ex finally told me dreaded news ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
ex finally told me dreaded news ...
4
Fri, 09-26-2008 - 1:28pm

The year just keeps gett'n worse! Ex called twice over the past couple of days. Finally answered yesterday. We quipped about our twin DSs. Then, I said: *Yeah, I can't wait until you all move here next year* (they live in another state, when ex came to pick them up for summer, informed me that they would be moving here). Now, NOT happening. I'm asking him *why* and he responds: *Well, I'm going to be getting married within a year & my fiance doesn't want to move. We're getting engaged on my birthday on the cruise.*

I can't even breathe, much less respond! I just felt like the wind had been knocked outta me. Then, he proceeds to tell me that the boys *are crazy about her and her 13-year-old daughter* (same age as my sons). And that they've met her mother and she's met his mother (knowing full well that my Mother passed in July!)

I went on to tell him that no matter what good I've done or the person I've been, I continue to suffer losses, good mother: losing my sons physically, good daughter, lost my Mom; good wife, lost him, he interrupts saying: *Oh no, you were NOT a good wife to me, not at all!* he's soooo evil!!

Then, I ask if GF is tall, long hair, etc., like the other two he dated during and after our divorce. His response: no she's short, but gorgeous, young. I say, *wow, you like them young*. He says, "Yeah, they're the only ones who can keep up with my sex drive" Of course , I laugh because he could care less about sex when we were married. But blamed it on ME and said that I never wanted to be intimate AND I wasn't a good lover. Allll that has changed for him now, he's with someone perfect, they're going to be married and live in bliss.

I KNEW this day would come & I'm soooo depressed, more so that, again, he just continues to sail along, move on, be happy with another woman involved in raising my sons & I'm left wondering what happened?? I'm punished for leaving a controlling, narcissist, who talked negatively to me *you don't, you can't, you won't*, etc., was cruel during our bout with infertility (no empathy or support) alcoholic, hung out all hours of nite with single friends, played golf alll the time, taking trips out of town without me or boys, etc.

Then, claims that I'm too soft, should've been able to handle his *straight* talk. Gave me an example of how he speaks to his *fiance*. She was 40 minutes late to something & told her: *Uh, you can't be doing that %#it without calling me, man* and her response *baby, you're right, it won't happen again*. WTH??

I'm just a flood of emotions: why didn't he ever take me on a cruise? I'm glad our sons are happy, but they never mentioned anything, this is the first I've heard about this woman, who ex says he's been dating since March. why does he get to have MY family, this new woman with MY sons? what is she doing or will do that I didn't do? why does this feel soo much like a punishment?! why can't I just move on and get him out of my spirit? why do I keep allowing him to send me in such a tailspin? why do I keep imagining him being intimate with HER, younger, who can keep up with his sex drive?? why does he want a baby so easily and seamlessly with her??

This is nuts, been divorced since May '07, and as soon as I think I'm doing ok, THIS happens, coupled with dealing with losing my Mother this summer :(

ahhh! I'm a mess, need advice & support ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Fri, 09-26-2008 - 3:40pm

You need to think in terms of the positive. It is a blessing that you got rid of your narcissist ex, who controlled you and talked negatively to you. He gave you no empathy or support. Celebrate his loss. You are finally free to have a healthier life. He is an alcoholic that never stayed home.


He is taking her on a cruise. So what. Plan a singles cruise for yourself. You can still cruise its allowed and it can be even more fun to cruise as a single than as a married. You have to plan it and do it. Maybe you and a few girlfriends. Sounds like fun to me. You might find someone to dance and to have dinner. Possibilities are endless. You are free.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2006
Tue, 09-30-2008 - 5:09pm

Wow, what great advice, thanks, it truly helps. I was just visiting my girlfriend over the weekend (her ex and my ex are best friends). And she said when ex was in town this summer to scoop up our sons, he stopped by, but NEVER even mentioned his fiance?? She said a friend of hers was over, who's a great judge of character, and when he left, she said: "Wow, he's a good man, you can tell he's still in love with his ex wife, what did she do to him?"

