Divorce After 50
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| Tue, 09-30-2008 - 12:58pm |
I'm just wondering how many of us there are out there who are 50 or over and are contemplating a divorce or are just going through it, or who have recently divorced. It seems to me that after a certain age, there are different issues that arise.
I know I'm different in that I've stuck out a marriage that has absolutely no physical or verbal affection in it for 8 long years (for our daughter who is now 17). Still, I think maybe we 50+ folks have a lot in common.
When I started--or should I say was thrust on this journey, I worried that if we got divorced, maybe no other guy would want me. In a way, I don't care about that now, but I'm not sure this is for the right reasons. I feel like having been through this for so long (and through 23 years of criticism before that) that I am damaged goods. My body is not that attractive. I run every day and try to eat right, but I'm 52 and have had two kids. I HATE the way I look without clothes. If I don't feel attractive, who would ever find me attractive? Maybe that's why I don't find myself daydreaming about other men. Or could it be I still feel too attached to my husband?
Also, I'm realistic to know that after 50, there just aren't that many single men out there. Maybe I'd be OK never having another romantic relationship. Maybe if I just have good friends, that would be enough. After all, I've done without affection for this long...
Does this ring a bell for anyone else? Is what I'm feeling nuts or normal?

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Oh Julie, I can understand where you are coming from, since I am 51. I would say that I am average looking, not terrible, but I could stand to lose some weight. I think that one reason that I married DH#2, which was definitely a mistake from the beginning, is that I was never one who had a lot of guys, even when I was young & definitely better looking & thinner. So I had joined Parents w/o Partners and I met STBX and he definitely went after me, plus he was always telling me how sexy or beautiful I am, etc. Even now that we're splitting up, he still makes inappropriate comments like that, which I don't care about any more. I know I could do some work on my weight by exercising, other than that, there's not much else you can do to stave off time, is there? I do dye my hair (which STBX wished I would not and I couldn't understand that, because who wants to look like an old lady at 50? I don't really have wrinkles or lines, but I wouldn't go & use Botox and I think I dress nicely.
So some days I feel like it would be ok if I never met anyone else. Right now I am working on meeting more women because my best friend lives an hour away and I would just like to have someone closer by to go to the movies or out for a quick dinner. So I would like to fill my need for some companionship that way. I joined a women's group & sent in the forms but I haven't been to a meeting yet. The new member's tea is in Oct. I am hoping that works out. Last night I was watching a Sex & the City rerun and I could relate to Miranda, who was sick of dating unsuitable guys and was staying home & eating chocolate every night.
On the other hand, I still don't want to give up 100%. My mom was probably 70 when my dad died, so I could see why she didn't want to find someone else, like why bother? But her brother was widowed probably about the same age and still found a 2nd wife, so I guess it's not too late for anyone. I think that when you start feeling better about yourself, then your feelings might change. I think it is more difficult to find a guy in middle age, but not impossible. There are still those guys who are 50 and not that attractive themselves, but expect to get a gorgeous 25 yr old, but then there are normal guys too and I think that for them, looks are somewhat important, but not the only thing. I guess the thing to think about is, suppose our life expectancy is 75? Do you want 25 more years of no affection or at least the possibility of finding someone else?
Hi Julie,
Welcome! We hope you find helpful advice and support here as you make decisions about your marriage.
I'll be 49 in January so, I understand your doubts and fears. It's natural in a culture that celebrates and worships youth to the point of obsession. (I laughed the other day when I read a news story about how
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Hi Julie,
I'm 54 and divorced at 50.
Julie...
I hope to goodness that men who are my age (I'll be 40 in January).... can appreciate much more about me and what I have to offer than my body... and ya know what?... last time I looked... men my age had the look of my aging body, so... it's all good :-)
Besides, do you really want a guy who's just interested in a "pretty package"?
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Wow, I feel like I got a big embrace from all of you! Much, much welcome advice. I'm going to have a lot to think over.
You know, I think part of me wants a relationship with an affectionate man, but part of me just doesn't want to go through the whole get-acclimated-with-each-other thing. I got married at 20, so I haven't had to go through all that in 33 years (almost a year of being engaged). I really, really miss compliments and physical (or any other kind) affection, though. If any of the guys I know well at work gives me a shoulder squeeze or a compliment, I treasure it for days. Is that pathetic, or what?
Am I just being self-involved and self-centered? I saw a show on PBS last night about these people who work but have no health insurance. One woman had stage 3 ovarian cancer that would have been caught earlier if she'd had health insurance. A man died from cirrhosis. Those poor people! But you know what really got me crying? They all had loving spouses who held their hands, told them how much they loved them. It was incredibly touching. Heaven knows, I wasn't envious; it just hit me that I don't have that and haven't had it in a very long time.
I have an aunt who got married for the third time at age 79. He wanted a big wedding, so my mom was matron-of-honor in a formal dress--at age 82! So I know it's never too late. I don't think my aunt is happy with him, though. She complains a lot. I think she married him because she hated being alone.
OK, I'm going to shut up and re-read all your responses to my first post. Again, thanks!
I just turned 45 this Sept. and even though I not 50 I consider myself close.
Emom13
You are funny. I alternate between days where I feel like I don't care if I ever have another guy as long as I have friends to do things with, I don't need the aggravation, and then I think, I'm only 51, I'm not yet at that age where I don't care about romance or sex. When my father died, my mother was about 70, so at her age, she really didn't want another guy, plus she has her sisters & brother, nieces & nephews and grandchildren. I don't have any of the above, just 2 children and not too many friends now, since most of my time & energy was spent on my STBX, but I'm working on that. I have been told that I look young for my age, but I'm still overweight and I think that guys my own age, no matter how average their own looks are, are still unrealistically thinking that they are going to get a 30 yr old beauty to go out w/ them. But I would say that age & looks don't guarantee anything, cause my 19 yr old DD, who is really cute, doesn't have a BF either (and has never had one) which I can't understand.
My STBX is the opposite of your DH--he will still make comments that he thinks I'm sexy or attractive, which I don't really want to hear about now. I think that's one reason why I fell for him and overlooked the negative stuff, which was definitely apparent before we got married. I had low self-esteem, esp. after 1st DH dropped me after 15 yrs of being together, and I had never been that successful w/ men. Then STBX appeared and really went after me, was giving me the compliments and was also very romantic. That part was really great. Too bad he had the dark side also.
Ladies:
Real attraction, soul attraction, the kind we all want when we are looking for a partner and not a hook up, is always between the ears, if you ask me.
If dh (second marriage) and I were to split up, I'd be done with men. Seriously. I have a very full life with five children, a challenging career, and lots of outside interests. I would be more focused on friendships and fun than a man. I can say this with absolute certainty because I felt this way when I divorced from my first husband at 30.
Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7
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