dealing w/STBX outside activities

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
dealing w/STBX outside activities
10
Tue, 09-30-2008 - 3:10pm

Do you get jealous of their “outside” activities…


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007
Tue, 09-30-2008 - 5:59pm

Phoenix,


Finding myself in a situation not unlike yours, I think this is the kind of thing where you have to make up the rules as you go along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 6:14am

Phoenix,


I can't remember your specific situation at the moment however it's time somebody moved out! You can't be "separated" and still sleeping in the same bed. One of you needs to leave the maritial household.


I'd ask him to leave since he's the one "living single" while acting like he's still married. I don't recall, perhaps you asked him to leave and he won't. If the situation is you can't move out, one of you needs to move to a separate room, especially for sleeping.


As it is, your STBX is not suffering any consequences for wanting out of the marriage. And not giving him sex isn't even an issue for him if he's getting off at the strip club (and probably screwing the girls on the side to boot.) So, it's time to decide what your goal is here and start setting boundaries.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 8:08am

Yes, I know about the private rooms and am 100% sure he has used them on many occasions, hence loosing his panities (easy access)..But his reply is "You filed and have no right to say what I can or cant do",

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 9:30am

Most definitely stop washing that man's clothes!


That was one of the ways that I could have some control over MY life while we were divorcing but still living together.... he'd stroll in and sit down to a dinner that I'd cooked for the kids... and I let that slide... for the kids... but no way did I have to keep picking up after him and do his laundry :-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 10:44am

This is something that I definitely couldn't put up with. My STBX & I had to live together for several months after I told him I wanted a div and we did sleep in the same bed (although not having sex)because the only other alternative at that time was a twin mattress on the floor in his DD's former room and neither one of us wanted to be uncomfortable but I couldn't have put up w that if he was acting disrespectfully to me, which I think your DH is doing to you. Even though we have been living separately since July, I still wouldn't feel right about dating cause we are still married. There is no way either one of us would have been going out w/ other people while still living together. I suppose that right now you are forced to live together due to finances? If that's the case, I would ask him to sleep in another room cause obviously his actions show no respect for you.

As far as who does what around the house, since I was still cooking dinner for my kids anyway, I wasn't going to tell my STBX that he couldn't eat, but he was still helping around the house somewhat. Like we would take turns doing the laundry. I would be totally grossed out and I'm glad you're not doing your DH"s laundry anymore. I think you need to tell him too that you aren't his maid and he needs to step up and do some housework if he is going to be living there.

As far as the joint bank acct, you said that you can't close it, but is it possible that you could divide the money and you open a separate acct w/ your share? Then if he depletes his half by going to strip clubs and has none left, too bad for him. I hope that you are able to document some of his expenses cause I don't think you should be left holding the bag for his entertainment expenses. In MA once you file for divorce, neither party is supposed to transfer any assets. Of course, you can pay your normal bills and your lawyer, but it would really look bad if one party started wasting the joint assets even if it wasn't strippers, but buying expensive clothes or taking vacations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 11:19am

Actually, I realized after the post that he hasnt beenusing the marital account for atm's...BUT then that leads me to believe he has money hidden somewhere(of course it is the money he got from the purchase of some of the properties and pulled out of the second and was deposited in his partners management account)...So it is "our money" given to the "management company" to run the properties...he has to be getting money from somewhere since he only took out $180.00 for the last month when he usually took out $100's per week (easy to track) ...


disclosure will clear that up...at least up to

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 1:34pm

I am so sorry about your situation. It must be really hard being stuck w/ someone for financial reasons. I'm sure I stayed longer than I should have in my marriage (actually never should have gotten married) because I had to figure out what I would do if I had to sell the house. Surprisingly, STBX isn't making me sell the house right away. I think he "gets it" that he had bad behavior during the marriage. But seriously, a few weeks before the wedding, I was thinking of calling it off and didn't because he had already bought out my ex's share of my house after selling his house, so 1) I felt guilty because he had moved to another town and 2) I wouldn't have had the money to pay him back. I actually didn't want to sell him the house before we got married, but he threw a temper tantrum about it.

Anyway, I am digressing here. It sounds like you have a lot of tricky financial things to discover. That's too bad. Do you see any end solution to the problems?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 2:19pm

Some days I think he is working with me on this and others I think he is scheeming against me...He is playing the poor victim and I cant stand it...he thinks his business partner is looking out for him...his other business partner is a lawyer that forged my signiture on closing doc's for a property that is in foreclosure (a short sale is pending) wonder if "I" need to sign them at the new closing...hum...not me


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2007
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 3:58pm

Phoenix,


Keep your chin up, maintain that sense of humor, cook but don't do his nasty laundry, and if you have any money of your own, establish your own bank account immediately.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2008
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 5:35pm

I have had my own bank account for 10 years of our marraige when I saw how he handled the finances (I wasn't working full time, just part time outside the home full time mom and I watched over his dads nurse and drove him to appointments, yada, yada) I have a PO box, and a "private" email that I use for my lawyers and sisters if they want to talk to me without him seeing it. and I never use it at the home computer...he has a habit of going into my e-mail somehow...I change passwords often...Just today, we split the phone service so now my dd and I are on our own account, made him keep our joint dd on his account.


I do go out now and dont feel guilty, but make sure the kids are Ok and dont need anything first.