wondering about the adjustment

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
wondering about the adjustment
10
Mon, 09-22-2008 - 11:33am

i have made the decision to end my 28 year marriage. ive been trying to make this decision for 3 years. i know its what i need to do but my husband doesnt want it. he is a really nice person, we just have never bonded. i stayed because i wanted to best for my children that are now grown. then i

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-22-2008 - 9:57pm

Your friends are confused about your indecision.... how so?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Mon, 09-22-2008 - 10:28pm

hi cl


thanks so much for writing me. To answer your question about what my friend think. well, they just love me, and want me to move on. They believe i have giving this the best i can and dont understand the doubt i have in myself. i just cant stand to hurt anyone, so ending a 28 yr marriage, hurts alot of people. My kids will be fine, they love me, we have a wonderful relationship, its just the idealism of keeping it all together. And you are right, we are just stuck. Part of me knows there is more to life than this, Part of me is scared to find out what that is.. Im a huge people pleaser (some would say suck up) so its like im having an out of body experience to say, this isnt working for me.. i want more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 11:30pm

I have a theory on that!


I truly think that if I'd made decisions about my marriage in any different timeline, I might have doubts and regrets.... really, like you, all I had was just wanting everyone to be happy and make the transition easy.


In the end, yes... there were some times that were uncomfortable and scary, but most of all... it was WAY better than I ever imagined it would be, and I found myself saying "this wasn't so bad... i did it!... what was I so stressed about".... which it's really easy to say all of that in hindsight, but you'll have the confidence of knowing that you didn't make any decisions that weren't well thought out... and that says a WHOLE lot about who you are as a person and your values.


Be cautious... know it's gonna hurt a little bit some of the time... and keep taking those steps forward until you find where it feels good.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Sat, 09-27-2008 - 5:18pm

Have you tried doing things with your husband ? travel go out do fun things? I am a wife who got left behind because my husband probably felt the same way about me. I am a good wife, I am a good mother I am worth being with but when the other person feels they are missing something I get so mad. How dare the spouse who feels they want something more when we have put so many years into the relationship. Try something new with your spouse not run from them. That isnt fair we are good people. I pretty much feel that there isnt much better out there you will probably end up going from one relationship to another and here you have someone who seems like me would stay with you forever. I just dont get it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Sat, 09-27-2008 - 8:40pm

Sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2008
Sat, 09-27-2008 - 10:12pm
Hi.. thanks for taking the time to write to me. thanks for sharing your thoughts. i truly want to make the best decision for everyone i love, not just me. our daughter and her family live 2 1/2 hours from us. we travel there one a month, or so. we have also had some longer distance trips as well. dinners out, movies, walks. we dont speak during any of this. we will literally drive 2 1/2 hrs with no more than a sentence or two. i have tried my entire marriage to break though to him. its not the not talking as it is the not communicating, if you can understand what im saying. i just feel so lonely. and yes, ive talked to him about that. i been to counciling alone at first because he didnt want to go, then after quite some time he did go a couple of times with me. Its just not something he wants to do. He is content as long as i am with him, he has no need to develop our marriage any deeper. i do. After the cousiling and me trying to explain what i need, he has gotten even more withdrawn. i eat alone, i sleep alone. but, he doesnt want anyone to know we are having problems and all he says is he believes it will get better. i want to love the man im married to. i want to laugh with him, and i want to really know him, and him me. I know in my head i have tried all i can. i know in my heart that he cant help it. ive lived this way a long time, all the while something inside me is telling me there is more to life than this. i feel like i only have this one life and im wasting it. im not a selfish person at all, im just trying to figure out what to do.
Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Sat, 09-27-2008 - 11:23pm
Sounds like you have done much thinking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Sun, 09-28-2008 - 1:49am
It sounds like you should maybe do a trial seperation where both of you figure out what you want in life. The bible said it is ok to do that as long as you guys are not seeing someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sun, 09-28-2008 - 5:57am

Hi tealeaves,


Oh I remember those meals that you might have as well gone by yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2008
Mon, 09-29-2008 - 5:31pm

Everyone reads these posts through their own painful lens.