How did you know for sure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2008
How did you know for sure?
5
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 11:28pm

Hi all, I'm new here and in desperate of some direction & advice.


I'm so unhappy. My husband & I have been together for a total of 22 years...I'm only 39! Our 19th wedding anniversary is today. I tried so hard to make the best of it but I don't really want to be here anymore. I don't love him.....gosh, that's hard to say but unfortunately

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
Tue, 09-23-2008 - 11:56pm

There are two options.

1. Stay together for the kids and be miserable.

2. Split up and be happy and both work on being great co-parents for the kids.

Many people make the mistake of staying together for the kids. IMO it hurts the kids more to see the hate and daily tension between unhappy parents than it is to have two happy parents that love them that no longer are together and live apart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 4:13am

Jovi,


Hi. It sounds like you really aren't talking to each other. Expectations, especially those unspoken, are usually difficult to meet if you don't know what they are.


I strongly encourage you to get marriage counseling. You're both walking around an elephant in the living room. So stop pretending everything is fine and admit there's a problem. That's the first step. Marriage counseling will help both of you "see" and discuss what's going on (and not) in your marriage. It will help you decide how to best approach your situation.


I also expect you haven't done a great deal to grow yourself during your marriage, i.e. "he's always taken care of me," etc. Well, that can lead to a ton of resentment on the part of both spouses. My suggestion is you start by identifying some goals for yourself you can achieve within the marriage. Go to work? Go to school? Learn a new skill? Whatever "growth" means to you. I think you'll discover you'll be more satisified with your life if you stop expecting your husband to make you happy 100% of the time and start giving that job to yourself.


You also have young children to consider. While I'm not going to tell anyone to stay in an unhappy marriage, I also won't tell them to just quit because this isn't just about you.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 12:01pm

I think that if you do decide to get a div, you need to start preparing to take care of yourself--do you have a job, an education? If not, you need to think about how you are going to support yourself in the future. If you get custody of the kids, you'll get child support, but at some point, that will end. I think it would be terrible to be stuck w/ someone you don't love because you can't support yourself, although I put off my div for a while due to some financial reasons, even though I work full time.

Also, do you understand why you don't love your DH any more and would there be any change in your feelings toward him if he acted a certain way? I was going to counseling myself to decide if I should get divorced and my therapist said to me that it was only fair to my DH to tell him why I was unhappy w/ him so that at least, he had the opportunity to change his behavior if he wanted to save the marriage. When I told him, he didn't even listen to me, so I figured that was a lost cause, but if you wish your DH would do something diff and you don't tell him about it, then he's not a mind reader, so how would he know?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2008
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 1:10pm

Thank you. Thank you for the input & advice. I appreciate it. I think that I'm going to try the marriage counseling idea. I think it's the best thing to do before making a more drastic decision.


I also am thinking a lot about what was set re: becoming more independent and self-sufficient. That's important.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 3:44pm

"We haven't had sex in close to 2 years I think. ...emotionally I'm totally dead towards him, I feel nothing.....nothing but dislike and disappointment."


What is the disappointment about?