New Love After Divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
New Love After Divorce
6
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 4:27pm

Hi, everyone. I am in serious need of advice. My ex-husband and I were separated last September. Our divorce was final in May. I feel like I am over him, but not exactly ready to throw myself into a long-term commitment with anyone.


I dated a guy long-distance for a year. I met him six weeks after my husband left. I agreed to the long distance thing because I thought at the time that it was the only kind of relationship I could handle. Now, I'm not so sure I can handle any type of relationship at all. I am an admitted serial monogamist, and I want to break free of throwing myself into commitment when I know I'm not ready. But here's my question: how do you know when you're healed and ready to go back out there? Honestly, I have two amazing men who want to be with me, but I can't honestly say that's what I want right now. My ex burned me very badly. maybe I should listen to my gut, right? Even if that means I am lonely? There are mixed feelings I have, but I refuse to compromise who I am or what I stand for in any relationship. Tell me, am i on the right track? thanks for reading this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2008
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 10:08pm

Khristi..I am glad that you came through the D ok. Being D is not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. My D was the result of my cheating x-W.


To say that I had "TRUST" issues would be an understatement but I was determined to move on with my life. I spent a month or two wallowing in pity but I snapped out of it.


Once I accepted that I was "single again" I decided that I would go out with friends but stay away from the one on one dating for a while. I met alot of very nice women but I was not ready for anything romantic or physical. I needed to get my head back on. Most of my friends understood and helped the process.


Inorder to get back into the swing of things I would ask women out to lunch, coffee or anything that I thought was non-committal.


It took almost a year to really start dating. I needed to make sure I had my "MOJO" working. I dated a few ladies then I met my fiance. I was like a kid in HS. I could barely talk arounf her. It turns out that she was cheated on also and did not have much use for men. We met for coffeee atleast 6 times then lunch and the FINALLY dinner. The rest is history.


I was not out looking for a future wife and she was not looking for a future husband.


It takes time and realize it is a process.


Irish Tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-1999
Tue, 10-07-2008 - 11:52pm
It seems like you know your own answer, you are not ready right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Wed, 10-08-2008 - 11:38am
well at least you have some love in your life. My problem is that all the men come after me only for sex, be them married men, single men or divorced men!! Nobody seems to want a relationship with me. This has begun to create a serious self esteem problem for me. I am very attractive, 35, fairly rich, intelligent, smart (everyone says that too) but having hard luck finding love. My best friend's husband told me in a not so subtle way that he wants to sleep with me. And so did someone whom i considered a close friend. And a man 15 years older than me whom I have known as a child (and many others). And a man that i fell in love with, he lost interest in me after a few months. Has anyone else been facing the same problem? This is becoming very hard for me to handle. Please advice
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2008
Wed, 10-08-2008 - 11:04pm
Follow your gut on this one! I am an admitted serial monogamist like you; I literally haven't been single a day since 2000. I went from one relationship to the next, hated to be alone. Now I feel that being alone will be a test of sorts for me. I also read that you should give yourself a year, then you're not bringing any baggage to a relationship. I think it's great that you aren't jumping into another relationship!
Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 6:45am

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 6:59am

Hi there khristi,


I'll keep it short.


1. Two years have expired since the divorce was finalized.


2. You are okay to be on your own, all by yourself.


Good luck.