Hi. I don't have any advice--just wanted to say I'm also in the same boat. I'm putting off leaving until our daughter graduates from high school. Actually, she says now she might go to the local community college her first year to save money and also give her transition time to being out on her own. I don't know whether I should try to nudge her towards leaving the nest (our local cc has dormitories)or put off leaving for yet another year. Neither seems like something I can do.
If I were in your situation, I'd probably stay until after the wedding, because I'm a self-sacrificing wimp, but that doesn't mean that's what you should do. Would a separation put more stress on her, and if so, would it be offset by having a less-stressed Mom who could better help her cope with the wedding stress? Does she live at home, or is she out on her own? If she's at home, would she move out with you? Would your news be something of a shock, or do you think she senses something's coming?
I am 47, 22 years married 25 together and finally too hit the end of the rope - D day is late November.
First I would suggest getting an attorney - they will help with what you need legally. It is an investment, but when you think about what you invested in the wedding, and the marriage, investing in handling the end correctly makes sense. At least that is what someone said to me as I worried about paying for the fees- and it hit home with me
As for your daughter, I too put off the final decision based on my children's needs. First my mom was dying (he was having and affair then) then it was high school grad for one, something for another. Finally I couldn't wait and kicked him out. One conversation I
OK, here's the advice: Tell her. And make sure she understands that yes, Dad is sick, but nobody can make him better except himself. It's a sad fact that a drowning person may take the rescuer down with him.
My DD, who's a soph in college, witnessed my bad 2nd marriage w/ all the arguments and emotionally abusive treatment of me by STBX and said to me something like "No offense, Mom, but I'm going to be sure to get a good job & support myself cause I don't want to be stuck in a bad marriage cause I don't have enough money to get out." I think she's smart. I always have worked, but I did put off getting a div partly cause of financial reasons--I didn't want to have to sell my house, wanted to wait til my DS (both kids are from first marriage)got out of elementary school which was close enough for him to walk home, etc. etc. I just kept putting it off. Finally I had enough & told him and he moved out in July. My relationship w/ my kids is so much better. Now we can enjoy being together, there is no stress in the house, no arguing. I am sorry that I put them through so much, esp. cause he's not their father.
While I do believe that a lot of people get divorced for frivolous reasons and don't put enough effort into their marriages, it takes 2 people to make it work. I think it sends a bad message, esp. to dds, if you are willing to put up w/ a lot of bad behavior from a man, because they will model what they are used to, and you really don't want that for them. I wouldn't want my DD to marry a guy who treats her like my STBX treated me.
Hi,
I read your post about the outburst.
Hi. I don't have any advice--just wanted to say I'm also in the same boat. I'm putting off leaving until our daughter graduates from high school. Actually, she says now she might go to the local community college her first year to save money and also give her transition time to being out on her own. I don't know whether I should try to nudge her towards leaving the nest (our local cc has dormitories)or put off leaving for yet another year. Neither seems like something I can do.
If I were in your situation, I'd probably stay until after the wedding, because I'm a self-sacrificing wimp, but that doesn't mean that's what you should do. Would a separation put more stress on her, and if so, would it be offset by having a less-stressed Mom who could better help her cope with the wedding stress? Does she live at home, or is she out on her own? If she's at home, would she move out with you? Would your news be something of a shock, or do you think she senses something's coming?
I am 47, 22 years married 25 together and finally too hit the end of the rope - D day is late November.
First I would suggest getting an attorney - they will help with what you need legally. It is an investment, but when you think about what you invested in the wedding, and the marriage, investing in handling the end correctly makes sense. At least that is what someone said to me as I worried about paying for the fees- and it hit home with me
As for your daughter, I too put off the final decision based on my children's needs. First my mom was dying (he was having and affair then) then it was high school grad for one, something for another. Finally I couldn't wait and kicked him out. One conversation I
DD is a senior in college 4 hours away.
We've talked alot about my husband and his problems lately and she knows they are many.
Definitely having copies of ALL financial documents is a must!.... including insurance, investments, all debts and assets.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
OK, here's the advice: Tell her. And make sure she understands that yes, Dad is sick, but nobody can make him better except himself. It's a sad fact that a drowning person may take the rescuer down with him.
You sound like a smart, wise, savvy lady.
If I were a smart lady, I would have done this when he first started drinking during year 1 - not 27 years later.
My DD, who's a soph in college, witnessed my bad 2nd marriage w/ all the arguments and emotionally abusive treatment of me by STBX and said to me something like "No offense, Mom, but I'm going to be sure to get a good job & support myself cause I don't want to be stuck in a bad marriage cause I don't have enough money to get out." I think she's smart. I always have worked, but I did put off getting a div partly cause of financial reasons--I didn't want to have to sell my house, wanted to wait til my DS (both kids are from first marriage)got out of elementary school which was close enough for him to walk home, etc. etc. I just kept putting it off. Finally I had enough & told him and he moved out in July. My relationship w/ my kids is so much better. Now we can enjoy being together, there is no stress in the house, no arguing. I am sorry that I put them through so much, esp. cause he's not their father.
While I do believe that a lot of people get divorced for frivolous reasons and don't put enough effort into their marriages, it takes 2 people to make it work. I think it sends a bad message, esp. to dds, if you are willing to put up w/ a lot of bad behavior from a man, because they will model what they are used to, and you really don't want that for them. I wouldn't want my DD to marry a guy who treats her like my STBX treated me.