I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I've been married 31 years, too (but with no affection or physical contact from him in last 8 yrs.--staying together for our daughter). It's a very long time. Like you, I haven't been with a member of the opposite sex since I was 19. I think in circumstances like ours, it's very tough to separate our identities from our spouses: we're like mature trees whose branches intertwine. It's hard to tell where your spouse leaves off and where you begin. Nevertheless, that's just what you need to do.
You can't live your life as if she will "emerge from her coma." Even if she were to do so, your relationship would never be the same. I'm speaking bluntly here because I think it's necessary. I know how scary it is to let her go, and after only two months physically apart, you seem to feel very much married to her still. However, she has told you plainly that she does not want to be in the marriage any longer. She told you so, she left, she's established a close (if platonic) relationship with another guy. You mustn't second guess her. It's going to take a long time for it to FEEL over to you; accept that and take steps to move on with your life. If there are men interested in her, you cannot and should not take steps to "protect her." Let her make as many calls as she wants to whomever she wants, and quit analyzing her phone bill. By treating her as if she's still solidly in the marriage, you prolong the illusion you've been clinging to, that you're still very married, and this is all temporary.
As for the money situation, I believe you should ask yourself why you'd want half her retirement. Are you hoping that money will drive her back to you? Would you truly want her that way? She'd be so resentful, your life would be miserable. I know what I'm talking about here: living with someone who refuses to touch me and shows no affection or appreciation is like a daily slap in the face. You don't want that, believe me. You cannot make her love you like she used to do. If you have enough money to live on, let her keep her retirement money, whether you're legally entitled to half of it or not. Allow her the right to make her own mistakes, even if it hurts you to see her mess up.
I wish I could tell you that there's a way to kill the pain. There isn't. It's something you have to live with and work through. Acknowledge it, and remind yourself frequently how strong you are. This does not mean that you have to live a depressed life. Be patient with yourself, but do healing things. Socialize. If you can't bring yourself to socialize with the friends you used to have together, engage in new activities and make new ones. Take walks. Notice the birds and trees and happy people.
I hope you don't mind my frankness. I have a lot of empathy and hope you can ease your burden by hearing from someone who's been there.
I would think that it would be extremely hard to get a divorce after being married so long.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I've been married 31 years, too (but with no affection or physical contact from him in last 8 yrs.--staying together for our daughter). It's a very long time. Like you, I haven't been with a member of the opposite sex since I was 19. I think in circumstances like ours, it's very tough to separate our identities from our spouses: we're like mature trees whose branches intertwine. It's hard to tell where your spouse leaves off and where you begin. Nevertheless, that's just what you need to do.
You can't live your life as if she will "emerge from her coma." Even if she were to do so, your relationship would never be the same. I'm speaking bluntly here because I think it's necessary. I know how scary it is to let her go, and after only two months physically apart, you seem to feel very much married to her still. However, she has told you plainly that she does not want to be in the marriage any longer. She told you so, she left, she's established a close (if platonic) relationship with another guy. You mustn't second guess her. It's going to take a long time for it to FEEL over to you; accept that and take steps to move on with your life. If there are men interested in her, you cannot and should not take steps to "protect her." Let her make as many calls as she wants to whomever she wants, and quit analyzing her phone bill. By treating her as if she's still solidly in the marriage, you prolong the illusion you've been clinging to, that you're still very married, and this is all temporary.
As for the money situation, I believe you should ask yourself why you'd want half her retirement. Are you hoping that money will drive her back to you? Would you truly want her that way? She'd be so resentful, your life would be miserable. I know what I'm talking about here: living with someone who refuses to touch me and shows no affection or appreciation is like a daily slap in the face. You don't want that, believe me. You cannot make her love you like she used to do. If you have enough money to live on, let her keep her retirement money, whether you're legally entitled to half of it or not. Allow her the right to make her own mistakes, even if it hurts you to see her mess up.
I wish I could tell you that there's a way to kill the pain. There isn't. It's something you have to live with and work through. Acknowledge it, and remind yourself frequently how strong you are. This does not mean that you have to live a depressed life. Be patient with yourself, but do healing things. Socialize. If you can't bring yourself to socialize with the friends you used to have together, engage in new activities and make new ones. Take walks. Notice the birds and trees and happy people.
I hope you don't mind my frankness. I have a lot of empathy and hope you can ease your burden by hearing from someone who's been there.
Mike,
Hi there.
Hi Mike,
Sorry to hear about your situation.