I refused, now fully hurt and confused, asking why we can't talk about simple things like this. He starts telling me to look at myself in the mirror, look how I'm behaving, which enrages me because I felt he was talking down to me. So I raise my voice, and that sets him off and he starts screaming at me, something about how I don't listen and how I'm making him scream. Later on, he leaves a vm for me saying how I'm selfish and lazy.

This is just one thing. Even when he says something hurtful and I start crying, he gets annoyed. In fact, one time he said something hurtful and I left the room crying, he promptly fell asleep. He also used to put in effort to see me or spend time with me, and in the past 2-3 years it's been like pulling teeth. On the parenting front, we are pretty different, but whereas I see it as a strength (he takes care of her physical needs mostly--eating, laundry, I take care of things like doctor's visits, saving for college, daycare vetting, etc), he sees it as me being lazy because I'm not sitting there feeding her every morning (the baby is 2 and can do it herself, and if I let her eat by herself, I'm doing it on purpose so she can learn, not because I'm a neglectful mom).

Today, after crying for two days, I suggested that maybe we should split up because I don't think I can do this anymore, he says, "Who's done what to you?" (as in, what do you have to complain about?) Even my despair annoys him.

Is it time to give up? Or is this just a rough patch?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 09-19-2008 - 10:58am
Have you considered marriage counselling?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Fri, 09-19-2008 - 11:32am
I agree with music that it seems like you both have some communication problems and that you would benefit from marriage counseling, but to answer your question of whether or not it's worth saving, I think it is worth it if you're both committed to working together to save the relationship. (((HUGS)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 09-19-2008 - 2:38pm

Depends... you have many years, plus a child, invested....


Saving it (and fixing it so that it's strong....) means you BOTH agree to counseling and being open and objective.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2008
Fri, 09-19-2008 - 4:40pm

I really appreciate your responses. I think I might be mildly codependent (from the definitions I read online). We've been together since we were teens and I definitely built my entire happiness around him, to the point where a bad word from him would make me feel like my entire day is ruined.

To compound things, he's not an emotional person at all, or very introspective. So that heightens my neediness. But you all made me realize that I need to work out our issues and not give up.