Worried I'll never feel "right" again
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| Fri, 09-26-2008 - 9:10pm |
It's been six months since my husband left me, and I am still trying to come to terms with it. We were married 17 years and have three sons, who are living with me full-time while their dad is off trying to "find himself". He doesn't know exactly what he wants in life, but he does know that he doesn't want us. And no matter how I look at it, it hurts like hell.
We never fought, we always got along pretty well together, actually, but no matter how long and how hard I tried I obviously never managed to become the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I worked so hard to try to make a good life for us, but apparently all those years I was striving to create something that he never wanted in the first place. He doesn't want a wife and children. He wants adventure and travel, the excitement of meeting new people and having new experiences. The thought of coming home every night to the same old family with the same old dull routine was driving him to the brink of despair. He felt as though the life he really wanted to live was always out there, dangling just beyond his reach, the responsibility of family and children keeping him from it. To stay with us meant giving up on everything he ever wanted to accomplish in his life, and on everything he ever wanted to be.
I try to see it from his point of view, but it's hard. I believe that my family is my strength. They only enhance my happiness, my sense of fulfillment, my feeling of success. Family and home is the center from which I draw my strength, and my husband was a huge part of that. I love him still, and am having a terrible time knowing that he never felt the same way. Now I am only half of a whole, torn right down the middle. I still love my husband and daydream constantly that he will change his mind, but I am realistic enough to know that even if I tried to completely remake myself into someone that he might want to be with, it wouldn't work. My marriage failed simply because of who I am, and no matter how hard I tried to be different the same things would still be most important to me - my children. Putting them first means I have to make some compromises. I am fine with that. But my husband wasn't...he felt that those compromises were erasing him right out of existence. I think it's because he doesn't feel the sense of satisfaction and sheer joy that I feel when I look at my boys. For him it was just compromise without anything in return. I try to understand how desperate he must have felt, to be spending day after endless day living a life that brought him no satisfaction at all. It makes me feel so worthless sometimes...I remember waking up some nights and looking over at him sleeping next to me and thanking god for letting him be in my life, for his loving me, and I would think about us spending the rest of our lives together and fall asleep so happy and full of peace and joy. The past two-three years weren't like that...his unhappiness was like a dark cloud hovering over us and I spent those years living in a kind of desperation, knowing that disaster was looming and I was utterly unable to do anything about it, just because I am who and what I am and not what he wants or needs. I loved him so much but my love was not enough to keep him loving me.
I will survive because I adore my children and they need and deserve a parent who doesn't resent them coming first, who loves them unconditionally, and could find no greater joy than in watching and guiding them as they grow into happy, healthy, successful adults. However, that's only half of me. There is the other half of me, the half that loved my husband and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, who imagined travel and vacations when the kids were grown, having a wonderful retirement, puttering around together when we were old and gray. People tell me I may still find that again with someone else, but realistically, I'm almost 42 with three children, I weigh 235 pounds, and I'll never win any beauty contests. Not to mention, even if I was 30 again and weighed 115 pounds and was gorgeous, I can't even imagine being with someone else...I still love my husband! I know that there are other people out there in the same boat as I am...I'd love to hear how other people manage to cope with this kind of pain. I'm getting through each day, but it's damn hard. How long, I wonder, before I feel like a whole person again and can look to the future with anything other than despair over what my life is going to be once the boys are grown and off on their own?

"My marriage failed simply because of who I am, and no matter how hard I tried to be different the same things would still be most important to me - my children."
Your marriage DID NOT fail because of who you are.....your marriage failed because of who your husband is, or rather who he is not.
FWIW, I think you're already a better person than me....I do not even try to see it from my STBX's point of view. I don't care what he wants or how he feels...because he obviously didn't care enough about the children and me when we were together to stop drinking, built his life around us and not the alcohol, be a family, etc. So I say you're on your way to understanding and healing because you're even able to consider his side. I still have a lot further to go.
Big, big hugs as you walk your future path!
I found my way onto these message boards thinking I would hurt less if I knew my pain was not unique.