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| Fri, 10-10-2008 - 12:09pm |
Hi everyone.
I guess I should start by saying my name is Erika and I am 20. The story is that I met who I thought was my life partner when I was 17. He was 28. I've known him my whole life and have always been intrigued by him. We came into each others lives at a critical time for both of us. I was in an abusive relationship and he was in a divorce. We thought we were in love and got married when I turned 18. I gave birth to two beautiful children back to back. My first is now 2 and my second is 5 months. Just recently my husband and I had a talk and we have decided that we made the wrong decision in getting married. WE think we were blinded by our problems. We are in no way angry with one another or being hateful and yes we know that this is a BIG decision especially since we have two kids. Anyways, I have haerd alot of things since I have started telling my close friends and family about our decision. Some people think we are giving up and others say they knew it was going to happen eventually. I am at a point where I do not know what decision is right. PArt of me says not to end it while th majority of meknows it's the right thing to do. I just wanted some words of advice or encouragement. I may be doing this because I feel it's necessary but it is stil hard.
Thanks!

I think it's difficult to listen to what other people have to say, esp. when they are saying opposite things. The thing is that if the 2 of you stay together, are you committed to doing everything possible to make your marriage work? I think that it would be possible to stay together if you don't have major problems since you still seem to like each other. Would you be able to take care of 2 little kids on your own, even assuming he pays child support and helps out and takes the kids sometimes, it's a pretty big burden. I was doing that w/ 2 little kids when I was 40 and had a good job and it was still hard and tiring. Do you have family members who could help out? There's a lot to think about and instead of listening to what friends and family have to say, maybe the 2 of you could go to a counselor to figure out the best decision. You might still decide to get divorced, but at least you would have thought of everything and both of you will be doing the best for your kids.
I would also ask you to think of how you will feel about being alone. Not to say that you won't meet someone else down the line, you probably will, but I would say that while middle aged people expect that a lot of people they meet will be divorced & have kids, I would bet that most men in their 20's would be more reluctant to get involved w/ someone who has 2 little kids. If you end up being alone for a while, will you be happier than you are now w/ your DH?
Him and I are completely focused on making things as easy as we can for our children. We have tlaked about making it work but we don't want to live a lie. WE would rather our children see it is okay to make mistakes rather them see us live together and live a lie. I do have feeling for my husband but I think they are based alot on what we have been through together. It's almost like a best friend who went through life's hardships with us. Anyways, we really want to make it as easy for our children as we can. We talked about counseling but our hearts just aren't in it for the long run and we both admitted that. It is hard.
I have a friend that I am moving in with and another friend who is moving to our state to help out until I can get totally on my feet. I know it will be hard but hopefully everything will work out! Thanks!!
Have you guys tried counseling? Either alone or couple's counseling? Sometimes that might give you some true insight into what you're feeling and what you want. My STBX and I did several rounds of couple's counseling over the years...our most recent cycle was in the fall of 2007. We separated in Feb. 2008 when he moved out. He's an alcoholic so there is just too much to try and overcome. And honestly, he didn't want to be married to me--or so his actions told. It's a tough road with kids (I have two young children also)...but at this point I KNOW I'm making the right decision and deserve more. But it did take me a LONG time (probably 5-6 years) to come to this decision. Do I wish I'd made it sooner? Yeah, probably...but I can't go back and rewrite history.
I guess I"m just trying to say that everyone has to go through the process and make decisions on their own. I hope you can find your answer and be at peace with the answer once you reach it. GL and lean on this board. It's been a wealth of knowledge and support for me over the months.