Worried I'll never feel "right" again

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Worried I'll never feel "right" again
5
Fri, 09-26-2008 - 9:10pm

It's been six months since my husband left me, and I am still trying to come to terms with it. We were married 17 years and have three sons, who are living with me full-time while their dad is off trying to "find himself". He doesn't know exactly what he wants in life, but he does know that he doesn't want us. And no matter how I look at it, it hurts like hell.

We never fought, we always got along pretty well together, actually, but no matter how long and how hard I tried I obviously never managed to become the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I worked so hard to try to make a good life for us, but apparently all those years I was striving to create something that he never wanted in the first place. He doesn't want a wife and children. He wants adventure and travel, the excitement of meeting new people and having new experiences. The thought of coming home every night to the same old family with the same old dull routine was driving him to the brink of despair. He felt as though the life he really wanted to live was always out there, dangling just beyond his reach, the responsibility of family and children keeping him from it. To stay with us meant giving up on everything he ever wanted to accomplish in his life, and on everything he ever wanted to be.

I try to see it from his point of view, but it's hard. I believe that my family is my strength. They only enhance my happiness, my sense of fulfillment, my feeling of success. Family and home is the center from which I draw my strength, and my husband was a huge part of that. I love him still, and am having a terrible time knowing that he never felt the same way. Now I am only half of a whole, torn right down the middle. I still love my husband and daydream constantly that he will change his mind, but I am realistic enough to know that even if I tried to completely remake myself into someone that he might want to be with, it wouldn't work. My marriage failed simply because of who I am, and no matter how hard I tried to be different the same things would still be most important to me - my children. Putting them first means I have to make some compromises. I am fine with that. But my husband wasn't...he felt that those compromises were erasing him right out of existence. I think it's because he doesn't feel the sense of satisfaction and sheer joy that I feel when I look at my boys. For him it was just compromise without anything in return. I try to understand how desperate he must have felt, to be spending day after endless day living a life that brought him no satisfaction at all. It makes me feel so worthless sometimes...I remember waking up some nights and looking over at him sleeping next to me and thanking god for letting him be in my life, for his loving me, and I would think about us spending the rest of our lives together and fall asleep so happy and full of peace and joy. The past two-three years weren't like that...his unhappiness was like a dark cloud hovering over us and I spent those years living in a kind of desperation, knowing that disaster was looming and I was utterly unable to do anything about it, just because I am who and what I am and not what he wants or needs. I loved him so much but my love was not enough to keep him loving me.

I will survive because I adore my children and they need and deserve a parent who doesn't resent them coming first, who loves them unconditionally, and could find no greater joy than in watching and guiding them as they grow into happy, healthy, successful adults. However, that's only half of me. There is the other half of me, the half that loved my husband and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, who imagined travel and vacations when the kids were grown, having a wonderful retirement, puttering around together when we were old and gray. People tell me I may still find that again with someone else, but realistically, I'm almost 42 with three children, I weigh 235 pounds, and I'll never win any beauty contests. Not to mention, even if I was 30 again and weighed 115 pounds and was gorgeous, I can't even imagine being with someone else...I still love my husband! I know that there are other people out there in the same boat as I am...I'd love to hear how other people manage to cope with this kind of pain. I'm getting through each day, but it's damn hard. How long, I wonder, before I feel like a whole person again and can look to the future with anything other than despair over what my life is going to be once the boys are grown and off on their own?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Sat, 09-27-2008 - 10:20am
Everyone keeps telling me it takes 1-3 years to feel "normal" again, but I have also read that how and when you heal depends on you. I know some people never get over the pain of divorce My Grandfather left my Grandma after many years of marriage and 7 kids for another woman. 20 years later she was still hurt and in love with him, and the biggest tragedy was that she died alone and never really got over it. She has become my inspiration- I refuse to spend my time and energy in love with a man who doesn't love me. You have to keep beating yourself up as well. Nothing you did or said could've changed what your X did. Quite honestly, it's sounds bizarre how and why he left. He reminds me of people who throw it all away for some delusional idea of what happiness is, only to find that they left what really mattered. He will likely find himself an old man very alone. You deserve a medal for holding it together for your kids, and although you never will get an award, the payback will be in the children that you raise, and that's the biggest reward you can ask for as a parent. Although I'm in the same boat as you, I have found that some things have helped me. The first is exercise. Anytime I feel sad, angry, or disappointed like I want to hide under the covers and stay there forever I get on my $100 elliptical and exercise like crazy. Now, I never really worked out, but I have nearly everyday since my husband left. As an added bonus I've lost some weight, toned my arms and legs, and I read that exercise releases endorphines which boost your mood and make you "happy", and I tell you what, a didn't exercise for a week and started to feel like I did when my STBX first left. So join a gym, or start walking/jogging and burn off all that negative energy, and do it anytime those negative emotions start to creep in. And one last thing- come on this board as often as you need. Vent about anything and everything. It's so crucial that you have a place to vent, and talk to people who know exactly what you are going through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2006
Sat, 09-27-2008 - 11:56am

"My marriage failed simply because of who I am, and no matter how hard I tried to be different the same things would still be most important to me - my children."


Your marriage DID NOT fail because of who you are.....your marriage failed because of who your husband is, or rather who he is not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008

FWIW, I think you're already a better person than me....I do not even try to see it from my STBX's point of view. I don't care what he wants or how he feels...because he obviously didn't care enough about the children and me when we were together to stop drinking, built his life around us and not the alcohol, be a family, etc. So I say you're on your way to understanding and healing because you're even able to consider his side. I still have a lot further to go.


Big, big hugs as you walk your future path!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Sun, 09-28-2008 - 11:25pm
I sympathize with you and I feel so badly for you. My husband of 15 years left me and our 4 children 2 months ago to go "figure out what he wants out of life". We have a wonderful life and he loves his children and being a dad very much. We started fighting over his relationship with a co-worker, which he claimed was "just a friend". They would text message each other first thing in the morning on the way to work, then starting again on the way home until bed time. Finally, I found him over at her house. She is a young widow and has no children. I think he thought he had to rescue her from being alone, at the expense of leaving me alone with his 4 children. I can see in his eyes he is now starting to realize how lonely his life is probably going to be. He says he can't have a long term relationship with her, but says he doesn't think he can come home because I will never trust him again. Maybe that's true, I just don't know. I tell him I am still willing to try and have tried to get him to back to counseling. (He quit a couple of weeks ago - I still go alone.) I love my husband very much - he is the love of my life. I also dreamed of the day the kids would be old enough that we could go on vacations alone - Italy, China, Mexico - all the places we've always talked about but that are too expensive for a family of 6. I still desire for him to come home too. I also feel incomplete and lost without him, but I know I can make it through. I have gone through a very severe depression since he left and even came close to "checking out" twice. I think I have gotten past that stage, but I still have VERY BAD days. I try not to act sad or desperate around him, but the truth of the matter is I am very desperate for him to come home. I literally dream about him every night. My point is I know how you feel and I am so sorry for you. I really am. Be strong for your children and they will help you get through this. I have been to see a lawyer, and she was trying to push me to file right away, but you will know when it is time. For me, it is still too soon, plus my husband still gives signs that he may want to return someday, so I don't know what to do. I hope things start to clear up for you - I know I feel like I am living in a haze and I wouldn't wish this on anybody. I think there was a lot of good advice - especially realizing that we can't make our husbands happy, they have to be happy with themselves before they can be happy with us, our families or anybody else. Feel better, take care of yourself and try not to think too far in the future, just be in the present and make it through one day at a time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2008

I found my way onto these message boards thinking I would hurt less if I knew my pain was not unique.