Need A Female Perspective
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| Wed, 09-24-2008 - 12:46am |
Hi everyone,
I'm in need of your opinions. I apologize in advance for the length of this post...
My wife and I have just filed for divorce after 5 years of marriage (our 5th anniversary is next week) and a total of 8 years together. We have 2 small children together and I have a step daughter that is 11 who I love as my own.
For the last year, year and a half, my wife and I have grown distant and disconnected from one another. Much of this came from money issues arising from our the company that she and I started several years ago. She came to me on 3 different occasions and told me that she was unhappy and wanted more dates, more romance, and more vacations. At the time I didn't give it as much thought as I should have since I knew our financial situation was going to be improving soon and I was going to wait until then to make a move for the better in these ways.
About 6 months ago, she went back to work bartending at a dive bar about 30 minutes from our home. It's a huge contrast from what we are accustomed living in suburbia with soccer practices and a focus on family. I trusted her and knew that she felt that she had limited options and would enjoy working there a few nights a week and making decent money to help the family. We agreed that if it ever came down to it, she would quit.
She started coming home late and hanging our with her friends from there quite a bit. One morning I woke up and just KNEW something was wrong. I grabbed her laptop and did investigative work and discovered she had been secretly having a love affair with a guy 15 years younger than her! She had been talking to him several times a day and texting him hundreds of times each month. She went on romantic dates and bought him little keepsakes. She even wrote him letters claiming they were soulmates and how much she loved tickling him and how much she adored him and loved him.
I was absolutely devastated. My world completely crashed at that moment and I was forever changed.
I am not a trusting person by nature and I think that is why it hit me so extremely hard. I never saw it coming. At all.
I confronted her that night and she claimed he was just a friend. She swore she never slept with him etc. I knew it was all lies at that point. I just knew it.
She said that I caught it just in time before it got to the next level and that she wanted to go on a vacation immediately with me and the kids to try to rekindle something. I went along with it and I had the most painful next 3 days I have ever had before. She would not touch me, hug me, kiss me, or anything of that nature. She was cold and hurtful. I expressed my thoughts and feelings and she sat there and listened with virtually nothing to add.
Once we got back she swore to me that she would start marriage counseling and stop seeing this guy once and for all. 5 days later, she lied to me again and spent the night with him at a hotel that she and I had frequented. It was their "going away" evening and supposedly have not spoken since. This should have been the nail in the coffin but I foolishly kept clinging to hope for my children and selfishly for me because I loved her and was used to the idea of having her with me as my wife.
I accessed her cell phone records and called this kid. After 4 calls and messages, he finally had the courage to call me back. He swore that he was misled about our marriage and that she portrayed it as if it was already over. He started to cry and promised to never talk to her again and said he was extremell sorry and sick with himself that he ruined a family. He also confirmed that they had sexual relations and that she was "in love with him." To my knowledge this kid was telling the truth and has not spoken to her since.
After all of this much has happened but my question to all of you is am I absolutely crazy for even trying to work on this?
2 other major things to mention. She did the exact same thing to her ex husband and swore to me when we met that she was a changed person and hated herself for what she did etc. Now she has established a pattern....
The other thing is that she cant tell me if she loves me and she is also unwilling to quit her job now even though she met this kid there and is also unwilling to change her cell number.
I suggested divorce and she quickly jumped at the chance. She is getting nothing out of it at all and I am on track to get full custody of our kids INCLUDING her own daughter.
I have received tons of feedback from my guy friends and they all say the same exact thing which I will share after I hear back from you but I really could use some female perspective on this.....
Sorry to ramble on so much....I left out a lot too....
Any feedback would be extremely appreciated.....
Thanks in advance from a confused, and now soon to be single Dad of 3 great kids.
Randy

I agree with the others...Run far far away...Sorry to say, she has already checked out of the marraige.
Randy,
I feel for you. I have also been with my STBX 8 years. However, we do not have kids. Before we were married, he cheated on me and I still married him. I should've know better. Now, eight years later, I still have trust issues and he just confirmed to me that while we were living separately (2 months) he had sex with someone multiple times. I am just numb anymore. I really don't care, the marriage is over, but now, that I have made it clear that I am not a doormat anymore, he is truely scared and realizes that I am over it. He is trying harder than ever to
It doesn't seem from what you have written that your wife is very sorry this happened or really wants to save the marriage, so I think it's hopeless. I think that sometimes it's possible to save a marriage even if there has been infidelity, but the person who cheated has to be very remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to regain the trust of the wronged partner, for ex, if you say that you need her to quit working at the bar so you won't be worried that she would either meet that same guy or another guy, then she should be willing to do it, if that's what it takes to make you trust her again. The fact that she is more interested in keeping her job at the bar says to me that she doesn't care about you that much--after all, she could get another job, is it that easy to get another husband, esp. when you have kids together?
I am curious--how are you getting custody of your stepchild? Did you adopt her?
Would maybe a trial seperation work for you and your family? That's why we did when my husband cheated. We then went to a marriage workshop (Retrouvaille.org) and after a year and more marriage counseling, got back together. We've now been a couple longer than we were before the betrayal. You cannot make it work alone though. Kudos to you for watching out for the kids, including her own daughter! Good luck with working it out the way you want it too.
She doesn't want you.
Randy, I'm very sorry this is happening to you. I agree with the others that said you need to just let her go. Maybe she'll come to her senses and maybe she won't, but you shouldn't keep your life on hold while she's out behaving like a single woman. Do what you need to do for yourself and the kids.
Please do not take this as me blaming you for her cheating, but you said she came to you on three separate occasions, telling you she was unhappy and needed your attention. I can tell you in my own experience, when I went to my husband and told him I needed more, and he seemed to ignore it I felt like crap. It was the beginning of the end for us because I emotionally disconnected from him so it wouldn't hurt, and then after awhile there was just nothing left. What I'm getting at is that while it's not your fault she cheated, you may want to look at that part of it, if anything, so the next time around you are a little more conscientious of your partner's needs.
Again, I am not trying to excuse her behavior, so please don't take what I said as letting her off the hook for what she has done.