2 months in...
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2 months in...
| Tue, 10-07-2008 - 9:21am |
First of all, let me say that I have been reading through all of your stories and it has helped me tremendously to know that so many people are going through what I am going through and really understand...
My husband left me just over 7 weeks ago.

I think you are doing the right thing. Your DH seems pretty confused, but I don't agree w/ his method of handling things. It seems like he is saying to you "well, I'll live like a single guy for a while (even though still married) and if I can't find anyone else I like better, then maybe I'll come back home as if nothing happened, but you should just put your life on hold and wait for me to figure out what I want to do." Not really a great deal for you. Meanwhile, he isn't willing to do anything to work on the marriage, so if he did come back, you would still be the one maintaining everything in the family. I also don't know what kind of role model that gives to the kids. Maybe the 5 yr old is too young to understand, but a 12 yr old is old enough to figure out that if his parents are married, his dad shouldn't be having girlfriends. Of course, the fact that you are willing to be intimate w/ him just plays right into his mentality that he can have his cake & eat it too.
Your DH sounds a lot like my 1st DH, except that there was only one incident that I know of that he cheated during the marriage. When we were starting to have problems, I asked him if there was someone else and he confessed that he had started an affair, but ended it quickly cause he just felt too guilty to do it. I do believe him about that. But we were married 13 yrs, we had 2 kids, ages 7 & 1. When the 7 yr old was about 3, that's when he announced suddenly that he was unhappy, then we didn't separate, mainly cause we didn't have the money, but we were pretty much living separately for about a year, since he worked nights & I worked days and it was a big strain. Then he decided that we should try to work things out, although the problem was, I think, that we actually didn't work on anything cause he didn't want to go to counseling either. So we had another child and then he decided that didn't fix anything. But like you, it's not like we were fighting, we weren't having any big problems and I basically let him do whatever he wanted. He belonged to 2 softball leagues, so one was a couple of nights during the week, one was on Sundays, so how were we going to have any family life if I was home w/ the kids and he was out playing ball? Then he would go to movies alone and he would justify it by saying that he would go to movies that he would know I wouldn't want to see anyway. But he was just not putting any effort into the family. You know, most people who have little kids just don't go out as much, maybe if they are lucky, they get a babysitter once a week, but otherwise, they are staying home or doing things together as a family.
So he moved out and from that day on, I did not have any hope that he would come back, which was the only way I could deal w/ it. It was very difficult. I remember one big argument when I said stuff to him like "it's nice that you are so concerned about you being happy, but you don't care if the kids & I are happy, as long as you are, that's all that matters to you." But eventually life goes on, and the good thing is that we did maintain a civil relationship for the kids, who are now 19 & 13, so they are doing fine. And now it's been so long that there is no hurt left. WE both remarried (although the 2nd one didn't work out so well for me). But I just think that you do not have to sit around and wait for your husband to figure out what he wants to do--you should figure out what you want to do. If you don't want to initiate a divorce, that's ok, if that's what you want, but if you decide that you need to get on w/ your life, don't let him make you feel guilty about it, cause he's the one who decided to move out & not work on the marriage.