That's how he operates. He's a superstar at promoting this *perfect image* where he's wonderful and things were allll my fault. He kept repeating that he moved to the state he's in because of ME, but failed to mention I moved to the state I'm in now (returned to it last year) because of HIM. He tells everyone how great of a provider he was, good father, etc. And most of his friends believe this perfect image, despite knowing he's an alcoholic, was SELDOM home with me and the boys, took constant trips outta town on the weekends with single friends. He would do ANYTHING for friends, but completely not there for me during our bout with infertility, then, has the nerve to wonder why I never wanted to go with him to play golf or buy into his self-employed dream, when he could care LESS about the things that were important to me. He continues to blame me in my decision to continue working full time when we were married to keep health insurance for our family because he had assisted greatly in losing everything we owned because of poor business decisions. In fact, he made most decisions without consulting me then blamed me for not understanding or taking an active stance in understanding real estate decisions. Then, tries to take credit for the fact that I'm doing well, plan to build my home, etc. He says that because of him, NOW I get it?! I told him I always *got it*, it just makes a difference when you have someone who encourages you instead of berates you, and he has little to do with my forward motion, especially considering he told me back in 2004 that "you'll never make it without me, good luck raising sons without a father."

It's just awful. I thought he was such a good man, and he was once. But because I had the nerve to stand up and NOT take all his mess, he still feels the need to stick it to me and continuing to blame me saying "this is what you wanted". All I ever wanted was an in-tact family, and now I have nothing. My sons reside with him as a result of needing more structure, being reared by a father, and now, ex will have that in-tact family when he did so much wrong, but is being rewarded with a new love, soon-to-be marriage, my sons with a *new mom*, all of it just pains me & I feel as though I'm truly losing it.

Yet, I do appreciate all the support & advice. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 6:26am

Girlie,


Hi and welcome. One reality of divorce is this: the person who walks out the door usually "left" the marriage months or years before they packed a bag. That means the person whose left behind has a lot of things to deal with very suddenly.


I'm sorry you're getting hit with all kinds of things at once. Loss and grief always seems to gang up on you. So, do yourself a big favor and get some counseling. This isn't a do it yourself project. Getting support is never a sign of weakness; it's smart. If you can't afford a therapist, look for a divorce support group in your area.


As for your EX going so merrily along his way, please take note: He's already talking to the new girlfriend like he used to talk to you. Don't think for one minute he's changed. He's going to do to her what he did to you. He's going to be condescending, controlling, critical, and he's going to expect her to jump through all the hoops to make him happy, help him stay addicted to alcohol, and live the life he believes he's entitled to live. She's going to find out the hard way that she's not anything special. Eventually, he'll leave her, too.


My other advice is to stop giving your EX permission to

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 12:28pm

I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time. You've had such good advice already that I hesitated to post. However, I do want to emphasize that your ex was extolling his girlfriend's virtues precisely because it hurt you, and that this is his way of convincing you--and HIMSELF--that he was not the reason the marriage failed. Of course he was the reason, and for just the type of behavior that he's been displaying here. Frankly, I would take everything he says about his situation with a grain of salt. There's a reason he hasn't been trotting this young woman around to all his friends and showing her off. I wouldn't doubt that she's young: a young woman is less likely to tell him off when he disrespects her.

Let's face it: you've been through enough to upset even the most unflappable person. Of COURSE you're feeling emotionally shaky and vulnerable! Yet I see a strength in your posts that will carry you through. This difficult situation is temporary. You won't regret seeing a good therapist. And while you're at it, why not contact your attorney? If your XH is not going to be moving after all, it may affect your custody agreement or visitation rights.

One more thing: I'm a stepmother, though my stepson is now grown. And I was a very young stepmother, as I was just 20 when I got married. It is a tough row to hoe, believe me. I doubt very much that your sons are as taken with the "fiancee" as your X says they are. Even if they were, they'd soon enter into the turbulent adjustment period--but you won't hear about that, either, from your XH. He's playing you. As an earlier poster said, don't let that happen.

You have a lot of support here, and from people who are much more knowledgeable than I am. Please know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you well.

Julie