Support during divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2008
Support during divorce
4
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 10:09am

I am not sure if this is the best place to post this question but I hope to get some helpful responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2008
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 11:17am

I don't mean to be harsh, but you really shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who's going through a divorce, i.e.....he's married still.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 11:50am
Honestly, the person going through the divorce needs some time to themselves. They need a friend, not a bf/gf. Speaking from experience.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 12:35pm

I'm going to buck the trend here. When I met my H, he was just waiting for the final divorce papers. (His divorce took place in another state; I didn't know his XW.)I was a sucker for being needed (still am), and he needed me. So my H was a little farther down the path than your man. In my case, there was absolutely zero chance of him and his STBX wife getting back together. Is there still a chance in your situation? Probably, so keep that in mind.

That said, the people on this board, including me, know all too well the pain of a spouse, even a STBX spouse, having an intimate relationship with someone else. They don't want you to get hurt, and they don't want you to be the cause of his STBX getting hurt.

The fact is, you ARE in this relationship with him, you DO care, and you may be the one positive, supportive thing in his life right now. Hats off to you for trying to get guidance on how to help him.

People going through divorce often go through a crazy phase. It is very, very hard to let go of a marriage, and there are many strong, even overwhelming feelings of loss, anger, pain, self-blame, grief, and resentment. It makes it pretty tough to gauge where he is at any given point. You'll need to let go of some things and just settle in for the ride. He mostly needs someone to listen, and someone to reassure him that he's a good guy, he's not a loser, and things will get better.

Please remember that you are not a therapist. Don't take on trying to heal him; you can't. Also, don't let your needs get swamped by his. All the focus may be on poor him, but there MUST be some acknowledgment and attempt to satisfy your needs, too, or it's not a real relationship. And make it clear to him that you are not a psychic. You're trying your best to help him out, but you have no way of knowing if he wants advice, support, or space, so he's going to have to tell you...gently and respectfully. And he has to be ready to do the same for you.

Finally, realize that he may genuinely love you, and that love may survive and thrive through all this process--which is what happened to me, for all the years it lasted-- but it's also possible that once he doesn't need you any longer, he'll want to get out there and have fun as an unattached male. Realize that and make sure you're taking care of yourself.

Julie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2008
Wed, 10-15-2008 - 3:46pm

Thanks for all the responses so far.